SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Stillstings posted 9/22/2013 04:31 AM

A topic on the Wayward board revived a memory for me. My XSO's mother wrote me an apology when she found out why I stopped coming around and some new lady did after 4 years. She expressed her disappointment in her son and offered me an apology and tons of excuses. I was taken aback and consulted my own mother.

My mom was furious and wanted to hand XSO's mom a piece of her mind. She felt his issues lay with mommy and because she was apologizing for his bad behavior spoke volumes about his cheating in general. Never responsible for his actions. A man child who could count on someone else to make his excuses. What is everyone else's experiences? I for one was not moved. At all.

Kelany posted 9/22/2013 06:57 AM

His mother was very upset with him. She had been cheated on by his father which ended up in divorce when he was 14.

She support our efforts to reconcile, she also told me she supported me fully if I chose to separate or divorce.

She's been there for me to talk to many times. She's watched our kids for not only me for IC, but us for MC. Or us when we needed to discuss some major stuff without them around. When he was fired due to his behavior, she helped us financially as well as helped him get a temp job as well.

His father, we really don't have a relationship with. He told his dad he was laid off, asked to borrow money and that was that.

Bluebird26 posted 9/22/2013 07:04 AM

My exwh mother told me I need to get over it and let him be 'happy'.

We have since made peace and she realises what a douche her son is. She's not a fan of the OW, think she realised I wasn't so bad afterall

LadyQ posted 9/22/2013 07:15 AM

I found out the weekend his mother died, so she never knew. I would imagine she would have been very disappointed, and let him know. She did call him a dickhead once when he was being one to me! I didn't tell his dad. We kept it private for a very long time. I only "came out" to my family once I made the decision to end it. I think he told his dad? It was probably some watered down version, full of blame shifting. In the months that followed, my father-in-law talked a lot about forgiveness and how it takes two to make it work. He's a very kind man, so I'm assuming he offered that advice because of what x told him happened. X told his sister I was pissed because he'd been texting someone else. So, if he told his dad the same nonsense, FIL's advice makes sense. Since the divorce, my ILs have not voted me off the island. I'm thankful for that. I live about 1500 miles away from any family of mine (who I'm not very close with any way), and he kept me very isolated from any people I may have made friends with. So, while blood is thicker than water, at least I have people I can count on when I need help, or an emergency crops up.

Mack9512 posted 9/22/2013 08:18 AM

My fWH's father and stepmom both died before his As (his stepmom's death kind of started his downhill spiral) and his bio mom is not a big part of our lives, however his Aunt is. My fWH sent her an email explaining what has been going on and her response was NOT what either of us expected. She basically obsoleted him of all responsibly. Saying that "obviously I needed to work harder at being a good wife" and that "all affairs are caused by both the members in a marriage." Needless to say I was furious and wanted to lash out at her, but my fWH beat me to it. He explained that, yes, our marriage wasn't perfect but he was the only one that strayed. That he was solely responsible for that and he wouldn't allow anyone to stay in his (our) lives if they tried to give him a pass on his actions.

Williesmom posted 9/22/2013 08:47 AM

My ex in laws professed to be supportive of me, but that family is the biggest bunch of non confrontational passive aggressives ever.

So, they give him a pass and accepted every skank that he's ever been with.

They all deserve each other.

toomanyregrets posted 9/22/2013 09:30 AM

My MIL was the happiest she'd ever been.
She'd been trying to break us up from the day fWW and I got married.

Gemini71 posted 9/22/2013 09:59 AM

After the first D-Day, we told his parents together because of possible legal ramifications. After D-Day #2 and I called it quits, I haven't heard much from them. We didn't communicate all that much except for holidays anyway since they live out of state.

The exception is my SIL (STBXH's brother's wife). She was out of town when it all hit the fan, so she contacted me wanting to know what was going on. I told her everything I knew, and she completely understands my position. If is wasn't for my SIL I wouldn't know anything, like how STBXH has minimized everything to his mom, how his dad is barely talking to him, and his brother thinks STBXH is a "horse's ass."

I'm pretty sure we'll be able to maintain a cordial relationship, maybe even better than that, but it will take time. There is a lot of hurt on all sides, and I can't imagine visiting at the same time as STBX. Only time will tell how it will all work out.

*corrected grammer and typos.

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 10:00 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

kg201 posted 9/22/2013 10:17 AM

My in-laws are enablers and have not reached out to me in any way, except to mock me. My MIL in fact was part of the communication with the AP and my WW for months before dday. I even sent her an e-mail offerring to work on things with me despite her also "cheating" on me, and she basically threw it back in my face. Then they were surprised why I was so angry with the MIL as well as my WW after dday.

Must Survive posted 9/22/2013 11:36 AM

My situation is like Williesmom.

But have to add: Both STBXH mom & dad had affairs. MIL professed support on one hand, but then said she couldn't stop who her son brought over to the house.

I have removed his whole family from my life. They all have major issues and are not the ever going to be a part of my life. They are weak, muppet level people. I only wish I knew before I got married all of the issues they have. It would have saved me so much grief.

mixedintherut posted 9/22/2013 11:44 AM

My MIL is one of the few people who know irl. She has been very supportive. She has offered to help follow him to see where he is going, and with any other investigating stuff she might could help with. I haven't taken her up on the offer, though she has tried calling the OW twice, she never answered or called her back.

She has encouraged me to speak with lawyers to make sure that my daughter and I are taken care of.

She wants us to R, but says she completely understands if I feel the need to D.

She's dealt with infidelity before, so she has an idea of things work/feel.

solus sto posted 9/22/2013 13:28 PM

I don't think my inlaws know. But they think so little of Trac-fone (and therefore of me) that they would not be surprised, I don't think.

Their response to our separation was a backhanded, "We wish you both the happiness you deserve."

Neither of us--and neither of our kids--has heard from them, or ANYONE in Trac-fone's family--since then.

We ceased to exist.

Very sad for my children, who feel as though THEIR value has diminished.

They've had so many losses. (Never mind that the inlaws in question are toxic; there are aunts and uncles and cousins who have vanished from our lives, and that is just perplexing; I've known the sibs since they were kids, and they can't spare a kind word for my kids?!)

Please1983 posted 9/22/2013 16:14 PM

My mother in law told me less than one week after DDay that I couldn't keep bringing up the past because her son just couldn't live like that, it wasn't fair on him. She also told me as some sort of way of explaining his workplace affair that I didn't understand what a workplace was like these days, anyway at the time I was on maternity leave so clearly completely out of the loop in the the ways of the modern workplace. She really is a very stupid woman, I wish I had cut her out of my life back then.

womaninflux posted 9/22/2013 16:21 PM

My MIL, a psychiatrist, told me "You'll get over it." In a subsequent conversation she said, "WIF, it seems like you are blaming all of this on SAWH's childhood."

As far as the "You'll get over it" comment, I think it is coming from the right place. The second comment, however, is a real view into the dysfunction. I get it that doctors are humans, too, but to be so dismissive of an integral developmental phase of a child - when it's YOUR OWN CHILD - is just neglectful and smacks of so much denial. Which, ahem, is part of the reason I am here. So I guess what i am trying to say is that the comments made by the inlaws are pretty revealing about what went on at home.

mchercheur posted 9/22/2013 16:30 PM

My MIL, an unremorseful WW & OW herself, blamed me for WH's affair, & told me to "get over it." She told me that if I had worn makeup more, & kept the house cleaner, this wouldn't have happened. Needless to say,altho WH & I are trying to R, I want nothing to do with her anymore.

Holly-Isis posted 9/22/2013 16:31 PM

MIL: "He can do what he wants as long as he doesn't leave you [to be a single mom]."

Apparently she regretted her choice to D cheating, drinking FIL and become a single mom.

Labmom123 posted 9/22/2013 17:04 PM

It has been more than a year and a half since I discovered the affair and my mother-in-law has never said a word to me about it. My cheating husband told her right after I found out so I know she knows. She told him she was very disappointed in him but we all make mistakes. She also told him he needed to end it with the OW which I appreciate. Some days I'm a little upset she hasn't even asked if I'm OK. I know she's a very private person and in her mind feelings and emotions are not to be discussed. Would that bother you or would you just be happy not to have to have your MIL involved in the situation? I go back and forth.

StillGoing posted 9/22/2013 17:38 PM

I'm sure if they knew it'd be my fault. Though they'd never say it to my face.

shatteredheart7 posted 9/22/2013 17:42 PM

I have not spoken to my MIL in going on 4 yrs. WAY before I knew of the A. I haven't "spoken" to my FIL since Feb of 2012. I was moving my stuff out of our house and FIL was there. I had my dog with me and DH picked up the dog as I was leaving to tell her bye. I said, to bad you couldn't have cared about the rest of us like you do the dog" my FIL said, "you know that runs both ways, right?" my response..."you can mind your own fucking business. I lived here, you didn't. I know how he treated us and how we treated him. Until you get the facts straight you don't need to be running your mouth".

When DH and I started "dating" in April of last year he didn't tell his parents. He didn't tell them until we had decided for me to move back in and had already called off the D. They were NOT happy!! When I found out about the A and that he had not told them, I emailed FIL and gave him all the facts. He asked DH about it and he admitted to everything. They still will not talk to me. MIL will call and give him the guilt treatment because he doesn't come see them. His brother and his dad will act like I don't even exist if we run into them. He is not allowed to say my name to his parents. They will not come to our home. In their eyes he had an A because I drove him to it. Their son just isn't like that.

Do I care anymore? NOPE. I have been told, by their friends, that one day they will forgive me. I laughed in their faces. I said that's nice, but I didn't do anything to be forgiven for. Maybe if they are lucky one day I will forgive them for treating me like shit BUT I sure hope they aren't holding their breath! Well, maybe I do hope they are

5674emt posted 9/22/2013 19:51 PM

WH called and apologized to family, friends and coworkers for how he had treated my and his A. My MIL and FIL are very supportive of me and our daughters and disgusted by their sons behavior (although it does run in the family).
They are amazed and delighted that I would give him another chance and are involved in helping in any way possible.