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Turning words into action

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Odoacer posted 9/22/2013 07:55 AM

I have spent the last 4 weeks since Dday digging myself deeper into the hole. All my BS has asked for is that I confront this process with total honesty. She has given me every tool to fix this problem and yet I can't seem to make any use of them. I feel like a caveman staring at a smartphone. I actually wonder if I have lost the ability to be honest. I guess I just want to know where the the WS here have found the courage to stop TTruthing and really confront the magnitude of what they have done?

SurprisinglyOkay posted 9/22/2013 08:27 AM

Welcome to SI!

Have a look at the Healing Library, the yellow box in the top left corner.

Yeah, a lot of us ws's are guilty of TT (trickle truth).

I did it out of some misguided attempt to protect my BS, and myself.

I took me a while to stop lying. I had been doing it my whole life, and after that long it was hard to stop.

I gave him the full truth 9 months after dday. It truly set me free. I was no longer living in a state of high anxiety, My appetite came back, I felt lighter. It helped both of us tremendously. That's when our healing really started.

It took a bit longer to stop lying completely, not about my A's, but other, more current, things.

For me it was a process.

It would be easy for me to say to you JUST STOP LYING. But for me it wasn't that easy. I kept doing it until I just couldn't anymore. I caused my BS SO much pain with it. And myself too.

Does your BS know about this site? It could help her a lot.

circe posted 9/22/2013 09:04 AM

I just want to know where the the WS here have found the courage to stop TTruthing and really confront the magnitude of what they have done

I actually see a lot of hope in the way you phrased this. The fact that we as WS peddled bits and pieces of the truth really is in large part about not confronting that truth in our own minds and hearts. You know it's there, rotting and emitting poison like nuclear waste, but the thought of diving into it is abhorrent. And it should be, because the stuff down there, the things you did, the weaknesses and the flaws, all can be very ugly.

For me and for my FBS (who is also a FWS), it was about acknowledging that you will have no control over the outcome of your honesty. You can't "control the situation" and your BS has the right to react in whatever way they will, including leaving you if that's what's best for them. That's their right as a human being. And it's also your right as a human being to deal with your own demons. But none of that can start until you both know what you're really dealing with.

The courage for me came from stringing it out until I thought my husband would leave me, and we agreed that this would just happen right now. BH was at the "now or never" point, so my back was against the wall. I do not recommend letting it get to that point, because it was an added layer of pressure and much harder than had I chosen the time with any amount of integrity. By the way, years later and we still feel the ache that I let it get that far before being honest. (later, when my BH became a WH, he actually remembered that moment through his fog and manned up much faster than I had)

Anyway, kids went to grandparents for the weekend and on a friday night we talked. I had some words written on a sheet, maybe someone might call it a mantra, doesn't matter what it said, but the second I felt my mind turning away from something I'd look at it and plow on.

It takes guts, but its also along the lines of lancing a boil and letting the pressure out. It's ugly and gross but necessary. And you have the support of the people here who have been where you are.

I wasn't into lying, that wasn't my particular vice, but I was heavily into manipulating situations with selective truths. It was a way I had of controlling the outcome of my interactions with people, including my BH. I didn't even know there was any other way to be. So I completely relate to you saying you wonder if you've lost the ability to be honest. Rebuilding from that point actually feels exactly like "rebuilding". It's like you have to take far flung pieces and stack them into the shape of an honest person, and then self understanding, true belief that this is the right way to be, and in my case a lot of repetition and experience became the mortar that actually made me closer to that 'honest person shape'. Work in progress, but I'm happy with what I've built so far.

Why don't you post more here and get a supportive community around you, so you can build up some momentum towards where you want to be?

SheHatesMe posted 9/22/2013 10:30 AM

Odoacer - you mentioned courage and that is exactly what it takes. I too have caused my relationship to suffer due to continued TT. And like Circe stated, there were other small lies that came out not about the affair per se that caused even more problems. Believe me when I say that the lies hurt so much more to your BS than being honest. I have so much regret for not coming clean from the beginning and continuing to "protect" my BGF and myself. My BGF keeps asking me "what am I protecting?" I couldn't be anymore of a fuck up.

I have to say that I TT so much that now it's really tough for BGF to trust anything that comes out of my mouth. Having to face the fact that my selfish withholding of details from her may have created a canyon so wide between us that we may never make it is the hardest thing I've faced. It really sucks and I wish this upon no one. I know I am so new to this and have made so many horrible decisions that I know I am not really the one to give advice, but I understand your question far too well. The best advice I can give is DO NOT let it get to the point where your back is against the wall or, like me, where you continue the pain so long you too may not survive.

I have to second the comment of broevil. The pressure release that comes from letting it out is freeing. Unfortunately, the truths that were left were so small BGF thinks there's more. Even small details are worthless to keep.

Let it all out. Step up and release the selfishness inside. You have lots of support on here. Keep posting and reading. Good luck.

NoGoodUsername posted 9/22/2013 10:45 AM

Odoacer, sorry that you have a need to be here. Hopefully, you can find help at SI. I certainly have.

Before I jump in, please don't think that I have all of my act together. I am learning very hard lessons through this process but I'm no guide and no authority. You can think of me more as a bad example.

It took me a month to stop with the TT. That felt like a very long time to me and it really was all about a misguided sense of self-protection and 'not wanting to hurt my wife'. This is a tangent, but I tell you straight up, the trickle truth and supporting lies did more to damage my marriage than some parts of the affair.

In working up to tell all of the truth, I felt sick on the inside most days. I really wanted to come clean but was caught up in a mix of fear and shame and avoidance. Oddly enough, something that really helped was a quiz in Shirley Glass' Not Just Friends. I typed up the answers and took my time about it, reminding myself that these answers were for me. It was extremely hard and took a couple of days. After facing that in myself, I was able to face up to my wife and admit things.
It wasn't easy. Not even close. When I was done, the first words out of her mouth were "For me, this marriage is over." I moved out of the bedroom that night and am still out. She outed me and my affair partner and her spouse to all of our friends on social media. I put up my own post confirming her story. It wasn't our worst day, but it was in the top 5.

Despite all of that, coming clean was still the right thing to do. I have no idea whether we are going to make it, but there are days that we talk about the future together. We have more good days than bad and are both working at healing ourselves and our marriage and that is the most that I can ask for at this time.

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