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Newest Member: Confused4 (61103)

User Topic: Hi I'm new here
♀ 40686
Member # 40686
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't really know what I want to say but I'm going to try to tell my story. I have been feeling like something was sort of off in our relationship for a while now. Then a couple of weeks ago my husband started insisting that he wasn't getting enough alone time. Initially I thought that with how much he has been working he might need a little time to decompress when he gets home instead of just getting rushed at the door by the kids and I. But then I asked him what he thought he needed and he told me that he needed a huge chunk of time all alone at a certain time every week and that I should take all three kids out someplace so he could have the house to himself. I was immediately like there is no way I'm doing that how about you take a couple hours alone on Friday evening the kids will be in bed and I will try to stay out of your way. Which I thought was more than reasonable but he got really pissy about it.

I started thinking about the whole thing and it seemed super suspicious. The more I thought the more other things seemed suspicious too so I started checking around. The more I checked up on things the more suspicious things I found but there was nothing concrete. I told him that he was acting really suspicious and he tried to make it seem like I was being unreasonable. So then this weekend I told him I %100 knew that he wasn't telling me the truth and that he needed to start being forthcoming and transparent with me. He tried to figure out what I knew and I wouldn't tell him. The truth is I was totally bluffing. Eventually after a long drawn out horrible conversation he told me that he had been unfaithful but he absolutely was not going to tell me any details and that it didn't matter anyway because it was in the past. So I went and cried and then later when I was back under control I calmly told him that it was very important that he tell me everything and if he wasn't going to do that then one of us could move to another bedroom and I would start treating him like my roommate instead of like my spouse. So he moved to the other bedroom.

I have no idea what is even going on I only know that it is going on. I feel like everything is happening around me so fast and I am so lost and confused and sad and lonely. I don't know where to go from here. I wish I at least knew what was going on.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ 36587
Member # 36587
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry you find yourself here

It appears to me that your WH may still be in his A. My WH was very aggressive, angry and defensive during the time he was in his A.

It is very difficult not knowing exactly what is going on but knowing that there is something. I was living like that for 3 months and it was terrible. In my case, I found a FB chat between my WH and the OW. My gut was screaming at me to check his FB and I was glad I did. The chat told me that they were definitely in an EA but the fact that she was telling him she wished it could be physical told me it hadn't become a PA yet.
I confronted my WH then and there (it was the middle of the night and he was sleeping) and I initially felt as though I found out just in time. Truth was that they took the A further underground. I felt there was more going on but my WH was in such denial that I started questioning my own sanity. I found more evidence over the next 3 months including phone and sms records after NC was promised. I caught him at her house. A friend caught her in his car. Still my WH insisted they were "just friends". He explained all the contact as feeling sorry for her and trying to help out an old friend etc. I knew there was more. I was feeling so desperate to find out the truth that I ended up calling the OW and asking her. She told me it was a PA. I confronted my WH and finally he started to come clean. He had already broken it off with the OW a few weeks prior to my call. I suspect that was the only reason OW told me it was a PA.

My advice to you is firstly, take care of yourself. Please know that you do not deserve what you are going through. Start researching counselors that specialize in infidelity.

Read the healing library, especially about the 180.

Keep posting because there are many amazing people here and you will find the support, advice and empathy you need here.

And finally, I suggest you keep checking around. Hopefully you will find enough information to give you a clearer picture of what exactly is going on. I hope that your WH gives you the courtesy of full disclosure so you can figure out what you need to do from here.

Once again, I'm so sorry you have found yourself here but I am also glad you did find us ((((Shinybitsofglass))))

[This message edited by OptimisticWife at 9:13 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

Posts: 191 | Registered: Aug 2012
♂ 17484
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OptimisticWife is right - get into the 180. While you read it, do so with the understanding that it is for you and your healing. It is not a manipulative tool to get him to see the light & fix stuff.

Why do we say this right away in your story?
Because he has no remorse, & he's being a pig-headed bastard to boot.

he absolutely was not going to tell me any details and that it didn't matter anyway because it was in the past.

Yeah, well, time to get strong Shiny.
You absolutely cannot R (Reconcile) with that.
The more stories you read here, the more you'll see years of suffering - which could be avoided - by trying to fix what you did not break.
You cannot change him.
Save yourself time and suffering.

I strongly recommend a lawyer-consult. Knowledge is power, and dear, you need power!
Sending strength to you!

Posts: 7268 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
♀ 23890
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shinybitsofglass, I'm sorry you've joined us. You are going to have to dig deep for the strength to take care of yourself for a bit here. SI is a great resource for doing just that. Read the 180 and start focusing on you, and your health in particular. Think of it as a job - cause it is one of the hardest things to do in the beginning.

Be sure you are getting enough fluids, and eating, you may find you need something to help you sleep. This also means getting tested for STD's. (No matter what he said!)

As for finding out the truth... and because he doesn't seem to want to come clean - you are going to have to dig for the truth (and your sanity). Start thinking like a PI. In short - follow the money, follow the communication, follow the time spent, and if all else fails follow him....

From what you've gleaned so far (Good for you with the bluff btw) I think a couple things can be pieced together. For starters: as of a couple weeks ago he was planning on using your home for his A...

he told me that he needed a huge chunk of time all alone at a certain time every week and that I should take all three kids out someplace so he could have the house to himself.

That's the only thing I can fathom after reading the above.

So either the OW is single and lives at home, married, or she is a professional (in any case he doesn't want to shell out for a motel - or continue to pay for a motel...? Check past credit card bills, atm withdrawals, look for dates that line up with that day of the week.) I suppose it is also possible he is doing something on line and wants privacy... But you need to know what you are looking at. Does he text a lot? look for patterns and that includes regular appearances of gaps, or burst of texting before a gap in communication.

You need to go stealth mode. Is there a password on his phone? Do you know it? Is he often online? Facebook? Just spending time on the computer... (Keylogger if he is.) Where could he have met someone? Work? The gym? The neighborhood? Did he used to talk about a woman from work or where ever, and then stop?

VAR in his car, would likely be telling. Or a gps on the car (especially if he goes out during the hours he requested alone time).

I'm glad you reached out and found us. Whatever happens and whatever you decide - someone here has likely been down that road. It really, really, helps! Hang in there SBoG!

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4432 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
♀ 40686
Member # 40686
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told WH that I would like to work on our marriage but that I don't see anything I can do unless he fully commits to fixing thing. I made it very clear that first he needs to tell me everything followed by an open transparent attitude and a willingness to change anything that I need to have future peace of mind. I told him that unless I can see that we can't share a bedroom and a lot of things will have to change because if he isn't acting like a husband I can't treat him like one. I said that I need to see a consistent effort on his part for at least a full month before I would consider putting my efforts into our relationship again. I told him that I really hoped he would decide he wanted to fix our marriage and that things will be very different unless he made that decision. He didnt really say anything I saw his lip quiver and a few tears come out and I walked off.

It is very very hard for me not to bring it up again. I desperately want to follow him around imploring him to do what I want. I'm sure that wont help anything though. I don't really know if I am doing the right thing and I don't know how I am going to keep it up. I think now that I said it I have to follow through though. Besides i dont think i have enough energy to go around and my kids deserve what I have to give more than him. I don't think I even have it in me to put much energy into finding out the truth right now. I wish that I could make him do what I asked. But that's probably a little unreasonable of me.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 5

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