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I upset my BW again

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Sam793 posted 9/22/2013 11:29 AM

My BW and I were texting last night while I was at work. She was saying how she was so tired and was going to sleep very soon. There were several small texts from her which needed replies separately. One of them was "love you" but that I was saving to the end. Minutes later I typed that and went to deal with a member of the public. When I got back into my car I pushed the home button to see if I had any new texts and I didn't. I carried on my shift and arrived home hours later. I got into bed and my DS promptly awoke wanting to be fed. This is when my BW told me she wasn't going to text I love you anymore and that I think it's all a joke. I had no clue what she was talking about. I look at my phone and notice the I love you I typed didn't go though as I didn't hit send properly (this happens somewhat frequently) and I also see my BW had sent texts regarding my silence which I never read.

She's still hurt and upset today. She thinks I saw those texts and chose not to say I love you or respond. This is not the case and is eating me up inside. It's also making me forget to do things as all I can think of is how upset she is. This in turn is making her even more upset.

Added clarification from original:

- All the texts that my BW sent be were at 1018 and she was trying to go to sleep by 1100.

- all the texts she sent showed that they were read on her end

- I have a brand new iPhone that is only two days old.

- I used to text my AP all of the time from work where I would tell her that I loved her and not my BW hence the reason for the trigger.

I wasn't trying to look for an excuse above or trying to make myself look good. I failed to acknowledge that some things I do may cause triggers and no matter what there is no good excuse. I didn't check to see if it was sent. I didn't check to see if it was read. It was full of assumptions that has come to me posting here.

[This message edited by Sam793 at 4:42 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

UnexpectedSong posted 9/22/2013 11:35 AM

I don't think texting while one person is at work is a good way of communicating. She should not be expecting any sustained text conversations from you while you are at work.

authenticnow posted 9/22/2013 11:44 AM

I agree. I think that's setting you up for failure. You are trying, there's a limit to what you can control.

Also, she's going to continue to get upset, Sam, for a very long time. The MC used to tell us that we each need to own our feelings and reactions. LD would get very upset, I'd do what I could to make him feel better, but the rest was on him.

There will be a time where her 'getting upset' will get less and less, but as you know it takes a lot of time.

There was also a time when LD let go of the outcome, and that helped him. He knew he'd be okay with or without me and that was a huge epiphany for him. BSs have to do a certain kind of work, too, in being responsible for their own healing.

Card posted 9/22/2013 13:36 PM

Sam,

I made it a priority to answer my wife's texts and phone calls after my infidelity.

I had a decision to make when I began recovering my marriage.... Either I make her a priority or I accept losing my marriage. I decided my marriage would come first. I no longer had the luxury of entertaining others as a higher priority and that included my job.

Look, you triggered your wife by not checking your send and then ignoring her later texts... All while blaming your phone as the cause. IT TRIGGERED HER! It's also a piece of equipment Sam. If you fail to operate equipment correctly at work, you won't have a job for very long, will you? The same goes for your marriage. This is a necessary piece of equipment to help in your marriage recovery. IMO, you either replace it for a more user friendly phone or invest in more time understanding how to use the one you've got.

Either way, you triggered your wife and she needs some serious care and re-assurance, not excuses.

It will get easier, I promise. Especially when she feels loved and cherished....

authenticnow posted 9/22/2013 13:43 PM

He said he thought the text sent and then got nothing from her the rest of the night, he didn't ignore them.

I'm with you, as WSs we need to do everything to make our BSs comfortable and to feel safe.

I have sent a text to my BH that just didn't go. Sometimes they fail. I still check and make sure he gets them and sometimes it looks like he did. I freak out when I find out he didn't, but I realize (and he realizes) that sometimes it happens.

We are over 6 years out so this isn't an issue anymore, and I do agree that early on the follow up is extremely important.

I also think that there's a point when the BS has to choose to trust. I do think Sam's been doing the work.

gonnabe2016 posted 9/22/2013 14:03 PM

Sam, I was going to say that the only mis-step that I noticed in your account of events is that you didn't seem to check your phone again after looking to see if she had responded to your last text. Not at the end of your shift or when you got in your car to drive home......but then I remembered that you said she had told you that she was tired and would be going to bed, so I think it is reasonable to assume that when you didn't see a response after the time it took you to deal with the member of the public.....that the conversation was over and that she had turned in for the night.

I can understand that technology (and the technology operator) *fail* sometimes.....and I can also understand why your BW is so upset by this. However, it seems that you should have *proof* to show her that will back-up your story. Hopefully, once your BW calms down from being triggered by this, she'll be able to look at it more reasonably. If she's upset because this is some type of *pattern* with you, then you need to just continue to be consistent in your actions until she is able to recognize that a *new* pattern is in place.

Lesson learned for you (especially since you know that you have this *not sent* issue frequently): always, always, always double-check to make sure that the message that you have sent your wife went through........


eta: took out a sentence that didn't need to be there....

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 2:04 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

uncertainone posted 9/22/2013 14:21 PM

Jesus, the man is a cop. I'm hoping his priority is his job while at his job. Otherwise, the public, his partner, his own safety is in very real jeopardy.

Agree with AN and US. At some point there needs to be an overall picture and pattern looked at. If that is positive accept sometimes communication failures will occur. If that isn't, then that's the issue, not a txt that got stuck

Sam793 posted 9/22/2013 15:28 PM

US- I enjoy texting my BW. I feel comfort in it and I'm sure she does too. I work over an hour away from home and it makes me feel close to her.

Authentic- I understand she's going to get upset. I just don't want it to be for new reasons. I'm trying my best.

Card- I know I triggered her and I know it's my fault. I also know I need to be more careful and not rely on technology to respond the way I think it will.

Gonna- I can't always assume she is sleeping since our 5 month old is up quite a bit. She also mutes her iPad so I would be able to send messages at whatever hour.

Uncertain- it comes down to a trigger issue and I caused one. Sometimes I get tied up doing something and can't get back right away. It's taken me over two and a half hours just to do this reply. I have to accept these triggers and the way it will make me or my BW feel.

I still feel this my fault and it is due to the fact it stems to me having an A.

Sam793 posted 9/22/2013 15:28 PM

Sorry double post due to my trigger finger.

[This message edited by Sam793 at 3:29 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

HormonalWoman posted 9/22/2013 15:43 PM

So you didn't look at your phone between getting in the car after the incident dealing with the public and arriving home?

As a bw i would be upset too. Knowing how often people tend to check their phones, (and i think most people check them at the end of work, especially of they can't check it during work) i'd find it hard to believe you didn't see the other texts too.

Perhaps let her know you will always check your phone at the end of a shift in case you can't check/reply during it?

sad34 posted 9/22/2013 16:08 PM

Did you text your ow a lot while at work? If so that might be a trigger for your wife as well. And how soon after u didn't say I love you did she text you back? Quickly? If so you had plenty of time to get back to her.
I'm on your wife's side, when you screw up this badly and have a lta nothing else comes close.
My wh is also in law enforcement and he told his ow he loved her and didn't bother telling me very often he also texted her constantly while at work so it seems you have time for what u choose to have time for.

Sam793 posted 9/22/2013 16:42 PM

You're right sad and that's why I've added to the original post. Please read it again.

Scubachick posted 9/22/2013 22:22 PM

Was your wife texting from a phone or her iPad? My husbands texts are synced to my iPad. If I send him a text from my iPad, his phone does not get an alert because it's basically texting himself. And it shows the message as read. He misses some of my texts when I do that.

Card posted 9/25/2013 11:29 AM

- I used to text my AP all of the time from work where I would tell her that I loved her and not my BW hence the reason for the trigger.

Hey Sam,

I have a difficult time with replies too. I could relate to your original post. My time schedule is terrible, always has been. It's days sometimes before I can even get back to a forum to follow up.

That said, I read this above quote and wanted to comment on it.
I remember very vividly when my wife, reviewing my cell phone account online, counted the amount of time and texts with my AP and then asked me, "why didn't you ever spend that much time out of your day on me". It caused me great pause and sorrow as the tears filled her eyes.

My wife triggered terribly for the first few years anytime I didn't answer or respond to her calls and texts.

When you said;

I still feel this my fault and it is due to the fact it stems to me having an A.

You're oh so right. Had you and I 'not' committed adultery, there would be no triggers....

I did purpose to always respond, but I went a step further and spent more time texting, talking, flirting, etc. with my wife on the phone as I ever spent with my AP.... I've reaped enormous benefits in the intimacy level of my marriage as a result of this. I send texts to her at all hours of the day, just so she knows I'm thinking of her at all hours of the day!

I'm glad you took the time to update your post...

Be Well!

[This message edited by Card at 11:34 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

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