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poetic29 posted 9/22/2013 11:55 AM

I found out about my husband's second affair on 7/13/2013. I had been suspicious for months, but when I found an email from the OW where she bought him a flight for an overnight getaway I knew. (He told me he was at a seminar for work) At first I kicked him out without letting him explain anything...just threw his stuff on the porch. It has been a CRAZY ride ever since.

He didn't stop his affair with the OW after I kicked him out. In fact he denied anything besides the fact they were just great friends (I'm not an idiot!). About a month into it he confessed everything and told her he needed to back off to see if he could work on it with me...she flipped out on him. So of course he went running back to her. I had enough at that point and was at peace with leaving him alone, or going dark, as I have seen others post about. The next day he called and said it was over with her permanently, he loved me, he wanted to work on us, blah blah blah. Well that lasted a week. He's now back in contact with her and says he won't stop even though I have demanded NC. We started MC (this began during that week he promised it was over) ...we go again this week where I'm planning to lay down ground rules and boundaries. He says he wants to work on the marriage and still have her as a "friend." Um, no. There is absolutely no remorse from him...he actually says that I'm just not listening to his feelings and understanding how hard this is on HIM. It's incredibly hard to not bust out laughing...or cry.

I'm starting my 180 and I'm feeling much better today releasing all that to focus on myself. I'm sure tomorrow will be another struggle. I just want off this roller coaster.

naivegirl posted 9/22/2013 12:51 PM

Keep up with the 180. It will really help you. He sounds like he doesn't get it and that will continue until he stays no contact. Have you read the book Not Just Friends. I think it really helped.

nowiknow23 posted 9/22/2013 14:17 PM

Welcome to SI, poetic. I'm so glad you found your way here.

It sounds like you've got a clear idea of what you need. Are you ready to follow through if he isn't willing or able to give it to you?


kansas1968 posted 9/22/2013 14:35 PM

Well, if you do reconcile, the roller-coaster has just begun.
I am so glad that you are not letting him bamboozle you with his BS. He is deep, deep, in the fog. He is a typical cake-eater. He wants the secuity and respect that a family gives him, but still wants the thrill of the affair.

He is probably passive-agressive and that is why he is feeling sorry for himself and not you.

You are doing the right thing by making it very clear that it is her or you. Hang in there. He may very well come around.

I know you are still in shock, but hang in there. It does get better, but it takes time and hard work.
Hugs. Take care of yourself and put yourself first. K

poetic29 posted 9/22/2013 14:38 PM

Yes, it is definitely one thing to know it in your head and then actually follow through:) I guess that's why I joined here because I've been so encouraged reading through the forums. I've gotten most of my strength from this sight and through LOTS of prayer. I don't have anyone else in my life who has gone through something like this.

I've just gotten to the point where I realize I need to be healthy and he makes me unhealthy with all his hurtful words, declarations of love for the OW while saying he wants to work it out with head is in a constant whirlwind.

I have not read that book, but I will definitely look into it! Thanks for the suggestion.

womaninflux posted 9/22/2013 16:35 PM

In the past 6 months since DD, I have read upwards of 100 hours of articles and books. One common theme about Reconciliation is that if the WS is a serial cheater, it lessens the chances that R is possible. Just something to think about.

After the first A, did you guys get professional counseling to address the core issues? One woman I know was cheated on while they were engaged, again when they were expecting their first dc, and again 2 years later. Now he is finally getting help.

poetic29 posted 9/22/2013 20:04 PM

Hi! Yes, I'm not sure if he will ever come around. We did go to counseling after the first affair, but I'm not sure it really got to the core of our issues. It seemed to focus more on my healing and not the issues that got us there.

We are going to a different counselor and she seemed to pinpoint problems between us pretty quickly...but I don't see the point in continuing the MC when he won't stop talking/seeing the OW.

jjct posted 9/23/2013 07:11 AM

...but I don't see the point in continuing the MC when he won't stop talking/seeing the OW.

You are correct.

And re: "problems between us"
These "problems" didn't cause you to cheat did they?
The "problem" is him and his destructive choice to cheat,
as well as refusing to go NC.
Time for the 180.

poetic29 posted 9/25/2013 09:21 AM

Well I knew if I was patient long enough the truth would come out. We went to counseling on Monday and he swore he was working on NC and that he REALLY REALLY wanted to work on our marriage no matter how hard it was.

Last night he told me he was going to dinner for a friend's birthday...checked the gps (he doesn't know anything about it) and he was at the OW house. I guess her husband was out of town again! The details of his lies are just what piss me off so much. He told me the entire plan for the "birthday dinner", called me before he went, swore he hadn't talked to the OW at all that day, that things were starting to get easier on him, blah blah blah.

I sent him a text that he was unbelievable, leave me alone, and he could have her. Haven't heard from him. I spent hours last night trying to find info on her husband to no avail. I DID find his sister on facebook and sent her a message that it was urgent he call me (especially since my husband stayed at his house last night with his wife!). So we will see what happens.

I'm really upset but then a little relieved to have a break from him and all his lies. I just wish it was different.

jjct posted 9/25/2013 10:40 AM

At least you know, right?
Sorry for your pain - one good thing to do is harness your anger and use it to propel you toward healing.
Sometimes that involves hefty bags...

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