Those are hugs, GP. I am so sorry for what you are going through. How wonderful that your family is rallying to your side.
Check ou the healing library if you haven't already. It's at the upper left of the screen. Lots of good info there.
Also there is a betrayed men's thread in I can relate (another forum down below D/S). There are some awesome guys in there.
Focus on YOU and taking care of you. You won't believe this now, but you will be ok. Welcome to SI, btw. I'm sorry you're here, but you've picked a great place for support and info.
I had no idea what those were. I've been seeing a counselor, which I still invited her to join me in, and am seeing a psychiatrist to change my meds around hopefully for the better.
I've talked to my kids once in the last month. My 7 year old said 2 things to me.
"When I get a new daddy I can call him by his name since you'll always be my real daddy".
And, "mommy says lots of mean things about you, but I don't believe her I think she's just mad."
I truly have no idea who she has become, or when it happened. I have a text from her the day she left assuring me I was a good hubby and Father and they loved me. About 4 hours before she left me for good.
She filed for sole custody on the basis I was a severe alcoholic and had suicidal tendencies. These accusations will never hold up in court and I think whoever is feeding her this info and encouraging her to leave is going to get her in trouble.
She texted me back for the first time last night after I informed her she couldn't just get out of the house and having only been here a year foreclosure and bankruptcy were all but certain. She text me back to say she'd taken the girls to the dentist and was warning me there'd be bills to pay. also I believe she wanted me to feel like a bad father since she was taking such great care of the kids. None of this mattered before she left. I feel I'm leaving out some details.
Oh, wait, I have another for you.
She told her parents that the A started when we had a wife swap with the other family. Found out from a mutual friend. This never happened and all I can figure is it makes her look a little less guilty to her very religious parents if initially there was infidelity on my part as well. Her affair just never ended after that day.
This is crass and unnecessary to mention but if that had been the case I would have been getting a very raw deal! His wife is not an attractive person. Physically or mentally. His marriage is safe because she couldn't survive without him.
Talking is already getting me out of my funk and getting my dander up a little.
The fact that she will not let you see the kids may be an issue with the courts. You need to document, document, document. Try to conduct all communication via text or email so you have it in writing that she will not let you see the kids. That may be considered parental alienation. Also, if you have any face to fact conversation with her then consider getting a VAR (voice activated recorder).
Also, you need a father's rights L ASAP. Do not discuss anything else about the D or S with your WW, let your L do all of the talking. It looks like your WW is trying to scare you and bully you. Let her know you are willing to play hard ball and she cannot just take whatever she wants from your and the M.
I don't know if you have exposed the OM to his BW yet. If not then talk to your L about if it will impact the D at all. Perhaps the best way to expose him will be when he gets a summons for a deposition. But talk to your L and take hi/her advice.
Stay strong. Try to eat. Try to get some rest.
I'm sorry you've had reason to find us but I'm glad you did.
Please read the Healing Library. Especially about NC (No Contact) and the 180.
Get ready for the person you thought you married to completely disappear before your eyes. Everything you ever thought she would NEVER do, she will. She is showing you who she is, believe her.
Keeping your kids away from you is detrimental to them as well as to you. She is showing she is not beyond cruelty.
Be prepared for everything to be your fault. The troubled M, her affair, everything that goes wrong post DD.
I had the shittest husband on the planet. Moody, critical, anxiety-laden, uninterested in our family and just generally a misery to be around. That was reason to get divorced - not to cheat.
Keep reading. Keep posting. The shock will wear off soon and your BS cloud will lift. You'll start seeing her for who she really is rather than who you thought she was.
Use the anger to evict her from your life. I parallel parent a 3 and 5.5 year old with the sad clown and have arranged drop offs/pickups via school and daycare so I rarely have to see him. All comms are via text or email. All of this has helped me to detach and evict him from my mind and my life.
At the end of the day my children and I are paying the consequences of his choices but you know what? Its better than staying in an M with an unremorseful cheater. Life is good - I'm happier than I've been in years. I've reconnected with myself and those around me. I hadn't realised it but I had gone numb in that M.
There's a funny quote that pretty much sums up the last 5 years of that M "“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.” It made me laugh when I first read it and it still makes me laugh now.
Do not engage with her. Keep telling her you want to see your children but do it in a business-like manner.
i.e. What happened has been over for months and only happened a couple times.
There is no legal record of abuse physical or otherwise. I haven't had a drink since she left. Plenty of witnesses. I'll fight her tooth and nail and no she's not walking away from this.
As to her counsel, I'm sure she hasn't retained any yet as no lawyer would advise her to keep the kids from me. I have a motion for orders for visitation waiting in the wings but I have to get my counter claim in first. Tomorrow hopefully. She had no idea she couldn't just bail on the house and was upset when i advised her I had a realator looking into the sale. She wants to be part of any decisions financially and questioned the realators numbers etc...
How ruthless she gets does concern me. This could be very amicable as we dont have a lot of debt or assets to be divided. Ultimately I guess I worry about the judge and his standing and how many of her family or co-workers will perjur themselves for her. She wasn't LDS before the split but has been going back to church and where I'm from that is the biggest support group anyone could ask for.
There's not much legal recourse to be taken that will change my counter claim and no reasonable judge should be able to argue what i'm asking for, but the uncertainty is certainly scary.
My situation may differ greatly in terms of discovery and other personal bits but is not different from what any other man is going through.
If there are some ideas about how to protect myself let me know. Going for the throat is a little vague. She can keep that. Who knows where it's been.
Her keeping the kids from you is abominable and right now is your biggest, most lethal weapon she's given you. Unless she has video of you raping your kids, there's no judge in the land who will condone what she's done. Add to that the comments your child made to you and you have some very powerful weapons. Your STBX is clearly using the children as pawns. Judges don't like that.
You are going to need to get those papers filed immediately. Take tomorrow off and hand walk them through the court if you have to. Get the emergency custody papers filed, too. Move on this, my man. Set that alarm and make it happen.
For now drop the idea of a bankruptcy atty. And stop jumping the gun and calling realtors. Usually when the judge signs the initial petition for divorce a moratorium is created for all assets. You can't change anything, sell anything, move anything from one account to another, change beneficiaries, nothing. You can't do anything. You can't sell the house right now, so stop wasting your time & energy on it.
Most importantly, no we were not swingers. They may have been at some point but not while we were friends. They being OM and OW. Won't hate on the lifestyle but I'm a jealous type. I may have let her stray too far by trying to keep my jealousy in check. If I'd ever voiced my thoughts it wouldn't have happened or I may have known sooner. Hindsight is 20/20.
Secondly, yeah I think at this point I do have some weapons against her. She text me last night about taking care of the cat saying she was going to take it to the shelter etc... said the girls love the cat. I invited them over to see him but no response.
She only speaks to me to let me know she's doing something right or I'm doing something wrong. She's always the victim. It's not an act unfortunately. I think she genuinely believes it. I hope the judge or lawyers put this in a little perspective for her.