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Gr8Panoz posted 9/22/2013 14:00 PM

Been lurking long enough that I thought I may as well share. The story isn't that much different but there are some differences.
D-Day was 8-26-13. Snooping on the phone. Gut feelings you know. Not terribly proud of it but it is what it is. The OM was my best friend. Family had kids the same ages wives were friends etc...
Obviously the STBXW was more than friends with the OM.
Initially she wanted to make it work but wasn't very apologetic about it. On 8-28 I sat her down for a face to face about the future of our family. I forgave her and asked her to stay. She replied she didn't know what she wanted and left with the kids to her parents. on 8-30, she texted me she wanted a divorce. I of course begged her not to leave but she has apparently been planning this a while. 9-1 She came with her family to get most of her stuff and left.
She filed the divorce papers on 9-5 and I received them 2 days later. Thats right, less than one week after I called her out on the affair she had divorce papers signed and headed my way. She has thus far refused to let me see the kids. 2 girls aged 7 and 5. I've asked many times and she was going to allow me to see them on one occasion with her and her dad at a restaraunt. She texted and cancelled that visit.
I've got a lawyer and will have the counter claim turned in this week. I'll also be looking for a bankruptcy lawyer to help with the impending foreclosure. She had almost all the utilities and bills seperated the first week.
We haven't talked anytime recently but it's clear she's painted herself as the victim. I've struggled with depression most my life and wasn't the emotional support and caring hubby and father I could have been. I've accepted my responsibility for this fault in our marriage.
She had lots of time to work this out with me and get me in to counseling or anything else really, but she chose to have an affair instead. I feel pretty low but I was always faithful.
The OM was my best friend for years and this affair has been ongoing for 9+ months. He's also pretty much my boss at work.
So I lost my wife, kids, best friend, comfort at work, house, and future in one week flat. I'm finally getting to the point where I hate her so badly for what shes done to me. My life is still a mess though. There is a silver lining though, my family has rallied around me in a way I never thought possible. I'll survive and eventually retrieve my self esteem from the pit it currently resides in.
Any support or ideas or consolation is greatly appreciated. I'm an open book so if there are any questions feel free to ask. I've told the story quite a few times but each time I tell it I plant some more important details in my mind releasing myself from the brunt of the blame.
I have never been a member of a forum before so any advice or complaints about the format will also be appreciated.
And finally, if you've read this far, I have all the negative thoughts I need in my head at the moment so bashing the STBXW is ok but definately not necessary.


sunsetslost posted 9/22/2013 14:06 PM

I'm so sorry. Take care of yourself. Seek counseling if you haven't already. My therapist is saving my life. Literally. We are here for you. Ask questions, you'll get good advice here. I hope you find peace.

soveryweary posted 9/22/2013 14:08 PM

I'm so sorry Gr8Panoz, for all you have been through in such a short time.
There are so many caring people here, you will find so much advice and comfort.
I don't have young kids so I can't help with advice about your rights involving them.
Does she at least let you talk with them?
I'm so glad you have your family around you,
Sending a hug.

seekingright2013 posted 9/22/2013 14:12 PM


Those are hugs, GP. I am so sorry for what you are going through. How wonderful that your family is rallying to your side.

Check ou the healing library if you haven't already. It's at the upper left of the screen. Lots of good info there.

Also there is a betrayed men's thread in I can relate (another forum down below D/S). There are some awesome guys in there.

Focus on YOU and taking care of you. You won't believe this now, but you will be ok. Welcome to SI, btw. I'm sorry you're here, but you've picked a great place for support and info.

Gr8Panoz posted 9/22/2013 14:31 PM

Thanks for the (((()))))'s

I had no idea what those were. I've been seeing a counselor, which I still invited her to join me in, and am seeing a psychiatrist to change my meds around hopefully for the better.
I've talked to my kids once in the last month. My 7 year old said 2 things to me.
"When I get a new daddy I can call him by his name since you'll always be my real daddy".
And, "mommy says lots of mean things about you, but I don't believe her I think she's just mad."
I truly have no idea who she has become, or when it happened. I have a text from her the day she left assuring me I was a good hubby and Father and they loved me. About 4 hours before she left me for good.
She filed for sole custody on the basis I was a severe alcoholic and had suicidal tendencies. These accusations will never hold up in court and I think whoever is feeding her this info and encouraging her to leave is going to get her in trouble.
She texted me back for the first time last night after I informed her she couldn't just get out of the house and having only been here a year foreclosure and bankruptcy were all but certain. She text me back to say she'd taken the girls to the dentist and was warning me there'd be bills to pay. also I believe she wanted me to feel like a bad father since she was taking such great care of the kids. None of this mattered before she left. I feel I'm leaving out some details.
Oh, wait, I have another for you.
She told her parents that the A started when we had a wife swap with the other family. Found out from a mutual friend. This never happened and all I can figure is it makes her look a little less guilty to her very religious parents if initially there was infidelity on my part as well. Her affair just never ended after that day.
This is crass and unnecessary to mention but if that had been the case I would have been getting a very raw deal! His wife is not an attractive person. Physically or mentally. His marriage is safe because she couldn't survive without him.
Talking is already getting me out of my funk and getting my dander up a little.

Dreamboat posted 9/22/2013 15:39 PM

I am sorry for your pain.

The fact that she will not let you see the kids may be an issue with the courts. You need to document, document, document. Try to conduct all communication via text or email so you have it in writing that she will not let you see the kids. That may be considered parental alienation. Also, if you have any face to fact conversation with her then consider getting a VAR (voice activated recorder).

Also, you need a father's rights L ASAP. Do not discuss anything else about the D or S with your WW, let your L do all of the talking. It looks like your WW is trying to scare you and bully you. Let her know you are willing to play hard ball and she cannot just take whatever she wants from your and the M.

I don't know if you have exposed the OM to his BW yet. If not then talk to your L about if it will impact the D at all. Perhaps the best way to expose him will be when he gets a summons for a deposition. But talk to your L and take hi/her advice.

Stay strong. Try to eat. Try to get some rest.

SBB posted 9/22/2013 17:32 PM

^^What Dreamboat said.

I'm sorry you've had reason to find us but I'm glad you did.

Please read the Healing Library. Especially about NC (No Contact) and the 180.

Get ready for the person you thought you married to completely disappear before your eyes. Everything you ever thought she would NEVER do, she will. She is showing you who she is, believe her.

Keeping your kids away from you is detrimental to them as well as to you. She is showing she is not beyond cruelty.

Be prepared for everything to be your fault. The troubled M, her affair, everything that goes wrong post DD.

I had the shittest husband on the planet. Moody, critical, anxiety-laden, uninterested in our family and just generally a misery to be around. That was reason to get divorced - not to cheat.

Keep reading. Keep posting. The shock will wear off soon and your BS cloud will lift. You'll start seeing her for who she really is rather than who you thought she was.

Use the anger to evict her from your life. I parallel parent a 3 and 5.5 year old with the sad clown and have arranged drop offs/pickups via school and daycare so I rarely have to see him. All comms are via text or email. All of this has helped me to detach and evict him from my mind and my life.

At the end of the day my children and I are paying the consequences of his choices but you know what? Its better than staying in an M with an unremorseful cheater. Life is good - I'm happier than I've been in years. I've reconnected with myself and those around me. I hadn't realised it but I had gone numb in that M.

There's a funny quote that pretty much sums up the last 5 years of that M "“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.” It made me laugh when I first read it and it still makes me laugh now.

Gr8Panoz posted 9/22/2013 18:12 PM

I've got a recorder in the waiting. Not sure she has the balls to talk to me face to face. For the record the OM's wife is aware. My wife fooled around with her too. She says not sex but 3rd base at least I would say.
She text me a few hours ago threatening to take the cat to the shelter because the neighbors said it had been hanging around their house a lot lately. Shes pushing my buttons and I'm having a hard time not responding. I'm better than her though. She also said the girls love the cat and I invited them to come and see him. Guess what, no response.
I am trying to stay strong and I think all said and done I'm doing pretty well but damn it hurts.

SBB posted 9/22/2013 18:30 PM

As NIK once so eloquently said "They know which buttons to press because they installed the fuckers".

Do not engage with her. Keep telling her you want to see your children but do it in a business-like manner.

stronger08 posted 9/22/2013 19:04 PM

First off I'm sorry you find yourself here. Secondly it's very apparent she is being advised legally on how to screw you over. Most likely she has retained legal advise or has been coached as to how the D process works. I think she feels that she will walk away, take the kids and leave you with all the financial responsibility of the M. FUCK THAT !!! She is just as much responsible for the marital debt as you are. Don't waste your money right now on a bankruptcy attorney. What's gonna happen after the dissolution of the M is going to happen anyway. Instead focus your money and energy on fighting her in the D. I understand that you are hurting. But its imperative you get back on your feet and start fighting back. D is war !!! Don't give the enemy any aid and comfort. You must fight her with anything and everything at your disposal. Whatever you have on her and the OM no matter how embarrassing must be exposed. You must start a campaign of truth ASAP. Get the real word out to those who matter. Shame her, blame her and tame her. She has fired the first shots here with her blatant lies that your a suicidal alcoholic. Gloves must come off now friend. Don't do anything stupid and use your head my man. And most of all do not sit there while she destroys your life. Nothing hurts a WS more than the truth. Go for the throat pal. She is trying to hurt you and is dragging your kids down with her. Protect them and yourself put that bitch in her rightful place. Your life depends on it.

Gr8Panoz posted 9/22/2013 21:22 PM

I'm certainly trying. Theres no proof of anything. I do have some texts from the OM indirectly alluding to the affair.

i.e. What happened has been over for months and only happened a couple times.

There is no legal record of abuse physical or otherwise. I haven't had a drink since she left. Plenty of witnesses. I'll fight her tooth and nail and no she's not walking away from this.

As to her counsel, I'm sure she hasn't retained any yet as no lawyer would advise her to keep the kids from me. I have a motion for orders for visitation waiting in the wings but I have to get my counter claim in first. Tomorrow hopefully. She had no idea she couldn't just bail on the house and was upset when i advised her I had a realator looking into the sale. She wants to be part of any decisions financially and questioned the realators numbers etc...

How ruthless she gets does concern me. This could be very amicable as we dont have a lot of debt or assets to be divided. Ultimately I guess I worry about the judge and his standing and how many of her family or co-workers will perjur themselves for her. She wasn't LDS before the split but has been going back to church and where I'm from that is the biggest support group anyone could ask for.

There's not much legal recourse to be taken that will change my counter claim and no reasonable judge should be able to argue what i'm asking for, but the uncertainty is certainly scary.

My situation may differ greatly in terms of discovery and other personal bits but is not different from what any other man is going through.

If there are some ideas about how to protect myself let me know. Going for the throat is a little vague. She can keep that. Who knows where it's been.

Thefly559 posted 9/23/2013 01:07 AM

You have gotten some amazing advice so far! There is not much to add. I have a question, were you in a swinging relationship? Because you said your wife fooled around with his?my buddy did this too and it didn't turn out well, same ending as you. But that is water under the bridge now. Just focus on you and those kids , do exactly what you heard here and what your lawyer says. She is no longer your wife she is the enemy now , especially if you want to come close to getting anything from this mess. I wish you the best of luck and stay strong.

Nature_Girl posted 9/23/2013 02:00 AM

Her taking the kids & not coming back may constitute abandonment. That may have legal ramifications in whatever state you're in.

Her keeping the kids from you is abominable and right now is your biggest, most lethal weapon she's given you. Unless she has video of you raping your kids, there's no judge in the land who will condone what she's done. Add to that the comments your child made to you and you have some very powerful weapons. Your STBX is clearly using the children as pawns. Judges don't like that.

You are going to need to get those papers filed immediately. Take tomorrow off and hand walk them through the court if you have to. Get the emergency custody papers filed, too. Move on this, my man. Set that alarm and make it happen.

For now drop the idea of a bankruptcy atty. And stop jumping the gun and calling realtors. Usually when the judge signs the initial petition for divorce a moratorium is created for all assets. You can't change anything, sell anything, move anything from one account to another, change beneficiaries, nothing. You can't do anything. You can't sell the house right now, so stop wasting your time & energy on it.

Gr8Panoz posted 9/23/2013 11:34 AM

Firstly, I'm phoning this reply in. Short and to the point as this could take a while.

Most importantly, no we were not swingers. They may have been at some point but not while we were friends. They being OM and OW. Won't hate on the lifestyle but I'm a jealous type. I may have let her stray too far by trying to keep my jealousy in check. If I'd ever voiced my thoughts it wouldn't have happened or I may have known sooner. Hindsight is 20/20.

Secondly, yeah I think at this point I do have some weapons against her. She text me last night about taking care of the cat saying she was going to take it to the shelter etc... said the girls love the cat. I invited them over to see him but no response.

She only speaks to me to let me know she's doing something right or I'm doing something wrong. She's always the victim. It's not an act unfortunately. I think she genuinely believes it. I hope the judge or lawyers put this in a little perspective for her.

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