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Evident Guilt, at Long Last

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Ashland13 posted 9/22/2013 16:41 PM

Well, low and behold, guilt is flowing forth from X. He is no longer able to hold it in, in front of me.

What amazes me (many things do), is that he continues to make decisions that go against what I think is his conscience.

The tables are turned now, for it is me that is the stone faced person who is showing zero empathy or sympathy, zero emotions, zero replies. It is him approaching me, for I refuse to approach him or ask anything.

Oh, it isn't that he wants to come back, it's that he wants to "help" and "make your life easier", which I imagine are ways to put his guilt at ease.

There are many, many consequences hitting him full force now, money being the biggest one and it is really something to witness, the way he still blames "the universe", "the world", "the insurance company", "your lawyer" "the choices that chose me"... yes, this was an actual statement and so on. This was his latest statement, when I did mention after a complaint of his that it's a shame he made such choices...he actually replied, "these things chose me." ????

And with the narcissism so big a part of his life, it's also interesting in a sad way, now, to hear the fishing for compliments that he needs so constantly and the kind of ...maintenance that he needs constantly. These were things I never noticed before or were less evident in daily things.

He still wants his life with OW and I no longer want him back, the feelings are dead, it's just interesting to see the wall down and the tables turned.

The one thing I did comment to him recently was that "I wouldn't be able to go against my conscience" in ways that he has and I left it at that.

SBB posted 9/22/2013 17:18 PM

Tread carefully friend. That all sounds like far too much contact to me.

He won't free you - you need to free yourself, NC will help you do that.

I have found kindness or overt civility from that waste of oxygen is usually followed by some colossal fuckery.

Brace yourself.

devistatedmom posted 9/22/2013 17:19 PM

Ashland, you sound solo much stronger than just a few months ago.

Yep, he's finally noticing that life isn't so rosy on the other side, and he's becoming lost while you are finding your groove and where you want to go. Soon, he will be in the dust, while you are flying away.

Edited because my computer is busted and my iPad and I had a button fight.

[This message edited by devistatedmom at 5:21 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

sunsetslost posted 9/22/2013 17:27 PM

STBX reached out the day after our last anniversary. She also reached out a bit this week, even stopping by unannounced and uninvited. Used the cat as the reason. I ain't falling for it. I told her infidelity is a deal breaker. Stay strong Ash.

Ashland13 posted 9/22/2013 17:29 PM

Thank you.

@ Strongbutbroken, I'm on guard, DYW (don't you worry). I've been fooled enough by this man and it will happen no more (by anyone). What I find is that as I shut down, he goes through periods of trickling info to me either himself or through DD and I finally don't want to know. I am a lot better at robotic response, i.e. "that's nice" to either of them and it may be affecting him, but I'm very done...he's not getting back in.

Thank you, devistatedmom, that means a lot. It's been absolute hell for the last two years, but I'm on my way, at last. I don't get many compliments or people recognizing how far I've come mentally, so it means a lot.

There was a lot of complaining about "pressure" and "responsibility" before as reasons for what he did, but he didn't lessen them-he worsened it.

Geez, Sunsets, they'll try anything, won't they? Good for you, too! We'll make it, I know we will.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 5:31 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 9/22/2013 17:34 PM

It's NOT guilt, Ash.

It's a pity party and a manipulation on his part in order to get you to join in......

****I have found kindness or overt civility from that waste of oxygen is usually followed by some colossal fuckery.****
And ^^^this is true for me also.
Every.Single.Time.....

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 5:35 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

PurpleRose posted 9/22/2013 20:30 PM

Yes yes, do not be fooled. It is NOT guilt.. It's manipulation. He is uncomfortable and doesn't like the way this is panning out. He probably is seeing some tiny specks of just how shitty his life is going to be moving forward and might be regretting some stuff, but guilt?

Nah. Our waywards don't have that in them.

[This message edited by PurpleRose at 8:31 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

Housefulloflove posted 9/22/2013 22:17 PM

Yes yes, do not be fooled. It is NOT guilt.. It's manipulation. He is uncomfortable and doesn't like the way this is panning out. He probably is seeing some tiny specks of just how shitty his life is going to be moving forward and might be regretting some stuff, but guilt?

Nah. Our waywards don't have that in them.

This is what I was just about to type. If he is NPD he doesn't feel guilt. What would be/should be guilt from a normal person is usually self-pity, or just some sort of expression of how badly they feel FOR THEMSELVES. Because all feelings in the universe are from him, for him and about him.

I try to think of my Ex as a non-human. When I attributed human emotions to him I was ALWAYS wrong in my assumptions. Not seeing what I wish was there and would be there if he were functional has been incredibly difficult. What I thought was there before wasn't. What should be there now isn't. My ex is in DEEP, DEEP, DEEP, financial doo-doo. He has lost a lot and just about everything has changed for the worst for him. Does he feel remorse, regret or guilt? Nope. He views everything that has happened as something that happened TO him. He hasn't caused a thing from his POV (and he actually told me he didn't cause anything the night before our divorce hearing.) All the ways his life is going downhill is the result of other people's decisions. Mostly my decisions according to him but if he can't assign blame to me it's going anywhere else other than himself.

Your ex should feel like a giant loser but I bet he feels like a victim instead. The more victimized he feels the better you must be doing because nothing will make him feel lower than seeing you go on and do well without him!

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 10:19 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

Thefly559 posted 9/23/2013 01:20 AM

My stbxww is the same , I will not let her in for a second she , like your husband , just wants to manipulate . That button comment is awesome! And so true. Stay as strong as you sound and don't let go of that anger or indifference use it as your shield. At least it works for me ! All the best !

Bluebird26 posted 9/23/2013 04:24 AM

I have found kindness or overt civility from that waste of oxygen is usually followed by some colossal fuckery.

Brace yourself.


Exactly that. Please don't mistake 'guilt' act, it more than likely is true manipulation.

[This message edited by Bluebird26 at 4:25 AM, September 23rd (Monday)]

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