"I'm still standing better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid" Elton John
I don't know your story but I can feel your pain. I understand it too well.
I am in the midst of the 1st a season and it feels as if I am getting worse. The memories of last year this time, before I knew what was happening in my life. Grieving for who I was on these days, the innocence.
All I can do to soothe myself right now, to try to counteract the feelings of hopelessness, is to remember how I really felt then. To acknowledge how far I have really come.
It is hard to continue on, day to day with this pain inside. It is so hard to see that it is getting better. I have to make a conscious effort to recognize it. I believe the hardest part is that time factor. I want to make it go faster, get it over with. I want to be better now!!!
I find the times when I feel the best are when I can stay in the moment, try to appreciate the positive things in my life now. Not easy, so much work, sometimes it seems as if the pain has a life of its own. Sometimes it seems as if I have to fight my own mind, my thoughts, to keep from sinking into a pit.
I just try to have hope for a better future. I try to accept that I cannot have the past that I wanted. I try to appreciate how strong I have become (sometimes). I try to be grateful that I will never live that marginal life ever again, (our marriage was pretty bad).
Are you in IC? A Godsend for me.
Do you do anything just for you now? I am not very good at that, but today I am going for a massage.
No great words of wisdom, just get the sadness.
Just had a thought. One of the questions that I ask myself now, "what makes me happy?" I have never considered before what pleases me apart from others. I have always derived my happiness from pleasing others, making them happy made me happy. Now, I try to think of what, aside from others, what makes me and only me, feel strong, pampered, capable, accomplished. I don't know if this applies to you but I thought I would share.
I hope you have a peaceful day.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
I attempted R, he was a lie