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Dating a BS

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tabitha95 posted 9/22/2013 18:00 PM

I met someone on match about 5 weeks ago. We are hitting it off pretty well. His wife cheated on him with lots of guys. It messed with him for awhile. It's been 7 years for him now.

I went out to support a friend's band Friday night and went with two other friends, who happen to be men while new guy was at work. One is my best friend's husband and they have a severely autistic child so they rarely can go out together due to daycare issues. I tend to do things with them both, but separately. I don't think anything of it. My best friend encourages it so that her husband can get some time out and she trusts us both.

Well, new guy didn't take too well to me going out with men. We haven't had a talk about dating exclusively or anything like that. I sent him a text explaining who the men were. I then sent another saying that I put myself in his shoes and that it would eat me alive if he was out with two women, and apoligized to him. Man, oh man, was that ever the RIGHT thing to do. He said that no one has ever voluntarily put themselves in his shoes. It meant a lot to him.

Being a BS myself, I know that I have some trust issues.

I'm hoping that communication may help. Two BSs dating can possibly open up some issues. Any advice?

inconnu posted 9/22/2013 18:38 PM

When SO (also a BS) and I first got together, we came up with a code word to use when discussing potentially triggery subjects. Okay, we didn't actually plan to use a code word, but it got used in one of the early, triggery conversations, so we kept using it. It helped, a lot. If either of us were in a place emotionally where we couldn't handle a heavy discussion, we said so. We also made sure we got back to that topic, though.

Communication is key. No topic is taboo, but the other person also gets a say in when the topic gets discussed.

We also made sure we had other things in common besides both being BS. And the BS thing - it's a part of both our individual histories, but it's not a part of our relationship. We trust each other, and while I've had triggers during this relationship with SO, it hasn't been because of anything he has done. A situation might have caused one, but it's my reaction to the past, not my present.

fireproof posted 9/22/2013 21:23 PM

I think you have to understand your emotions and the other person has to be willing to engage in topics that cause friction. It is just another potential issue but can be resolved with honest communication. For example my bestfriends from over 20 years are still my friends. We say I love you etc. If the person that was with me had a major issue with that I know I would chose my friends. I would like to think that I would chose someone who would know me and feel comfortable. I have been fortunate and even with a BS my friends are not an issue.

Be sensitive but know that if something's comes to a head try to work things out but only to the extent you take proper responsibility as well as your partner. He can't pay for your ex actions or lack of actions nor can you.

Enjoy and it can be quite a rewarding relationship

damncutekitty posted 9/22/2013 22:15 PM

I go out of my way NOT to put my BS issues onto people I date, because I don't want to be treated like damaged goods. For me, that would be mortifying.

First question, have you given this guy any reason to believe that you cannot be trusted with your male friends?

Second, have your male friends expressed romantic interest in you, or done anything to make your new guy not trust them?

If the answer to both is no then IMO he's out of line. Don't even get me started on the fact that you are not even dating exclusively yet so really he is out of line even saying anything in the first place...

[This message edited by damncutekitty at 10:15 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

tabitha95 posted 9/24/2013 02:03 AM

The good thing is, we are both out of this for a bit. The bad thing is we both have to deal with the WS because of co-parenting issues.

Don't even get me started on the fact that you are not even dating exclusively yet so really he is out of line even saying anything in the first place...

It wasn't anger. It was that he is developing feelings for me and me being out with men made him realize how much he was feeling for me.

He hasn't met these friends. He didn't know who I was with.

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