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De-personifying the AP

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lucy17 posted 9/22/2013 18:09 PM

It so helps me to de-personify the AP. You know the meth commercial where the strung-out boy comes in and beats up his mom for money? That's H. The meth is AP. He had been depressed, so depressed. Did you know depression changes your brain chemistry? Neither of us recognized the severity. So he self-medicated. But not in a healthy talk to your wife and doctor and figure this out kind of way---in a sneak around in some dark alley dirt patch to get your fix kind of way. She wasn't amazing or even special. You can't be any of those things and do what they did-the only "attractive" thing about her was that she was broken enough herself to stoop so low. The only helpful part about the affair is that I found out about it and the shock of losing me and his daughter also jolted his depressed brain. Now seeing or thinking about AP, for the most part, just reminds him of his betrayal and he's ashamed. AP is like a dirty needle he doesn't need or even want any more. He's coming back, but now we both have so far to go.

mchercheur posted 9/22/2013 19:23 PM

Yes, since Dday, I have given the OW way too much space in my mind, & trying to figure out how WH's A happened----I learned a lot from reading the Wayward forum. It is commonly said that the AP could have been anyone----& was just another broken person that was there at the right moment when broken WH was receptive. I understand your comparison to a drug----AP was an escape.

Lionne posted 9/22/2013 20:23 PM

SAFWH has said similar things. Self medicating with porn and lap dancers, flirting that led to EAs and PAs was an alternative to blowing his brains out.
He WAS taking ADs. Trouble is, he was misdiagnosed. What he had was not just chronic depression, but bipolar 2, and he needed a different approach and different medication. He was too stubborn to see a psychiatrist, and so his illness persisted. Bipolar 2 differs from depression and from BP in several important ways. He is a truly changed man since treatment. Unfortunately, I am so damaged by years of betrayal and abuse we are still recovering.
I hope you have a good outcome from your discovery.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 8:24 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

naivewife posted 9/22/2013 20:41 PM

"It was easier than suicide."
was one of the first ways WH described his A. So I can definitely relate to this post. And it doesn't help that AP was acting as his doctor in coordination with his psychiatrist (aka AP's mother). Yeah, it was total self-medicating, in the most selfish way possible. Even his IC says she was simply a drug - a way to mask his problems and pain.

bionicgal posted 9/22/2013 21:30 PM

The addiction metaphor has come up a lot in therapy. It is hard, b/c the AP was a mutual friend, so it is harder for me to depersonify her.

The escape idea is also very powerful in our case. Escaping aging, escaping insecurities, escaping family life, escaping work and responsibility. My good, loving H went on a 3 month long "F- You" to the world. And in the end, ended up more in the hole than when he started.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 9/22/2013 21:31 PM

Interesting. My H said he was metaphorically trying to end his life. He was also suffering from a deep depression due to the loss of his dad and he was on Chantix- and that totally changed his brain and behavior, IMO. (In this case, IMO= In My Observation)

topperoff22 posted 9/23/2013 13:31 PM

I will come back to this later. Ihave to pick my son up from school but your situation is exactly mine! I kid you not!

topperoff22 posted 9/23/2013 16:40 PM

My husband's grandfather had died the year before. He was in a deep depression...blaming me for all kinds of things and turned away from me and to an ex-girlfriend. Says he slept with her once but for 10 months he was texting and calling her and buying her gifts. I knew for longer than I let on..I knew he was texting a lot but never imagined he had slept with her. nEver believed he would do that. Never. It's been a rough two months since I discovered it. Today he told our counselor he doesn't even think of her unless I bring her up. She's moved seven states away with her family and he says he has no interest in hearing from her or speaking to her. He has blocked her on his cell, FB, everywhere and says all he wants to do is focus on repairing what he broke and repairing our marriage and our family (we have a six year old son). And I think, but I'm still not sure, that it was the shock of realizing how far down he was that made him realize how bad his depression was as well. I don't always trust his breakdowns and his "breakthroughs" on this, though...sometimes I wonder if it is emotional blackmail from him, but at the same time I do know he is really messed up. HE's lied his whole life to get out of things, into things..whatever. HE lied to her, to me, to our family, he lies to everyone...even himself. He's only now agreed to see a personal counselor in addition to asking that we go to a couples counselor. I had already been seeing a counselor on my own. To top it off we are also taking our son to a counselor. Oy. OUr weeks are filled with counseling sessions now.

topperoff22 posted 9/23/2013 16:41 PM

Can I ask why you have two d-days? I sort of do too. I have the day I found all the gifts he'd sent her (7/24) and then the day I learned he'd actually slept with her and was having an affair (8/3).

lucy17 posted 9/23/2013 17:30 PM

My two days are the opposite of yours--PA then EA--funny, in a not-so-funny way.
My first D-day was an admittance to PA and denial of anything else. But...the pieces weren't fitting together. When he told me about PA he told me that he told her if she ever needed anything he would be there for her and if only he had met her sooner or if we lived in a different country he wouldn't be breaking up with her he would be introducing her to his wife (that one still gets me). He told me how amazing she is--"You know I like independent women. She intelligent. She's athletic. She has an amazing body. She changed me...." He told me he had dreamed about her and told her that he dreamed about her and that he had told her that he's falling for her. When I asked- when did you talk, what did you talk about...? His response was that they talked in the car on the way out to their dirt patch and it was awkward, just small stuff. That would have added up to less than 3 hours over 3 months of "awkwardness." Soooo, I checked phone records and found THOUSANDS of texts each month and pictures (he even searched during his work time for the a special emoticon just for her)--texting from 6 in the morning until 11 at night AND 45 breaks in NC after D-day those first 2 weeks. The day I checked phone records and had to discover on my own the full extent of the A and the breaks in NC is D-day 2 and definitely the most painful (even after the really shitty way he told me in the first place). I was heading to divorce that day--completely, absolutely done with this lying stranger. He called MC and we had "emergency" meeting. Still wasn't sure about committing to R until later that week, but talking to MC helped.

[This message edited by lucy17 at 5:49 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]

topperoff22 posted 9/23/2013 18:52 PM

Your situation sounds way worse than mine! Wow. I think what I'm worried about is how my husband now acts like he just wants to forget about it..yet does want to rebuild our marriage...and move on in some ways. I still have some things I want answers on but he doesn't really want to answer them. He's answered almost everything...most of it I had to draaaag from him like pulling a dang tooth, though.

lucy17 posted 9/23/2013 21:57 PM

[This message edited by lucy17 at 11:47 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]

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