Everyone's story is different. But it's a betrayal either way.
I'm sorry for your hurt.
Don't know how much further it would have gone, but seeing as he was born with a condition that makes it impossible to have penetrative sex with anyone, I guess I can say, it wouldn't have gone any further! But he still cheated on me ... sorry your going thru this - my WS said it would never have gone any further, that it was fun, he was bored, the girls were sluts ... he used them, they used him etc ... take lap top away from him, I took his away (threw it at the wall) he doesn't go online no more!
Anything is possible. Right now, just follow your instinct.
Trust has to regained either way.
IC or MC in the cards to figure out why he sought these websites out vs. being turned on by his wife?
My husband had profiles on at least 2 of those sites. I'm not sure for how long. I suspect it was at least 2-3 years, possibly longer.
Looking back, I feel like I had found proof, but ignored it...until I couldn't ignore it any longer.
My WH claims to have only met for a sexual encounter ONCE.
For me, it's bittersweet --
Once? Really? Not sure how to believe that, but ONCE is all he claims there was. Just once. We can heal from "just once". There is hope in "just once". It was "just sex just once".
On the other hand...
Just once? After all that time? All that perusing? All the risks taken to his marriage and family by consenting to the trap of betrayal? Just once......so what made HER so special? After all the profiles and message exchanges and being on the hunt for all that time -- what made him choose HER? Did he fall in love with her? Does he miss her? There must have been something special...because it only took "just once" for him to risk it all for her.
Follow your gut, Jesss...it hasn't lied to you yet.
You're right kickboxer, I know what you mean by "just once" being bittersweet.
Even if my WH never did have physical sex, this is still a huge betrayal. I don't know how to even begin to properly heal. I felt like I was feeling better last week, now for no reason I feel like I just found out all over again.
I feel like it would help if he told me he did have physical sex, so far everything that he has admitted to is stuff that I found myself.
And I do believe he is sorry, and he will not do it again, well he is serious about trying not to, I think he is a sex addict. But before I begin to heal with him, I feel like I need to know everything, and I don't feel like I do. He insists that I know everything, but I can't believe him, I'm soooo scared to believe him.
He is not going to admit to anything else. While I am talking to him, he feels almost like my husband I knew before I found all this out, and I find myself believing him. But as soon as I am off the phone with him, or have time to think, I start doubting him again. He has been gas lighting me for years. So I know he is very very good at making me believe him.
He is willing to go to therapy, I even found a CSAT I our town, and Sex addicts annonymous group, he said he will do whatever I want.
I'm afraid that even if he gets help and truly does stop all this, I am going to wonder the rest of my life if he ever did meet anyone...
To my surprise, he said he only talked to her once! Then I asked him how many girls he's spoke with on the phone, (before this he said it was only one girl he talked on the phone to once). He said he talked to 3 women on the phone and texted a whole bunch that never really replied - so nothing came out if it.
This was after I repeatedly begged him to tell me EVERYTHING. And he kept saying I knew everything. Now he says the phone and text conversations meant nothing and he forgot about them and didn't know he was lying!
So now, I'm pretty positive he has had sex. He has no problem living with more secrets as he pretends to be remorseful.
I told him I'm done now. I miss him sooo much already, and it's taking all of my strength not to text or call him, ( he works out of town so I won't see him until Thursday).
I'm going to read about the 180 on this site and try hard to do it.
Well done on reading the 180, and just take it day by day.
My XWBF was the same, only admitted to things I had found. And then i would find a hell of a lot more...
He swore he never met anyone physically (and that could be true - the person he described himself as in the hundreds of emails to the other women does not exactly reflect on what he is like real life) but, I am going to get tested this week anyway. Liars lie. That's what they do.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Sending you strength and hugs.
he said he will do whatever I want
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
He started acting out 18 years ago and while I knew something wasn't right, I had no idea of the secret life he was living. I accepted every explanation he gave me even when it didn't seem to add up because I knew he would NEVER lie to me. The man I married wouldn't have but, the man he had become did, repeatedly.
I don't know your situation but, if at the end of the day it is determined that he is an addict, hold on. There is more. A lot more. And, it doesn't just go away. He will need a lot of therapy and be determined to work the steps of recovery. It's hard work for everyone involved and I'm so very sorry you find yourself in the position of having to deal with it.
[This message edited by outtanowhere at 5:23 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]
2003 'phone sex lines/chat
2005/06 online chat rooms/web cams
again in 2007 - caught him chatting with a young woman, I returned from college (unexpectedly), caught him red-handed.
and finally,2011, A started on fb. This time it'd gone beyond cyber sex/flirting/chatting. Full blown E and PA.
each time he promised never to do it again, nor anything else similar ever again. Each time he did it again, or worse next time. And these are the ones I know of. There will most probably be more.
And he wonders why, and complains at how I don't believe him this time.
ETA he actively pursued fOW, I had access to some of his fb conversations -he asked her to meet up with him etc etc, he was very forward at coming forward. No doubt that she was v.amenable tho.
imo, all it takes is for two (like minded) people to 'meet up' quite at random, for the whole A sitch to blossom. In fWH's case it was merely a matter of time until he came across a potential OW who was prepared to take it beyond 'chatting'.
needless to say they were so right for one another, peas in a pod.
[This message edited by englishrose at 6:57 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]
Don't give them the benefit of the doubt. My instincts were WRONG to trust him, I forced them to believe. Take off the sunglasses, look through a different pair of eyes.
Status: We're going to try IC one more time.