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Jesss posted 9/22/2013 19:15 PM

So, I caught my WS three weeks ago with two accounts on a dating site, (pof). He has admitted that he's been on there for about three years, he's not sure exactly what year. (I told him that I found an email from 2010).
He is tryin really hard lately to show me how sorry he is. He works out of town, so I haven't even see him since Dday #2. But he talks to me every night on the phone as late as I want, and then even sleeps on the phone some nights, lets us (the children and me) watch him all evening on FaceTime. He deleted the first keylogger I installed, but since then has installed another one on his computer.
So, so far he is being transparent.
But he still has not admitted to having physical sex with anyone. He says it was all online. The three accounts that I found all have profile pictures that are not him. One of them looks a bit similar, and this is the one he was on asking women if they wanna have sex and talking to women that live in the towns he was working at.
He told me it just "turned him on" to talk like that and know that someone would say yes to that, but he never talked to anyone that actually said yes to physical sex, and he says even if he did, he wouldn't have met them, it was thrilling to talk about meeting for a hook up.
So.... The only reason I don't know I should believe him about never having physical sex, is because everyone on this site has told me it's likely he has.
So my question is, does anyone have a WS that went on online dating sites, and it never did get physical? It is possible that he actually didn't meet up with anyone isn't it?

bunni972 posted 9/22/2013 20:38 PM

That was where mine found the two "women" he met more than once for sex. That was the only thing he used them for was sex. That was the only reason he was even on there. He had a subscription on that Ashley Hamilton site.

Morhurt posted 9/22/2013 23:53 PM

My H started out in chat rooms (does that count?) and "camming", had I caught him three years ago I could say that it didn't get physical.

Everyone's story is different. But it's a betrayal either way.

I'm sorry for your hurt.

Gr8Lady posted 9/23/2013 08:04 AM

Oh so been in your shoes. WS had a complete fantasy life on dating sites for a good part of 9 years.. He was looking for a Long time relationship leading to marriage. When I asked him what he planned on doing with me his present wife....he had the deer in the headlight expression.
He was reported to by one of his meets because he was married. (She did her homework)
The online dating world is a candy shop to those looking for outside activity
I'm just reading about people hooking up on Craigslist. I read some of those ads and couldn't believe it the ads and explicit nature. What the hell is wrong with people? Just sayin omg

Heartbroken2013 posted 9/23/2013 11:18 AM

My WS started off in chatrooms, got as far as yahoo messenger and webcam ... then I caught him!!!

Don't know how much further it would have gone, but seeing as he was born with a condition that makes it impossible to have penetrative sex with anyone, I guess I can say, it wouldn't have gone any further! But he still cheated on me ... sorry your going thru this - my WS said it would never have gone any further, that it was fun, he was bored, the girls were sluts ... he used them, they used him etc ... take lap top away from him, I took his away (threw it at the wall) he doesn't go online no more!

Job done!!

DCP21 posted 9/23/2013 12:32 PM

Jesss, my story is VERY similar to yours. In fact, confrontation was just last night, so it's very raw right now. Actually, WH brought the subject up first and confessed as he had figured out I had been on his email and realized that I knew he had been to online cheating sites. It was finally a relief to get it all in the open. Not only did he admit to the financial infidelity, but to all the cheating websites he had profiles on. He admitted to everything (after a little trickle truth), but emphatically denied over and over that, although he had done everything else, he wanted me to know that the one thing he had never done was to ever actually have met or done anything physical with anyone. He said he just put profiles up as a thrill. Oddly enough, I do actually believe him. I know most people wouldn't, but as we all know, every situation is different. Even though it doesn't feel like it now, you are probably the one person that knows your husband best, and are the best one to judge if he's telling the truth. I hope for your sake he is, although the mental cheating hurts just as bad. Keep your head up and stay strong. If you need to talk, please know you can message me.

1Faith posted 9/23/2013 12:53 PM



Anything is possible. Right now, just follow your instinct.

Trust has to regained either way.

IC or MC in the cards to figure out why he sought these websites out vs. being turned on by his wife?

Good luck.

kickboxer posted 9/23/2013 13:34 PM

I'm so sorry, Jesss.

My husband had profiles on at least 2 of those sites. I'm not sure for how long. I suspect it was at least 2-3 years, possibly longer.

Looking back, I feel like I had found proof, but ignored it...until I couldn't ignore it any longer.

My WH claims to have only met for a sexual encounter ONCE.

For me, it's bittersweet --

Once? Really? Not sure how to believe that, but ONCE is all he claims there was. Just once. We can heal from "just once". There is hope in "just once". It was "just sex just once".

On the other hand...

Just once? After all that time? All that perusing? All the risks taken to his marriage and family by consenting to the trap of betrayal? Just what made HER so special? After all the profiles and message exchanges and being on the hunt for all that time -- what made him choose HER? Did he fall in love with her? Does he miss her? There must have been something special...because it only took "just once" for him to risk it all for her.

Follow your gut, hasn't lied to you yet.

Jesss posted 9/24/2013 11:11 AM

Thanks so much for the replies.

You're right kickboxer, I know what you mean by "just once" being bittersweet.

Even if my WH never did have physical sex, this is still a huge betrayal. I don't know how to even begin to properly heal. I felt like I was feeling better last week, now for no reason I feel like I just found out all over again.
I feel like it would help if he told me he did have physical sex, so far everything that he has admitted to is stuff that I found myself.

And I do believe he is sorry, and he will not do it again, well he is serious about trying not to, I think he is a sex addict. But before I begin to heal with him, I feel like I need to know everything, and I don't feel like I do. He insists that I know everything, but I can't believe him, I'm soooo scared to believe him.

He is not going to admit to anything else. While I am talking to him, he feels almost like my husband I knew before I found all this out, and I find myself believing him. But as soon as I am off the phone with him, or have time to think, I start doubting him again. He has been gas lighting me for years. So I know he is very very good at making me believe him.

He is willing to go to therapy, I even found a CSAT I our town, and Sex addicts annonymous group, he said he will do whatever I want.

I'm afraid that even if he gets help and truly does stop all this, I am going to wonder the rest of my life if he ever did meet anyone...

Jesss posted 10/6/2013 10:09 AM

So a few days ago, I told my WH I called another number that I'd found in his work phone and a girl answered and said she met him online and she didn't know he was married. I made that up, to see what he'd say, I've been doing that a lot to test him... Help me see if there's more he is not telling me.

To my surprise, he said he only talked to her once! Then I asked him how many girls he's spoke with on the phone, (before this he said it was only one girl he talked on the phone to once). He said he talked to 3 women on the phone and texted a whole bunch that never really replied - so nothing came out if it.

This was after I repeatedly begged him to tell me EVERYTHING. And he kept saying I knew everything. Now he says the phone and text conversations meant nothing and he forgot about them and didn't know he was lying!

So now, I'm pretty positive he has had sex. He has no problem living with more secrets as he pretends to be remorseful.

I told him I'm done now. I miss him sooo much already, and it's taking all of my strength not to text or call him, ( he works out of town so I won't see him until Thursday).
I'm going to read about the 180 on this site and try hard to do it.

NoAnswers37 posted 10/6/2013 10:18 AM

Honey, get yourself tested just in case.

Well done on reading the 180, and just take it day by day.

My XWBF was the same, only admitted to things I had found. And then i would find a hell of a lot more...
He swore he never met anyone physically (and that could be true - the person he described himself as in the hundreds of emails to the other women does not exactly reflect on what he is like real life) but, I am going to get tested this week anyway. Liars lie. That's what they do.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Sending you strength and hugs.

Jesss posted 10/6/2013 10:46 AM

Thanks. I did finally make an appt to get tested... :(

gonnabe2016 posted 10/6/2013 15:04 PM

he said he will do whatever I want

.....ask him to take a poly......

outtanowhere posted 10/6/2013 17:21 PM

This is the way I busted my SAWH. Hooking up with girls from Craigslist & Backpage. When I found the emails he only confessed to what evidence I had in my hand. One girl, twice. Fast forward two months. 3 girls for blow/handjob, 5-6 (fuzzy memory) lingerie models he hired to masturbate to then 6 girls for all on sex. He is an addict.

He started acting out 18 years ago and while I knew something wasn't right, I had no idea of the secret life he was living. I accepted every explanation he gave me even when it didn't seem to add up because I knew he would NEVER lie to me. The man I married wouldn't have but, the man he had become did, repeatedly.

I don't know your situation but, if at the end of the day it is determined that he is an addict, hold on. There is more. A lot more. And, it doesn't just go away. He will need a lot of therapy and be determined to work the steps of recovery. It's hard work for everyone involved and I'm so very sorry you find yourself in the position of having to deal with it.

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 5:23 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]

englishrose posted 10/6/2013 18:46 PM

yes, caught mine several times:

2003 'phone sex lines/chat

2005/06 online chat rooms/web cams

again in 2007 - caught him chatting with a young woman, I returned from college (unexpectedly), caught him red-handed.

and finally,2011, A started on fb. This time it'd gone beyond cyber sex/flirting/chatting. Full blown E and PA.

each time he promised never to do it again, nor anything else similar ever again. Each time he did it again, or worse next time. And these are the ones I know of. There will most probably be more.

And he wonders why, and complains at how I don't believe him this time.

ETA he actively pursued fOW, I had access to some of his fb conversations -he asked her to meet up with him etc etc, he was very forward at coming forward. No doubt that she was v.amenable tho.

imo, all it takes is for two (like minded) people to 'meet up' quite at random, for the whole A sitch to blossom. In fWH's case it was merely a matter of time until he came across a potential OW who was prepared to take it beyond 'chatting'.

needless to say they were so right for one another, peas in a pod.


[This message edited by englishrose at 6:57 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]

cluless posted 10/6/2013 19:00 PM

My experience if their lips are moving, their lying. Mine met on FB and was humping within a couple of months. Oh I bought his EA BS because I just knew he couldn't do the PA. I WAS IN DENIAL. WS are really GOOD liars, mine would have given his right arm NOT to have gotten caught. Even being blackmailed for a year.

Don't give them the benefit of the doubt. My instincts were WRONG to trust him, I forced them to believe. Take off the sunglasses, look through a different pair of eyes.

Good luck!

mellie99 posted 10/6/2013 19:24 PM

My husband was also on websites such as Ashley Madison and was known to pay for sex web cams; he was never very discrete about it. Don't think he ever actually tried to meet up with anyone (one thing about him that worked in my favor was the fact he was lazy about trying to 'woo' women), but I did catch him placing an ad on Craigslist once. That is the only time I think had I not caught him before he had the chance to do anything that he may have actually gone through with it. Every ONS he confessed to me involved him meeting someone in a bar that did all the work; all he had to do was follow them home/to their room. So yes, while it is probably unlikely, I don't think it's impossible...but he shouldn't get a pass just because his attempts at betrayal didn't come to fruition.

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