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What would make a single OW pursue a married man?

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mchercheur posted 9/22/2013 19:44 PM

Just read Lucy17's post in R forum entitled "De-personifying the AP"---did not want to tangent on her thread so am starting a new one.
At the risk of receiving 2 X 4 's about giving the AP too much headspace, I still am trying to figure out what OW could have been thinking.
What would make a single OW pursue a married man?
Have not, & will never, have any contact with her. We all know she would not tell the truth anyway.
I have learned a lot from reading the Wayward forum. It is commonly said that the AP could have been anyone----& was just another broken person that was there at the right moment when broken WH was receptive.
In our case, OW knew WH was married, & I do believe that she pursued WH ( have had proof from reliable sources). Believe me, I realize that WH could have said no.
What made her think she was entitled to come into our lives & try to destroy our family? Does a person who would do this feel any guilt? WH said that when he told OW that I knew & that it was over, she started to cry. Was she crying because it was over or out of guilt/shame?
I am guessing that to a person like this, it is all a game & that they could not care less how much pain their actions cause to another woman & kids.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 9/22/2013 19:46 PM

Most likely, she cried because you "won", in her eyes.

mchercheur posted 9/22/2013 19:51 PM

I didn't even know I was in a competition.
Isn't it something that I won even tho I was portrayed to her in such a bad light (as being so angry all the time).

Allgoodnamesgone posted 9/22/2013 19:52 PM

My X had a 1 1/2 year affair with a single woman he worked with. This woman is very attractive, very sexy, has a good job & lots of friends.

Why she would put up with getting banged in a car before work & maybe going out on a date with my X 1/x mo at best, for over 1 1/2 years is beyond me.

And she loved my X.

And she was young - only 31 at the time & my X was 43 at the time!

Against all advise to the contrary, I did call the OW - when I was calm enough. While it was mostly self-serving bullshit & I just let her talk - she revealed that her husband had cheated on her many years ago and she "understood", etc.

What I came up with is that the OW just doesnt care about anyone other than herself. She's not thinking about the married man's family. And, I would imagine, she has self-esteem or other issues that she is willing to put up with the crumbs being thrown her.

Broken, broken people.

ETA: I forgot that she had told my X many times that she wasnt going to be able to do this forever & he said he understood, she's young & should be with someone else. They even joked about it at times - like "hey, why dont you go home with that guy tonight".
So, I think she wanted the relationship.

When my X and I separated 1 1/2 years after their affair ended, they got back together, but other than banging her in his apt rather than his car - he still didnt give her much of his time or (obviously) his respect.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 8:07 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

SeeThingsNow1 posted 9/22/2013 19:52 PM

the OW in our sitch was married but was talking with H and my question was - why not go after a single guy ( she is married also ) instead of a man who has a woman. How does she , as a woman, do that to another woman? So I dont know what the deal is, why single goes after married when there are so many free and easy guys out there that dont care about relationship status- or why married OW dont just go after single guys and just eff up their own spouse instead of theirs and someone elses....there are some messed up folks out there.

mixedintherut posted 9/22/2013 19:57 PM

People are twisted, and I do believe that some view it as a game.

WH OW1, knew he had a family. She had been in our home a month before, screwing my youngest brother.

She never lead on to feeling any kind of guilt. In fact she did things to purposely spite me.

I am not 100% sure if OW2 knows that WH is married or not, I have reason to doubt it. However, she has been contacted and given information, but apparently choosing to ignore it.

The lack of morals in the world is disgusting!

wannabenormal posted 9/22/2013 20:02 PM

I think for some - married means fun, but no real attachment. They get to be courted and have fun, but don't have any of the responsibilities of a relationship.

For some, it is the thrill of the chase. The conquest - let me see if I can 'win'.

I guess for some it's not anything they 'meant' to do - the old 'we can't help who we fall in love with' b.s.

I don't know if they feel guilt; when I read stuff early on after D-day, I got the impression a lot of single OP's felt like they weren't doing anything wrong; THEY didn't take the vow. Almost a real nonchalant opinion, well *I* am not the married one, maybe if the BH or BW was 'doing their job at home' I wouldn't be here. So - no, no real guilt at all.

I really don't understand it because it's not in me to be that way.

None of it ever really makes sense; you can't look at your situation and say, "Oh, this X + Y totally = Z (affair)"

miadianna posted 9/22/2013 20:02 PM

Every OW my XH has been involved with has been single or divorced. They did not care how much damage they were causing to our family because they never met us or knew us. The one he is living with now gave him an ultimatum. She said "leave your wife and kids or I won't take your phone calls anymore." So he messaged her and said "What would you say if I told you I am looking for apartments?" and she said "Show me the key and you can call me again." So he left his wife of 25 years and two children and now lives with her and her two kids in a huge house he bought in her town. Loser and coward.

gonnabe2016 posted 9/22/2013 20:07 PM

Does a person who would do this feel any guilt?


Stbx told me that he met one of his OW's after literally bumping into her in the elevator as they were both going down for dinner. They ended up having dinner together.....and from what I've put together from his recounting, she *came on* to him (even though I'm sure that his *available* sign was lit up), he said "I'm married".....and (he said her response was) "does it matter that I don't care if you're married?" (apparently it didn't since he fucked her.....and no, he never got to the point in the story where he told me how he answered her question).

I think that a lot of the entitlement that OP's feel is due to the bullshit that the WS is feeding them. Another of stbx's OW's was told by him that he was certain that she was *the one* -- and then she totally freaked when the A blew up and she got tossed aside like yesterday's garbage.

I think that some OP's have the mindset that *they* weren't the ones that took the vows with the spouse and if the WS wants to *step out* on their marriage that it has nothing to do with the OP's willingness to *be* there --> which again goes back to the bullshit stories that the WS is telling........

Lionne posted 9/22/2013 20:12 PM

In the case of the OWs involved in my marriage the answer was simple. OW#1 saw an open wallet. She expressed as much on the net after the fact in the form of a tweeted question "when a married man gives you money is it always about the sex?"
OW#2 also saw his bank account, figuratively. He had a nice house, car, career. She is a menial laborer, nothing wrong with that unless your path to upward mobility is on your back.
The rest are strippers. He tight they were friends and sincerely interested in his opinions on things. He was a big tipper.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 9/22/2013 20:13 PM

Our Ow was single. I think it was all a game for her. My H told her that he was married to an awesome, beautiful woman who was his best friend. If she could "take" that from me (and from HIM), then that would make her far more special. See? SHE was the one who started with the comments, "I would NEVER do that", etc. when I would come up. And, yes, I was fairly pissed during my H's A because he was treating me like crap and I had no idea why.

When I first found out, he tried to tell me it was EA only. She said I was over-reacting and he reminded her that they DID have an A and she said, "Yes, but she doesn't KNOW that."

I know it's tough to not spend too much time thinking about her, but know that you'd have to BECOME her to truly understand. You don't want to be like that, right??

Hugs to you.

Karmita posted 9/22/2013 20:14 PM

A single woman has many other single women to compete with for an attractive and successful single man.

It's easier to compete with an unknowing betrayed spouse.

My soon to be ex got involved with a single colleague from work. She's average, nothing special and married men don't have a large pool of quality women to choose from. A quality woman won't go near a married man because she's got better options than that.

Desperate woman and married man are a match made in heaven.

SisterMilkshake posted 9/22/2013 20:20 PM

Spot on, Karmita.

cuppacoffee posted 9/22/2013 20:27 PM

In our case, the OW felt like she was helping the husband and well a married man (with 6 kids!!!) wasn't going to risk having people find out. If she cheated with a single guy people would know she cheated on her boyfriend.


sailorgirl posted 9/22/2013 20:31 PM

they could not care less how much pain their actions cause to another woman & kids.

In our case, OW's pain is always paramount. Her emotions just drown out everyone else. Her fiancé left her and she could not bear to be alone. She really felt that she desperately needed a "boyfriend" to stop the pain. She focussed on a married man because:

1. She knew that if she could get him to do something compromising, she could then blackmail him to stay in the relationship. She has a huge fear of abandonment, so she uses sex to try to hold on to a man. But that alone was not working for her, so I think she sought out a married guy because she sensed that she could control him through fear of the A being revealed.

2. She is incapable of true intimacy or a real relationship--those things frighten and confuse her. A married man is less likely to want that. It's like one tenth of a relationship which was perfect because OW could create the other nine tenths in her head to be "beyond beyond amazing".

3. OW is immature, and she enjoyed the secret accounts, code names, and pulling one over on their coworkers. It made her feel like she and fWH had this extra special "bond". She thought a dirty secret was an actual way to connect deeply with another human being. It may be a bond, but it's a lot more like shackles than love.

What made her think she was entitled to come into our lives & try to destroy our family?

She was alone and hurting and she needed fWH much more than we did. She wasn't trying to destroy our family, obviously our marriage was already over if fWH would sleep with her. As for the kids, she was abandoned as a kid and her pain is so enormous that our kids just plain don't register.

Was she crying because it was over or out of guilt/shame?

OW cried a lot. Before the A, during the A, at work, on the phone, after sex. It was a great manipulation technique because fWH can not stand for "helpless" women to cry. (When I cry, he reacts normally, because I'm strong and capable.) OW learned that next to threatening to tell about the A, crying was the most effective control tool she had. Maybe your WH's OW cried to get him to stay. Or because she was sad for herself.

fWH's OW couldn't even have cared less about WH's emotions. At the end, he wanted out of the A so bad he was suicidal, but she would not "let" him go. Of course, fWH gave her that power. And she fought tooth and nail to keep it, without any regard for anyone but herself.

It's pitiful, really. I don't think she did it because she had such a high opinion of herself but because she valued herself so little. Not a Narcissist, but definitely some Borderline Personality Disorder traits.

naivewife posted 9/22/2013 21:03 PM

Ummmm... Sailorgirl, you just summed up the OW perfectly, right down to her fiance left her and all. Hmmm, makes me wonder!
Anyway, OW came into our home as a medical professional. WH was going through a mental health crisis and I had just had our second son 5 weeks earlier. There we were, 2 year old, newborn, overwhelmed new mom, husband going through mental health crisis. We welcomed her with open arms, relieved to have someone to help us, someone who cared. She held our newborn, my 2 year old brought her books to read. I cooked meals for her at a time when I wasn't even on my feet much cooking for my family. Within weeks she was fucking WH and would brag afterwards to him "I feel no guilt whatsoever!" A few weeks later she was trying to get an appointment for WH to see a divorce lawyer and telling him how she wanted him to walk out on us. I don't know what the fuck makes these women tick. Have a hard time believing they're not just plain evil.

[This message edited by naivewife at 9:06 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

emotionalgirl posted 9/22/2013 21:14 PM

I was once out with WH when i was visiting him in the city he was working in and when I returned to our table a woman was hitting on him. I was coming up behind him and heard him say no thanks I'm married. She persisted I made my presense known and asked her why she would want a married man as she was young and attractive. Her response...all the better, he has a job because he is here working, he's goota be clean with no diseases and he must be a decent guy if he's married. I told her what she was doing was despicable. She just shrugged and said don't judge, there aren't many good guys out there and walked away. We were both stunned!

mchercheur posted 9/22/2013 21:53 PM

For some, it is the thrill of the chase. The conquest - let me see if I can 'win'.

My gut tells me this ^^^is it.

It's easier to compete with an unknowing betrayed spouse.

Of course, when someone takes a vow to be faithful to you, forsaking all others, you think you don't have to worry about this, even when you are going thru rocky times in the marriage, that you will ride it out together as a team

married men don't have a large pool of quality women to choose from. A quality woman won't go near a married man because she's got better options than that.

Desperate woman and married man are a match made in heaven.

The perfect storm

gonnabe2016 posted 9/22/2013 22:14 PM

The assumption by an OP that a married person, who is willing to cheat on their spouse, is *clean* and disease-free, is just ludicrous to me.
Oh, but wait....I forgot. The AP is *so* special that *s/he* is the ONLY person that the married spouse would ever cheat with.....

damncutekitty posted 9/22/2013 22:19 PM

It depends on the OW. My XH cheated with a serial predator who gets off on breaking up relationships. It feeds her ego to get men to choose her over their wives/girlfriends.

But I don't think it's always like that.

Some single women date married men to avoid commitment. Some date married men because they at least know a married guy is capable of comitting. Some just think that the A makes them special. Some are bored. Some get caught up the drama.

There really are lots of reasons.

[This message edited by damncutekitty at 10:20 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

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