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Is it over?

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Naivete123 posted 9/22/2013 19:50 PM

Or my other posts we have been to 3 MC sessions. This morning the anxiety hit again and I wanted to TT the WH before he left for overnight business trip. After I talked I asked him what did he think. He said honestly he thinks its too late for me to change(lack of motivation is my issue). I asked if he still wanted to try with MC he said IC strongly recommended we continue with MC, even if there is only a sliver of hope. That even following this route will at least help us deal with the dynamics of possible future relationship.

Note: WH's IC is also our MC. He is taking us through Harville Hendrix imago therapy and the book "Getting the love you want". Basically because he sees a lot of past childhood issues in both of us.

I am really really sad. I want to be hopeful the slive of a chance becomes better. But I know WH is right about it being to late for me to change. I want to do what is best for me. I wish I can experience the changes I need to make in my life for me with him.

So we are still doing MC. After today's convo I see our marriage ending at a 90% chance.

So any info on what I need to do in divorce case scenario.

I am unemployed, out of the workforce for 10 yrs. no current viable skills. Currently living overseas. I have NO idea what career path to take.

Naivete123 posted 9/22/2013 19:52 PM

am really really sad. I want to be hopeful the slive of a chance becomes better. But I know WH is right about it being to late for me to change. I want to do what is best for me. I wish I can experience the changes I need to make in my life for me with him.

I mean by this, I know I can change. But it has to be for me. But WH feels it is too late for him.

Gr8Panoz posted 9/22/2013 21:42 PM

I'll skip my story for the time being, but for what it's worth, she refused MC (she's the WS) so I am just starting the process myself. Not that it makes things any easier but it will hopefully help to have seen it coming and that's more of a start than I had.

Where is your family? Mine have been a godsend. There is no way I could have gotten this far without them. Are there any children involved? That complicates things greatly. Start taking stock of your assets and debts. Monitor your finances to protect yourself from financial difficulties.

These are all basic things and who knows, you may not need them. I guess my advice would be to focus on the healing and changes you'd like to make. Not for him but for you. The 180 as I hear it generally drives the WS nuts.

Even if you don't feel it ( I certainly don't) show him that you can survive without him.

I do agree on the continuation of MC. I see a very stressed and disagreeable future with my STBXW as we will be negotiating custody issues. Hopefully if there is a seperation it will be more amicable.

Also check back often. I'm farily new to the forum but others have far more experience than I and will have more and better advice.

One foot in front of the other.

Naivete123 posted 9/23/2013 00:50 AM

I am trying not to panick mode. I had IC today. She wants me to focus on the here and now and work on what I can change in small steps.

Yes me have a 9.5 yr old son and 6.5 yr old daughter.

I am unemployed and unskilled. So this is scaring the S**T out of me financially speaking. WH has said he will take care of us. I know he will definitely provide for the children, but eventually I will have to get my own income and insurance. More than likely there will be joint custody with me as the primary care giver.

And yes, you are right all the changes I need to make have to be made for me. I wish I would have sought help years ago, and maybe I would be in a better place personally. So now I have to focus fixing me, finding a career path, and trying to keep my marriage but face the reality of not getting it in the end. So I have to hang on the fact that I will be ok.

Naivete123 posted 9/23/2013 05:24 AM

Since I have no family living...other than extended relatives scattered all over. My support network is nil. Have one fried I confided in, but I am here in china and she is there in US- FaceTime is hard to coordinate. Anyways I sent her and another friend an email re: possibility of divorce. Just telling them felt like taking some of the weight off.

It's hard because WH has always been my best friend. So the whole 180 is very hard for me to do. Another thing I will miss is our friendship.

Naivete123 posted 9/24/2013 22:03 PM

So WH left for business trip on Mon morning, and was suppose to be back last night. But his meetings went late and he decided to stay later and come back this morning. WH is also currently seeking another job so he also so had intl. phone interviews every evening this week. I kind of thought it was good for me he stayed away another night. Being around him all I want to do is cry and beg and plead and just hold on. So this has helped to reign in those compulsions and be more aware of 180.

I had to reign in my negative thoughts, WH decided to go straight to work from train station instead of coming home, and he will be late home again because of the interview. I really had to focus on that this really had nothing to do with me.
I decided to come to SI to get my thoughts and feeling out . Surprise! it has helped a lot.

SBB posted 9/24/2013 22:57 PM

One day you will look back on this time and wonder why the fuck you fought so hard him and not at all for you.

Hope is a devil of a thing - I was tortured by it myself and it made this all far more painful than it needed to be. The death of hope was as necessary as it was agonising.

It sounds to me like WH has made his decision. Now it's time for you to make yours - hold on and stay in this limbo hell or let go, accept it and start focussing on YOU and YOUR future.

He is gone, friend. Wishing him back won't work, fighting hard to get him back won't work, Rugsweeping, bending over backwards, ignoring the flaming red flags, Gaslighting yourself - none of it works. Believe me - I tried. A lot of us do.

He has made a choice. He probably made it well before DD, well before you even noticed anything. They have a head start on us in the beginning but there is a catch for them. With IC and doing the work to face our demons we can grow and heal from this whilst they keep running and stay broken.

Please read the Healing Library - especially about NC and 180.

I never imagined I would one day see his complete lack of remorse as a gift - but I certainly do now.

Even though it is so common it still burns me to read of Unremorseful Waywards laying the blame on the BS. You talk about changes you need to make - that is true of most of us. Ironically in most cases the changes we need to make would mean we would no longer so desperately want R with these parasites. We would demand more for and of ourselves.

I suggest you read the book 'Journey from Abandonment to Healing' and also a gray post by Uncertainone in the Wayward Forum 'What if it is... Rejection?'.

Start fighting for you - start focussing on you. You have no control over what he does but you do control you.

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