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User Topic: Five years of lies...
♀ 40753
Member # 40753
Sad  Posted: 9:04 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new here, please forgive me if I don't get some of the lingo right now.

I found out on August 9 this year that my husband had a month long affair with a girl from work. I just had a baby (my fourth and our 2nd together) and went back to work so I was feeling a bit self conscious due to baby weight and exhaustion, I also carried really low and pushed for along time which caused a bladder prolapse which I was extremely self conscious about. We were having some issues that I thought we were trying to work out. He suggested a "break", he stayed at his aunts on my days off but still came over the other five days of the week. He pretty much just stayed at his aunts while I was off but occasionally came over for supper on my days off. I found out that after two days of break he slept with her the first time. I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that the reason he asked for a break was to sleep with her, even though it was supposed to be a break that we were still together and weren't seeing other people etc and he said it wasn't like that, the break just escalated the emotional affair into a physical affair. He was talking on the phone with her for a week or two before they actually slept together, so he had an emotional affair before an actual sexual affair. I came home from work and during my usual routine of switching phones on the charger I saw messages that he forgot to delete. That was the night that my life came to a screeching halt. I was devastated to say the very least. I have stood by this man through thick and thin, through job layoffs, seizures (he has a disorder), two babies births, three deaths in his family etc. I have always been there for him and this is how he repays me? He didn't deny it, he admitted everything, every word out of his mouth makes me want to vomit. He seems very remorseful but I still cant shake the hatred I feel for him. She is 22 (I'm 31) and has been divorced and has two kids back to back by two different guys....that doesn't scream whore? She drove to our town (45 mins away) and rented a cheap nasty roach motel room and slept with my husband. She is engaged to a man who is gone with work all the time. Even though it was only on three occasions and its over that doesn't mean I'm okay with it. He shared sexual things with her that I was sure were just between us from the time we got together five years and 3 months ago. I cant stop seeing the looks he makes on his face, the things he says, the way he moves, feels, sounds and does things in bed but with her and it makes me so sick to my stomach. I cant believe that he would ever hurt me this way, I don't know if I want to stay or go. He keeps asking me if I can ever get over it and forgive him. Some days I think I can then others I just know I cant, sometimes I go through all those feeling several times a day. I have loved this man with everything I have from the very depths of my soul and he was so selfish that he felt it was appropriate to sleep with another woman? I just don't know how to deal with this kind of hurt and betrayal. I don't know how to explain the feelings, its like I'm wrestling with a huge powerful ball of emotions and I keep getting rolled over just as I feel I'm in some kind of control. I want to know every detail. I feel like I was not good enough or pretty enough for him. When he tells me he loves me all I want to do is punch him in the mouth. When he touches me I think that hes only touching me bc hes thinking of her. I'm worried constantly that shes in his head and he wishes I was her, that he may be grieving over the loss of her. That hes always thinking of her or picturing her while hes with me etc. I hate these feelings and I hate feeling that most of the time I really reject him for this. I don't know how to survive this. I thought we were solid, I thought I meant something to him, I thought we had something unbreakable and special. I guess I was wrong. Does it ever get better? I dislike the way my marriage has changed and some days I think it might be easier to just end it and start over with someone else. Bc surely someone else would treat me better, and live up to their promises. I feel like the last five years are lies. I keep hearing him telling me "Baby, I would never hurt you, never cheat on you, always treat you right, you're my everything, my princess (which he called her as well....effing bastard)" etc....he was lying to me the whole time whether he knew it or not. I hate everything about him, I hate his mouth bc I know it was used on another woman, I hate when he tries to hold me bc I know he held another woman, I hate how he tries to touch me bc I know he touched her, I hate the sight of him naked bc I know another woman saw him that way, I hate looking at him bc it makes me hate him even more. But even though I feel so much hatred I know I love him and I hate myself for loving him even after he did this. How long does it take? I know Ill never forget and I may not ever forgive either....

Me: BW 31
Him: WH 30
OW: 22yo whore who is still planning her wedding
Married 3yrs, together 5
4 kids, all boys 14, 11, 4 and 8mos...I hope like hell they don't hurt someone the way he hurt their mama
Dday: August 9, 2013
S, until his head

Posts: 206 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
♀ 40753
Member # 40753
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I forgot to mention that he says it had nothing to do with her age, the way she looks (even though shes 22 she isn't the typical 22 you would think, shes a bit thick) etc. Just that she made him feel like he was special and that he mattered, he liked the attention she gave him bc we weren't always able to spend a lot of time together due to work schedules. But I feel that's crap bc I always tried to do nice things and let him know he was always on my mind together or not. Really the only excuse I accept is that hes a selfish, disgusting pig who should forever be treated as such from now on.

Me: BW 31
Him: WH 30
OW: 22yo whore who is still planning her wedding
Married 3yrs, together 5
4 kids, all boys 14, 11, 4 and 8mos...I hope like hell they don't hurt someone the way he hurt their mama
Dday: August 9, 2013
S, until his head

Posts: 206 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
♀ 40330
Member # 40330
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you are here, but you will get lots of support.

The emotions you are going through are all normal and most refer to it as the "roller coaster".

Our DDay is fairly close, and I 100% understand everything you are going through. The anger, the confusion. Trying to make sense of it all, but none of it makes any sense.

It will get easier with time. I know this based on my first experience. However, the amount of time is different for everyone. Most people on the board suggest not making any big decisions for at least 6 months since it is all so fresh.

Some people are able to work through it, some people attempt to work through it and realize that the A was a deal breaker, and some people just know from day 1 that there's no more chances.

The roller coaster sucks, post here often! If you look to the upper left hand side you will see The Healing Library, there is a lot of information to read. You are Considered the "BS" or betrayed spouse.

DD 1: PA 12/4/09 He spent 2.5 years with OW1
R: 8/31/2012
DD 2: EA 8/16/13
BS: 26
WH: 25
1 young daughter.
Terribly disgusted. He refuses to give up his "friend". Headed towards D.

Posts: 138 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: kentucky
♂ 40754
Member # 40754
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe I am not the best person to answer right now as I am in a newly discovered pain as well. I get some of the same things from my WS. It wasn't me, it didn't mean anything, can't we just get over it and move on. Our relationships as we knew them are dead. If you decide to stay and I know just houw hard that is with the kids becuase it is something I am more than struggling with myself. Everything MUST change. Don't rush to wonder when will it feel better, because I don't think it will ever feel better, it may become less intense, but it will forever be there as a direct reflection of the choice they made to crap all over our marriages, families, and us.

Sorry I don't have any answers i just wanted to know you were not alone in this. That there is someone listening.

As with all posts here. First take care of yourself and your children, take time to think and don't feel that you owe anything to your WS.

Good Luck and God Speed yu in your recovery.


[This message edited by Crazyman642 at 9:42 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

DDay #1: August 12, 2013
Two Beautiful Children 12, and 4
Married 12 years
Not sure where I am or what I am going to do.

Posts: 46 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: VA
♀ 40115
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you've found yourself here. Welcome to the roller coaster no one wants to ride. You've just suffered a severe emotional trauma, and from the one person you were supposed to be able to count on. At this point, it's all still very raw for you. Allow yourself time to come to grips with this. You do not need to decide anything now and your Wayward Spouse shouldn't pressure you for a commitment to stay at this point. You need time and space to deal with this. Just take it one day at a time.

The one thing I've noticed in common with all WSs, is that their Affair behavior is extremely selfish. They are usually in a fog of denial and fantasy when they choose to engage in this type of behavior. Some wake up and are remorseful, others stay in the fog for a while, or forever. You said that your WS is acting remorseful. I hope that means he is taking responsibility for his poor choices and realizes the pain he has caused.

Feel free to come here and vent, ask for advise, etc. I'm relatively new here, but some of the older members are wise in the ways of heartache. One thing we all understand is wrestling with that powerful ball of emotions and getting run over by it again and again.

One day
I'm gonna forget your name,
And one sweet day,
you're gonna drown in my lost pain. - "Sweet Sacrifice" by Evanescence

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Posts: 3391 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
♀ 40753
Member # 40753
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, September 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you all for the support and encouraging words. I hate the fact that we are all here suffering and dealing with the same things. i know its too soon to make any decisions, i wish i had a time machine and it could all be taken away but sadly that isnt the case.

i hate the fact that this happens to people, no one should have to deal with this. my children are the only solid foundations that i have right now. if it wasnt for them i would for sure have left but i have more important things to think about.

i do love him, but i dont know if that love will keep growing like it had been or if its forever stuck at a stand still. i just cant believe that my 'rock' would stoop so low and become so selfish. he says he doesnt know what he was thinking. the other day he said to me "baby, i didnt really think of what i would be losing if i lost you and now that ive got my head out of my ass i know and i dont know if i could stand it"....shouldve thought about that before a-hole!

Me: BW 31
Him: WH 30
OW: 22yo whore who is still planning her wedding
Married 3yrs, together 5
4 kids, all boys 14, 11, 4 and 8mos...I hope like hell they don't hurt someone the way he hurt their mama
Dday: August 9, 2013
S, until his head

Posts: 206 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
♀ 40212
Member # 40212
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sp sorry. "Hugs". My D-Day was 7/31. He has a three year affair...tried to back out of it and she stalked me intensively and I found out who she was by the Police !! Mine is a fatal attraction story. I struggle with him holding me... I don't believe a thing he says to me. I suffer with anger, crying...lost 15 pounds in 3 weeks. Even though he is doing everything right and we are in therapy and I feel his remorse, I can't get past my anger. I cry daily alone and my Dog, ( 8 month old Pit/Lab) consoles me. Just know you are not alone. We will all get through this in time. I am not sure if I will stay with him yet, but I do know that I will be ok in time. Remember that you will be ok.

Posts: 170 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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