I am a 41 year old BS, father of two beautiful kids. d-day was about six weeks ago when I found out my WS of 12 years had been enganging in a year long EA, that turn into contact via 25000 text messages over the span of five months. Which included photo's which lead to phone sex with the other. The realtionship ended before I found out, I found out about another much less impactful relationship, but it lead me to the truth. WS claims and cell phone records back up that she ended that relationship a while back and then the OP ended up dying of a massive heart attach this past July anyways. This may sound cold, but I am glad, it saves me some of the anger and the ability to hunt him down. Plus I wonder if this wasn't some form of justice??? We are already in MC and have started turning to the church, plus I am looking into us attending a Marraige Intensive as soon as money will allow. (Those things are cheap!!! )To make it some what worse we had a vacation that my family and my children had been looking forward to for two years set up. It was two weeks after D Day. Try being trapped in a cruise ship stateroom for a week right after finding out. Lets just say there was a little more drinking than normal. My WS didn't want any of my family, or my children to know so we went around pretending things were normal. Fo course, my mother knew something was up and asked. All I could say was that we were having problems and trying to work on things. I feel like I am lying to everyone, something that I do not do or tailorate in my real life.
That is one of the most difficult things to handle. Our kids are smart enough to know something is up, not to mention the sneaking off to MC. I want to tell them something, if WS had her way nothing would be said. And if, we say something, she doesnt want to say anything other than we are working on the marriage. Were the kids don't need details I do think it is fair for them to know that SHE did something wrong and hurt me and our marriage very badly. That it is not their fault and that we are TRYING to work this out.
She keeps falling back to that is all only part of the GAME, and that she never wanted to be with him. Which just makes me mad as hell. Was our life and marriage worth so little then, nothing more than a GAME.
She claims that it never became physical, (which to me, photos and phone sex are very physical) but as I travel a lot from work and the OP was only four hours away I don't 100% know. Any time they both could have drove two hours and hooked up. She has a pattern of lying and hiding things from me, so if it did indeed become physical she would never tell me. Again phone records seem to support her claim. Getting the truth has been a slow and painful process, as WS only gives up little pieces at a time even though I have told her to just hit me one time and lets get over with the bad news. She says because of shame and embarrassment she only gives the pieces. from my readings here if she truely want R, then she does not have the right to either of these, or the right not to come completely clean. I feel there is more to the entire GAME than she is telling me. Maybe more happened with more than one guy. She had several on line BF as part of the GAME.
Currently I am just venting, but I would like to hear or talk with other BS that have been impacted by this GAME. Did I mention I told her I didnt like the GAME many times over the past two years, then even directly confronted her, with no eveidence, just asking for honesty. I asked if here was anything going on and she lied directly to my face. I didn't want to be the over bearing none trusting husband so I let it go until I finally had enough and went to work collecting the evidence.
If anyone has comments or advice I would love to hear it.
Currently, thinking of R for my children, but sure how I will ever get thru this...
Crazy
Sorry, I'm in my phone now so can't link to 180. But only do the 180 if she still lying, minimizing or blameshifting otherwise you should focus on R.
[This message edited by nuance at 11:34 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]
Q: What is 180 and how does it work? Submitted by Making It A: 180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it) So here's the list: Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. No frequent phone calls. Don't point out "good points" in marriage. Don't follow her/him around the house. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS. Don't ask for reassurances. Don't buy or give gifts. Don't schedule dates together. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life! Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy! When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to! If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them! Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation! Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF! Don't be overly enthusiastic. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more! Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care! Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!" Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." (Poodlepapa) back to top
So here's the list:
Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. No frequent phone calls. Don't point out "good points" in marriage. Don't follow her/him around the house. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS. Don't ask for reassurances. Don't buy or give gifts. Don't schedule dates together. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life! Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy! When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to! If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them! Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation! Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF! Don't be overly enthusiastic. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more! Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care! Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!" Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." (Poodlepapa) back to top
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqXzCFvPBuk
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/20/life-20-second-life-documentary_n_864928.html
eta: Here's the original post: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=507322&HL=20150
[This message edited by mom of 2 at 9:38 AM, September 23rd (Monday)]
Update November 2013: It only took seven years but I finally turned a corner. :)
Of course, I was wrong. They met up when they could on weekends while I was watching the kids so she could ostensibly get a break, while I had the boys at the movies, while I had them at an easter egg hunt... etc.
Even if your wife never met him in person, sexting is a betrayal. It is real, not a game as she wants to minimize it as.
What she is doing is called Trickle Truth and is a common phenomenon. She has also very likely been gaslighting you in order to maintain contact with the OM before dday. If they were only 2 hours distant I find it highly unlikely that there was no physical contact, especially since, like my wife, it was not the first time she had done such a thing.
Hope for the best but prepare for the worst, sir.
The other comment I have is about the marriage counselling and depends on whether or not the kids should know. Well, surely that is an entirely personal decision that everyone must answer alone. But, in my case I did not want my kids to know. (my kids are 16 through 1) I just want them to respect their father. Their relationship with them is not the same as my relationship with him. In my personal opinion, I just want my daughters to think their father is a good person and has a high moral code etc which would hopefully translate to them finding a man of good standards themselves one day---I just wanted to mention this as to what her reasons may be for not telling the kids. Perhaps she wants or needs for her kids to not see her in that light? But obviously that is up to you guys and per individual case.
anyway--I would at the least insist that she stop playing that game. Get her passwords etc.
You are right--she did step way beyond the bounds. It is not just a game. This is a real life affair despite it appearing as only fantasy to her.
I hope things improve.
Plus, believe me, your kids know. They may not know what they know, but they know. Unfortunately, my 17-year-old found out (from something WH inadvertently did) that her daddy had had an affair. It required that she be told the bare minimum. My bff and I sat her down and had a conversation, and I was blown away by how much she'd already suspected. She'd seen him, while sitting next to him at church, texting a woman and including lots of smiley face icons (not his typical style); she'd memorized the woman's name; she'd noticed that he never gathered her and her siblings around him anymore and told them how much he loved me.
Believe me, they know. So let them off gently, while modeling appropriate behavior and coping skills at the same time. How could that be wrong?
Anyway, he said it was nothing, no reflection on me, he was bored, chat got out of hand etc ... but he did say it wasn't her first time to strip in front of camera (im just glad we didn't have a webcam so I know he didn't go on it, she didn't see him etc) there were no phone number exchanges ... it was just cybersex when they could get online. My WS even cybersexed her while in the same room as me when I was watching tv!!!!!
Anyway ... that was 10 mths ago and we are 'R' and are doing really well. My WS is very remorseful, and we too have not told anyone what happened (I have a close friend I told but that's it) no family know, I don't want to burden them with our problems etc... I know how u feel, u want other people to know it was HER and not you, I felt the same. Our eldest knew something was up, knew we went to MC too, but I said it was something we had to get through, that we were having problems. I didn't tell them it was HIM and not me. I didn't see the point in burdening the child with it (although she is 22 lol)
You will get through this, if you want to .... you have to want to do it for YOU and not just your children. I knew even when I found out that I didn't want my marriage to be over, but that didn't stop me making him think I was kicking him out, that it was over etc. Be angry, be bloody pissed off, but if you want it to work .... BE HONEST!!! Hoping you & your family all the best
Time to take yoiur WW's phone away.
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife "Regret is when you realize you broke your own heart. Remorse is when you realize you broke someone else's." - Blakesteele
I've never heard of this "game" before.
I'm horrified reading about it.
The real lives it must be tearing apart...........
I'm so sorry.
Crazyman, she has to go NC with Second Life and all other similar immersive environments as soon as possible. Sporadic contact, even seeing images taken in Second Life, will bring back the desire to go there. Was she a builder? Did she own land? Has she closed all her accounts? Many members have “alternates” they can use to go inworld in other personas. Players take a lot of screenshots and often save text sessions, look for those. Second Life is, if not addictive, certainly compulsive and breaking free in my opinion requires either professional support like IC or developing a repulsion to being there. I know a few people who have done it, and one marriage that was saved, but it wasn’t easy or smooth for anyone.
I am sorry that you have to go through this particular version of affair hell. I hope that your WS finds her way out and then is able to understand how she got so involved.
UM
I'm sorry you are going through this.
I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.
Fwh and I both are lucky to have open communication with our teenagers. They come to us often for advice and support and they both know that lying is not tolerated. So how could I made things up so they don't worry. Well I came up with a good answer.
Our son had just got this old body style ford lifted truck. He loved it but was constantly putting money into for repairs. I said that is what happens to older trucks. ( I wanted him to get something new and reliable)
So it got me to thinking and that is when I came up with what to tell the kids.
I said, Dad and I have been together for a very long time. People mature and grow at different paces. As in any relationship, even with friends you just don't walk away when things get hard. You work to improve the relationship. Like a vehicle that has gone many miles, it needs a tune up, it needs regular maintenance, and sometimes major repairs to make it run well and last.
I then told them dad and I are seeing someone that helps us communicate and we are getting a tune up....like a mechanic for a vehicle. Or a pediatrician for a baby, someone who specializes in something.
Our son, who is now 19 and we are teaching him to always respect women, was good with the answer.
Our daughter, who is 16, was intrigued and said she thought it was great.
So now, when fwh or I have IC appt or MC appts we say we are going to a tune up appt and they are good with that.
Truth is most important in our home!
Sorry, I don't know anything about a game
Fwh and I are both not gamers and never have been and our kids never did either. They would rather do outside activities. Guess we are blessed.
Healing myself is now my top priority.
