SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

And you all are usually 'it'.

My husband, I think, is going off the deep end! Well, maybe that is a bit too dramatic - maybe it is ME that is going off the deep end!

Many months ago, (7 years after his infidelity - and over 6 years of rugsweeping and 'forcing' him to talk about IT from time to time) I gave my husband the book "How To Help Your Partner Heal..." and he read a little bit here and a little bit there. I don't know if he has even finished it. We have never spoken of it.

During the past few months, I have noticed small - tiny - changes. If I mention anything at all even indirectly pertaining to his infidelity, he says "I'm sorry". He has grabbed my hand in church when I am visibly upset.

These are positive things, right? But there is another side to this. He is being really hateful to our kids. He has always been hard on them - most especially because they don't 'respect' him. I have heard this until I want to scream. I want so badly to say, "WHAT IS THERE TO RESPECT?". But I don't.

Last night our oldest asked for a ride to take our mower to a friend's house to mow their yard for money. (He is 20 and very unmotivated - lives with us and does very little but stay in the bed all day. Has several diagnisis: mood disorder, FAS, learning disabilities, etc. Has been in a year long adventure program away from home - has been arrested a couple of times for DUI, etc.)

So, once we get to the house last night, he changes his mind. The guy isn't home. Tells me on the way home that he doesn't want "his mommy" to wait for him while he mows a yard. (His brakes are out on his vehiclel.) We start a conversation about the direction of his life, etc. It is the most he has talked to me in YEARS.

We come home and before I can let my husband know that he is 'talking' about some stuff, my WH lets into him about how he should have kept in touch with the guy and known when he would be home - blah, blah, blah.

They end up in a big fuss and my opportunity to continue our conversation is gone.

My frustration - other than the obvious - is that I am living in a vacuum. My kids don't talk to me. I can't talk to my husband. I have so much going on in my life, and I feel so ALONE>

This morning, I told my husband that I hoped he could tell by now that I have had alll I can stand of the griping and mean attitude. On thing led to another, and he - of course - turned it around on me - saying, "unless it is you doing it!". (And, of course, I get upset at my kids sometimes, too.) But when my husband talks to them like that, it is if he can't stand any of us. He told me this morning that "They treat me like dirt!" I said, "And you, them." He, of course, left the room.

My son needs some psycological counseling - which he has had before, but refuses now. My husband needs help - BIG TIME. And I'm certain that it wouldn't hurt me one little bit either!!! But money is tight right now, with one kid in counseling every week, so I guess we will have to take turns.

Lately I have begun to wonder if, by reading that book some, he has begun to see himself more in light of what he did, and is feeling really negative about himself. If that is true, he is redirecting it towards us. He acts as if he can't stand any of us. (I also think that he is having a delayed reaction to his disability.)

Or, maybe he is just a very weak man who has started treating us like his father treated all of his family growing up. I guess either way it doesn't matter, it is really hurting the family.

It seems that right now in my life, every little thing that can go wrong - does. I try to be positive, but I can't do it alone. I need someone to help me - like a partner - someone who has my back and I have theirs - like a...oh wait, a husband. And I do have one of those - at least on paper!

I don't know what to do. I want to help all of them / us. I want to make a happier home.

And so I come here to vent.

Thanks, y'all, for always listening.

eta: I feel like emailing him and saying that he is hurting the family and that we really need to talk to someone. But he never returns my emails, and has refused to go before.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 8:17 AM, September 23rd (Monday)]

Well, I just sent this...

Feel free to send 2 x 4s...

Our family is in crisis. IN CRISIS. No matter what struggles you and I are having individually or as a couple, it is up to US to try to heal our family. It is up to US.

Something has to be done. And NOW. No matter what is your comfort zone or mine, we must get some help and save our family. Are you willing to try to save your family - your children???

We feel as though you can't stand us. We feel that you treat us like dirt, too. You say you feel the same. Everyone is hurting - everyone. We need help.

Do you know that the rate of repeating infidelity is about 75% when the person doesn't take big steps to change themself - otherwise the same things cause the same behaviors. That is one of the main reasons that I can't - as you say - "get over it". Because things haven't changed - maybe other than you saying you have stopped. The same things that you said caused your cheating behaviors haven't changed - not being close to me, can't talk about important issuses, not feeling respected, etc. There has been no big signs of remorse.

It is my job to try to take care of my children. AND support my husband. All of their lives, it is like you have been asking me to choose between the two of you. That just isn't what it is all about.

I understand that you want them to respect you. I have wanted for you to respect me. With being faithful and then addressing the situation when you weren't. But you haven't. This isn't a situation of you alone being mistreated. Our kids need us. I need YOU.

I won't stand by any longer and watch the family fall apart.

We need help with parenting, our partnership, and healing. There is still time, but not for long. They will be gone, and the chance will be over. I will never forgive you if you don't stop hating, and try to help me heal this family.

((Whatsright and family))

Just listening to you. I don't have advice or 2x4's.

Also sending hugs. Wish I had sage words of advice. I have huge issues as well, with how my WH has handled the fallout of the A and his relationship with our children. (Our oldest 2 found out about the A 6 months before me and my DD confronted him that September). WH is a master compartmentalizer and wants them to "just get over it". When I try to explain how badly they are hurting and how they will suffer lifelong damage if we can't heal them, he feels as though we are beating up on him. It's an untenable situation.

I wish I had some magical solutions. I just keep trying. I see that is what you are doing too. I have no 2x4's. I really hope you make some headway and find a path to hope and healing for you and all of your family.

This is his reply:

It’s always the same my fault you act like I started it when he came in cussing and mad because I ask him to get the donuts down and cussing the guy who wasn’t there and then refused to do what I ask and then started yelling and cussing me. Yes, I am very disappointed that my kids did not give a shit about whether or not I got to riding and you didn’t either. They won’t help or step to don anything unless for pay or discipline. I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHERE I’M THE BAD GUY! I know you take this wrong but don’t know how to respond to you. Of course I won’t to help our family but, I feel it is your family and they could care less about me.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 9:55 AM, September 23rd (Monday)]

And...my response to him...

No, I wasn't disappointed that you didn't go riding. I admit that to you. You have always said that you wouldn't go alone, yet you told me you told the boys you were going with or without them. I am sorry you were disappointed, but you can't even transfer yet (because of your shoulder) and yet you want to go riding? I did not think that was wise. I was glad that the opportunity to get further hurt did not happen. If that makes me a bad person - so be it.

Yes, you feel they could care less about you. And they feel you could care less about them. And I feel you could care less about me. Yes, we are all hurt. Its not just you. That is what I said.

The difference here is that we are the parents. It is up to us to step up. How can you be upset with them when they don't step up to help when you aren't stepping up to help them - and on a much deeper level?

As long as you think you are the victim here, you will be. We all are suffering, and about worse things than not going riding over the weekend.

Even if you think they are MY family and not yours, they are your kids, too. You can either focus on your love for them, and decide that you will put forth the effort to actually help them, or you won't.

I will be moving forward with helping them. If you want to be a part of it, I guess you will let me know.

Do you even remember the time we were working on our marriage, and we were supposed to visualize where we would be in 5 or 10 years?

You said that there were 2 divided hilltops. You said that me and the boys were on one of the hilltops playing and laughing, and that you were alone on the other hilltop. You said that you wanted to be with us but just couldn't get there.

Isn't this odd how this has come true. Me and the boys aren't laughing, for sure, but it is true that you aren't "with" us - emotionally. If this is because you don't know how to be, then maybe you should talk with someone to help you know how to make this happen.

If you aren't "with" us because you don't want to be, then I have no remedy for that. That is your choice.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 10:03 AM, September 23rd (Monday)]