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snowseason posted 9/23/2013 09:08 AM

Ok, so last June I had the horrible experience of catching my FWW with the OM in bed. I will not bore you with the details. The first 12 months were very difficult in reconciliation with ups and downs. The OM lives about 1 hour away. My FWW has complied with the no contact conditions and worked hard on our relationship and marriage. The problem I am encountering is that I can't get the memories out of my brain .. they keep resurfacing and although the anger is now minimal when the memories resurface, I am feeling numb when it comes to romantic feelings. I feel like I am at a cross roads with my feelings and whether or not I need to say I gave it the good fight and tried to reconcile or continue to see if the emotional wounds will indeed heal better over time. Any thoughts? Anyone else go through this type of stage in reconciliation?

rachelc posted 9/23/2013 09:13 AM

I caught my husband in a similar way. I had EMDR therapy to lesson the trauma. It has helped a lot.
Have you been in IC?

Silentthoughts posted 9/23/2013 09:22 AM

My husband also had EMDR therapy about 2 years ago.. It helped him so much for a long time. He's still not completely healed and will probably go for another session. We think he has a type of PTSD - PISD (post infidelity stress disorder). You might look into the symptoms and see if it fits. That therapy is really helpful for a lot of people.

wert posted 9/23/2013 09:26 AM

Yep.

I simply stopped loving my W after D-day. It took a lot of work on her part at first and then on mine to let her back into my heart. The feelings for fear, anger and hurt still resurface at times. In short it still ticks me off from time to time.

A few things I have done that have helped a lot:

1) read: ACT with love, How Can I Forgive You and When Things Fall Apart. I explored who I was and who I wanted to be in my relationship with my W and others. Its a great journey. Those books taught me about how the brain works and how to get control of it.

2)IC - A good one can help put perspective on the A. Scope it out in the larger frame work of your M and life and help you along the way.

3) Insist that my W shares here IC sessions, thoughts and feelings with me. This needs to be bi-directional, but her to me was not happening in the past and I take some solace in the fact that she is sharing and connecting with me which makes her different in my eyes.

4) Live in the now, not in the past. You can't un-fuck the donkey and when ever those thoughts creep up I tell myself that.

take care...

[This message edited by wert at 9:28 AM, September 23rd (Monday)]

snowseason posted 9/23/2013 15:44 PM

What is EMDR therapy?

rachelc posted 9/23/2013 15:57 PM

http://www.emdr.com/general-information/what-is-emdr.html

a way to help heal from trauma by recreating neural pathways in the brain...
I use the electronic tappers, and we target vivid images that disturb me...