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Intimacy and WH....

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FogHater posted 9/23/2013 09:41 AM

I was talking one of my friends they ask how I can have sex with him knowing he slept with some one else.
She thought I was strong to be able to do that.
I think some of my friends and family think I'm crazy for having sex with him.
He has had full checkup he is clean.
The thing is I don't feel strong, I feel weak maybe they think I'm just forgetting what he did.
I have not forgotten what he did nor the pain he inflicted.
What r ur opinions on this.
Maybe I'm just rambling I hope someone can make sense of this post.

StillStanding1 posted 9/23/2013 09:49 AM

I am totally in the same thought process.

Sadly, it is my DD17 who basically asked me this. Awful. How to answer this appropriately??? Never thought I'd have this question from my DD. Ugh. Avoid? Tell her it's none of her business? She's suffered with knowledge of his A and deception for 6 months longer than me. She thinks I am weak and pathetic for trying to R. Some family members think I am strong. Some just don't comment.

My answer: M is hard. This situation is extremely hard. But we had a lot of good years together and we have a lot of reasons to try to save our M. If we both really want to R, we need to fix ALL aspects of our M. That includes intimacy. So, yes, it is hard to fight the pain and engage again. But if our M is to survive, that side of our relationship needs to heal too.

I don't know if that makes sense to an outsider, but I'm guessing it makes sense to another BS who is trying to heal their M, right?

bionicgal posted 9/23/2013 09:50 AM

I guess i do what i consider healthy compartmetalization. I have sex to feel close, bond, heal, and to feel good. I also think that affairs are not fundamentally about sex, but rather escape.

I wasn't the reason he cheated, and I am going not going to withhold anything or punish him by refusing to be close to him. But, that is how I feel, and it could take 2 weeks or 2 decades to get there. I honestly felt like being intimate very close after Dday, which surprised me. But, everyone is different.

StillStanding1 posted 9/23/2013 09:54 AM

bionicgal, once again I agree with you.

I was shocked at my own desire to be close to him again in that way. I guess that's why it's called HB, but I never felt it was "hysterical" in a negative way. It's still hard for me to connect my emotions with sex, because I still feel very vulnerable and not yet safe. But, as we work on our issues and become closer, I definitely feel a passion for him that was lost for a long time.

catlover50 posted 9/23/2013 09:59 AM

I too, wanted sex and feel that it helped us heal and bond. I was true to myself. It hurt me at first, but what was really emotional is how close we both felt to each other. There had been something between us that neither of us had recognized (I mean forever), and when it was gone it was amazing.

No one who hasn't been there may be able to understand, but I think that each BS should do what feels right for them.

FogHater posted 9/23/2013 10:10 AM

Thank u for the response
I am feeling really close to him
I try not to think about what they did.
If he did this to her kissed her told her he loved her.
Which I'm sure he did I found a card from her in his truck that left no questions in my mind what the relationship was about.
Btw when I read it almost threw up...
He went thru his truck and grew out everything that was from her, without being told!! WOW that went along way with me. And of course the counsellor was impressed.

velvethammer posted 9/23/2013 11:25 AM

I'm having a much different experience. The few times I've allowed sex, I'm struggling to push the mind movies out of my head during and am just trying to get off. Basically just trying to feel good in some way because the rest of the time I feel like crap. When I'm finished I don't want any cuddling. I get up and leave the room and start down the path of beating myself up for having sex with him. Is this just a phase? Has anyone experienced this? Even my doctor was surprised when I asked to be put on my bc pills again that I was having sex.

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