Sadly, it is my DD17 who basically asked me this. Awful. How to answer this appropriately??? Never thought I'd have this question from my DD. Ugh. Avoid? Tell her it's none of her business? She's suffered with knowledge of his A and deception for 6 months longer than me. She thinks I am weak and pathetic for trying to R. Some family members think I am strong. Some just don't comment.
My answer: M is hard. This situation is extremely hard. But we had a lot of good years together and we have a lot of reasons to try to save our M. If we both really want to R, we need to fix ALL aspects of our M. That includes intimacy. So, yes, it is hard to fight the pain and engage again. But if our M is to survive, that side of our relationship needs to heal too.
I don't know if that makes sense to an outsider, but I'm guessing it makes sense to another BS who is trying to heal their M, right?
I wasn't the reason he cheated, and I am going not going to withhold anything or punish him by refusing to be close to him. But, that is how I feel, and it could take 2 weeks or 2 decades to get there. I honestly felt like being intimate very close after Dday, which surprised me. But, everyone is different.
I was shocked at my own desire to be close to him again in that way. I guess that's why it's called HB, but I never felt it was "hysterical" in a negative way. It's still hard for me to connect my emotions with sex, because I still feel very vulnerable and not yet safe. But, as we work on our issues and become closer, I definitely feel a passion for him that was lost for a long time.
No one who hasn't been there may be able to understand, but I think that each BS should do what feels right for them.