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t/j how they act and how it affects life

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Kierst13 posted 9/23/2013 10:07 AM

This is partly t/jing, partly my thoughts, partly due to a post on another board and I'm sure partly due to my three DDays.

WS are masters at hiding what they do and how they feel. One of my biggest fears staying after DDay#1 and being in limbo after DDay#2 was that I would never get the whole story of what he did, and I would live the rest of my life living a lie by only getting a partial truth.

Here is my question. Is it possible to have emotional intimacy and rebuild a marriage if the WS never admits to the whole truth. Being a BS, I know I always had a feeling he was holding back from me, so can the relationship be intimate and rebuilt if the WS holds to a false or partial truth, and the BS mostly believes but does not fully believe the WS, but has no way to prove how they feel?

Are they doomed to a marginal marriage? Will the truth come out or be discovered? Is real intimacy attainable if the WS will only give a portion of what the affair was?

I am thinking of a situation where the WS claims it was *only* emotional and will never admit to a physical affair even though it happened. The BS is suspicious but cannot prove their suspicions.

Tred posted 9/23/2013 10:14 AM

Is it possible to have emotional intimacy and rebuild a marriage if the WS never admits to the whole truth.

I don't think so. I don't know how you can completely heal and have an authentic relationship if you still have suspicions about their honesty.

Razor posted 9/23/2013 10:23 AM

I dont believe it is possible to have emotional intimacy without the truth. All the truth.

If you dont know what you are forgiving how can you forgive?
If you dont know what lies you were told. If they were never confessed. How can you trust again?

Without trust or forgiveness how could emotional intimacy ever be possible?

Ostrich80 posted 9/23/2013 10:29 AM

Well I will speak from my own experience. After DD1, I thought we were in R but only I was. I felt within a couple of months that he was slipping away again. He only copped to a portion of the A, only what I had concrete proof of. Before I confirmed DD2, I really tried to get past it but really if you don't know what your getting past, how do you? Because he withheld information, I always had doubt and felt I was being really naive to believe what he had told me. For instance if the A had been going on 5 yrs instead of 2 or if there were ILY's exchanged, or future plans they had made...it would have been a factor in me staying. I didnt know the severity of their R, he made it sound like it was texts, inappropriate friendship at the most. So no, I don't thunk you can R without the truth. Also, I feel when they keep things secret, its still a connection that only they have with the ow, a place they can still visit in their mind without the bs footsteps on it..Kwim?

catlover50 posted 9/23/2013 10:30 AM

Well, for us, a big no.

My H had been lying basically since I met him. The one he called the "big lie" was that his LTA was not a PA. Even though we had a big blowup then, I threw him out, he started IC, etc (and he ended the LTA) he did not fundamentally change. He lied to his IC. He still had that "hole" inside him, and his solution was to become MORE selfish and withdrawn. He wanted to be "happy".

Turns out that what he was missing was true emotional intimacy. Once he could finally be honest with himself and me (and face his CSA) then everything started falling into place. We are at a place we literally never have been before. He is happier than he has ever been before.

That didn't happen until the day, after a month after Dday #2, when he cried out "no more lies!!".

Don't settle for less.

I wish you the very best.

Raven96 posted 9/23/2013 10:44 AM

Will he take a lie detector test for you?

Kierst13 posted 9/23/2013 12:13 PM

I apologize, I am not asking as it pertains specifically to me.

It was one of those thoughts that sticks with me and I wanted the opinion of others.

WhiteCarrera posted 9/23/2013 12:51 PM

This isn't the first time I've completely agreed with Razor.

My wife has seemed to do everything right since DDay (4+ years ago), but I know she has minimized the truth, and held some things back. I don't know why, because the truth that I have is 95% of the story, but there are things that don't math up.

Without the full truth, it's very hard to drop your guard and fully reconcile. Not happening here, anyway.

Simple posted 9/23/2013 13:00 PM

Here is my question. Is it possible to have emotional intimacy and rebuild a marriage if the WS never admits to the whole truth.


No. Trust me: 11 years, multiple APs both EAs and PAs, I helped enable the rug sweeping cause I thought we can just move on and forget even though I know something's not right. Affairs will NEVER STOP unless the root cause of their A is figured out and fixed. My FWH tried to "fix" himself by himself and it NEVER WORKED. The only time he finally "fixed" himself is when he put it out in the open, confessed it ALL to me. 5 year R now and our marriage is stronger and better than pre-A.

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