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I had to go shopping for some birthday cards the other day. One was for a friend turning 60. No problem - he's a great guy and it was actually fun shopping for his.

The other two were for my sister and sister-in-law. The sister that has been a major pain in my ass for decades. Hmmm…how to describe her…judgmental, arrogant, world’s greatest mother on the planet with the world’s greatest kids (just ask her)…narcissistic, zero empathy or emotional intelligence, a fight picker and a family separator.

Then there’s my only sister-in-law…nice to you one minute, cold and a bitch 60 seconds later…brags constantly about how much she makes at the job she hates and rubs it in incessantly about how well off she and my brother will be in retirement FULLY knowing my financial situation. Her kids are complete losers and every chance she gets, she’ll say something like “Well, at least you’ll never have to worry about your kid doing X,Y,Z” – to which I always respond – “Never say never.”

All I could find were these beauties: “So glad we’re sisters!” - NOT. “You can’t pick your relatives, but I’m so happy my brother picked you!” – Ummm…NOT again. “You’re always there for me”…”You bring such joy to our family”…”You’re a joy to be around.” Seriously? These are my choices?

After a good half hour, I ended up with a rather uni-sex 50th card for sis which has just the right spark of bitch to it (rubbing in the whole you're old and 50 theme) and a VERY generic one for SIL – something about having a margarita on the big day.

They suck, they’re not the cards I usually buy or like to buy, but they’ll have to do because I just wasn’t feeling the whole “fake it for their birthday” thing.

AJ’s MOM

I stopped giving greeting cards (other than SI Christmas cards, naturally) about 15 years ago.

I'll take a blank note card and write my own message if the occasion warrants it.

It sucks buying cards with warm wishes, when what you really want to say is, Happy Birthday, I hope you walk into a wall and break your nose.

I keep a stash of those generic, Happy Birthday cards from dollar general, when they clearance them you can get em for about 25 cents. LOL I think that sends just the right message.

Happy Birthday, now Fuck off.

Simple solution...Maxine. You get the laugh, they get the sarcasm.

Hi AJ's Mom!! I actually think there is an untapped market here, greeting cards for the personality disordered. I have the same problem.

They could be blank except for "Happy Birthday," maybe black on the front.

We get this thing off the ground, we could be RICH! Richer than your SIL, bwahahaha!!

E.

I am totally anti-sap and almost never buy person-specific cards (Mom, Son, etc.) I usually buy funny and write a personal note inside if the person warrants it.

I don't have to worry about the mushy "your the bestest ever" type of cards. When that situation pops up, I buy a humor card.

I buy cards with an animal picture on the front. It makes picking them so much easier.

It sucks buying cards with warm wishes, when what you really want to say is, Happy Birthday, I hope you walk into a wall and break your nose.

There are a few people I would buy that card for!!

But I second the cards with animals on the front. Cute on the front and generic message inside. Perfect!

Years ago, I bought this card, I still have it as a matter of fact, a few people could have used it but I really can't part with it. It is so old, it doesn't have a UPC code on the back.

On the front:

For your birthday I wanted to get you something you needed

Inside:

How do you wrap a brain?

There is an untapped market!

Why bother even buying cards for these people? They sound toxic.

Aj's mom...

You're damned if you do, damned if you don't.

If you don't buy any cards at all, you're a bitch.

If you buy a card and it's not what the person expects, you're a bitch.

If you buy a card and it is what the person expects/wants, you're stuck with being nice to them for a bit of time.

I feel for you.

Since I stopped buying birthday cards for my toxic mother, my life had become quite simple and peaceful.

I swear one of my lottery goals is to open a Sarcastic Greeting Card shop. There is an unfulfilled niche which is highlighted here.

For you, I'd go with our "For the woman who has laws against assault to thank for another year of life - Happy Birthday!!"

(PS - I think we're married into the same family. )

Thanks, everyone.

jrc nailed it.

Damned if I do; damned if I don't. Being a people pleaser in a toxic family is its own kind of crazy.

I adore my niece and nephews, therefore I put up with sis's crap.

I adore my bro so I put up with SIL's crap.

And that, my friends, is why I drink.

A lot.

Sigh.