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Newest Member: Notnemore (60749)

User Topic: What am I supposed to do?
♀ 39381
Member # 39381
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this in NPD thread also.

(No contact protection order in place)
My stbx has been very persistent in wanting to talk to me. He says that if we talk then we can work things out and not have to fight through the Divorce. He tries to go through my family, through my friends, through my counselor...any way except through the attorneys. He dropped off a copy of the temporary order with the Deputy and told him that District Court should mean more than County Court (where the protection order was issued from). He highlighted all the instructions for pickup and child communication. He noted on the Holiday's on how we should work those out and to please talk to him.

After the exchange, I realized that I forgot to get him his mail and my daughters car payment was in there, so I went to his Mom's to see if she would give it to him. Of course I was crying. This is all very hard on me as it is everyone. I talked to her about how I heard that he might be doing drugs, that he had another affair that he hadn't admitted to, and that he currently was with another women who is known for drugs and rumored to have hepatitis. She spoke to him later I guess and called me to say that he denied the other affair, but had been messing around with this other woman recently and had gone to the bar with her, but they have decided that it wasn't going to work. I cried all night. It made me feel horrible that he would be interested in someone so soon and someone with such a known terrible reputation. He text my friend the next day to deny everything and say that he loves me and we just need to talk.

Anyway, we normally have to do child exchange at the Sheriffs office, but this weekend my son had a football game and asked if they could just go with me after the game instead of going to the Sheriffs office. I said that would be okay. WRONG...

Stbx kept asking if he could just have 2 minutes to talk to me. I shook my head no. A few minutes later I went over to my car, with my Mom and my friend and sister in law to get the kids to go home. I knew that he would corner me to talk to me. That is exactly what he did. Said he wants to get along, but wants to talk to me. My mom said, she can't talk to you the rules are that you need to go through the lawyers. So he grabbed my daughter (9yrs old) and told the kids to get their shit and get in, that they were going to the Sheriff's office. My daughter said no. He said well Grandma just chewed my ass about the rules and the rules are we go to the Sheriff's office. I was just going to let him go. I figured it might be easier that way and with his temperment he might get in trouble, but my daughter kept fighting him and crying saying that she wanted her mom. He yelled at my mom and told her to stay out of it and my mom said well she is still my daughter and he said and she is my wife. My mom said, well not for long and do you want to add child abuse to this? So , I got up and did not say a word, but calmly walked over to stbx with a calm expression and gently and slowly pulled my daughter over to me. He let go and we headed back toward my vehicle. My legs were shaky and giving out so I had to squat down and regain myself. My son said, Mom my bags are still in dads car. I told him to go get them. stbx said bye kids I love you and then shouted I love all of you-throwing his hands up in exasberation. He kept speaking loudly saying we need to talk about this civily- I don't want to fight. He put up his hand in a "call me" gesture and got into his pickup. He drove away and stopped by my vehicle and talked through his window that we need to talk.

My kids were scared, my daughter was crying, my friend was crying. And me...well I guess I have gotten too used to this because I was just numb with a terrible instant migraine. My daughter said she thought he was going to take her away and she was really embarrassed because everyone leaving the football game was watching.

So, what do I do? Have him jailed for breaking the protection order? That will just make him furious.

Do nothing.

Give in and arrange a sit-down?

He text my friend. That was ridiculous!

He obviously takes no responsibility in his actions and no matter the consequences-it will be someone else's fault. So what do I do?

I called him Mom that night and said well stbx lost his temper a little bit. He broke the protection order. This is exactly the reason that we have the exchange at the Sheriffs office. Please tell him that I have already contacted the mediator and he should be getting the paperwork. We should be able to talk then, but he really needs to control himself and keep himself out of trouble. I could feel her defensiveness in her voice, so I know it fell on deaf ears. She said well you two need to talk. Nothing will be accomplished passing paper back and forth.

2DS, 2DD
BS-Me 32
WH-Him 43
DDay-All 14 years of our relationship. 3PA's, 3 one night stands, and 6 EA's and still counting as we go. Gained enough strength to face it 11/2012

Getting Divorced

Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
♀ 38377
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have any experience with protection orders, but I have required all child exchanges be done with a police escort. When I'm dropping off, we meet at the police station. When he's dropping off, he refuses to meet at the police station, so I have the cops escort me to his preferred place. And the biggest reason that I've done this is so that he CANNOT talk to me without a witness. I don't talk to him on the phone, and I don't talk to him in person. I need proof of everything he says, so email or text ONLY. And the more he begs for us to talk in person, the more I'm sure that he will just try to bully and abuse and confuse and gaslight and fuck with my head. And my poor kids. They heard him call me every name in the book. That should never EVER happen. And incidents like that are traumatizing for kids. If he can't say it through a lawyer, he doesn't get to say it. I know it's tough, but do your best to protect the kiddos from this crap.

Personally, I'd do as much as I could legally if I were you. Good luck..

xBW~ 37
Two DS~ 9 and 13

Posts: 3120 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
♀ 36307
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No advice, but my heart breaks for the kids. Can't he just see that and put them first. Nothing absolutely nothing should come before doing the right thing for the kids.

BS: Me (65yo)FWH: HIM (67yo)) serial infidelities over past 35 years
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2013

friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over a
year a year. Now his health is declining,
among the lack of communication.

Posts: 741 | Registered: Jul 2012
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have Him Jailed. You have, with the best intentions, just given him hope that if he persists, he will get his way and be able to bully you, terrify the children, and thumb his nose at the law. And never do this again. Follow the rules of exchange. (((hugs)))

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 9789 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♀ 23468
Member # 23468
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you allow him to violate the RO or violate it yourself (which you did with this "exception", and I know it just seemed reasonable but now you see how and why it is NOT reasonable, it is still violating the RO) you weaken the order, and you make it harder to renew it, as his lawyer or he can argue you yourself did not keep to it. He is not allowed to contact relatives or friends the order I would bet it says that. You can't get him for this violation because you allowed it, but you NEVER break it again and document every contact with you, friends and family this includes copies of emails and writing down every call. Also WRITE DOWN A NARRATIVE of this incident beginning with stating you made a mistake thinking you could keep to the RO rules at the game. If he calls you don't answer but record it if you pick up by mistake hang up immediately. if there is another in person violation have him jailed and provide your record as well. if you feel harassed, tell your lawyer and allow him/her to guide you as to how to manage it. just my 2 pennies but consider I have been there and done that as have many others here.
ETA and absolutely do report this violation to your lawyer and to the police if he/she advises it.
sorry to keep editing but wanted to add that this

So , I got up and did not say a word, but calmly walked over to stbx with a calm expression and gently and slowly pulled my daughter over to me. He let go and we headed back toward my vehicle. My legs were shaky and giving out so I had to squat down and regain myself.

ROCKED! You showed incredible strength and dignity in the face of a very bad and scary situation.

[This message edited by badd at 1:59 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 160 | Registered: Apr 2009
Topic Posts: 5

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