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A party + triggers = emotional chaos

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musiclovingmom posted 9/23/2013 11:12 AM

We celebrated my H's birthday last night. He's never been home for us to actually have a party and I was so excited. I bought and prepared the food. I baked a cake from scratch. I made ice cream. I even had decorations and confetti. We were both excited. He invited several people he works with including a girl. I've met her. I'm still not completely comfortable with him having a girl in his circle of friends, so I watch. I don't know much about their job and often feel like an outsider in their conversations, but I try to remember that he can't always tell me every detail of every work day or we'd never sleep. The evening was going along great. Everybody ate until the were about to burst and then sat around talking. That's when things went downhill.
They started talking about S, a guy who used to work with them, and his wife. Apparently, the two of them are separated because of all the cheating S did while working out of state. My H asks nicely to change the subject, twice. I ask nicely to change the subject, twice. My SIL says, in a slightly irritated tone, 'why, we're just talking about S?!' That's when I snapped. My response was 'because he knew about everything the whole time and said nothing'. You see, S was my H's swamper and they encouraged each other in their pursuits of other women. Conversation shut down and everyone started leaving. My H loaded up our older son and was outside with the girl alone. I didn't even realize it until I came out and then I just felt my heart fall. Not because I really think they did anything, but because I'm still so suspicious. Because I have to always have my guard up.
I spent much of the night awake feelin angry, sad, nauseous, guilty. Should I have snapped at my SIL? Should I apologize for killing the party? Why didn't I tell s's wife what I knew a year ago? Should I find her and apologize? Always seems like just when I think I've got it together, the bottom falls back out.

kiki1 posted 9/23/2013 11:31 AM

hugs musiclovingmom.

I'm sorry your party that you were enjoying turned out so badly.

You dont owe your sil an apology. Its unfortunate that noone would honor you and your h request to change the subject.

If all were aware of your situation, it was rude and thoughtless.

I have been involved in conversations that turn to talk of cheating and once people catch on to the fact that i'm there and what they're saying, it becomes very awkward.

This was very rude to do this to you in your home. You owe noone nothing.

I dont know what purpose would be served in calling S's bw, unless you have information she may need. Otherwise, i would say leave it alone.

If you knew and said nothing, she would feel about you as you do about S.

Let it go, dont stress ending the party. You put an end to rudeness towards you in your home. You had every right too.

Make it a great day today!!

heartache101 posted 9/23/2013 11:36 AM

First you need to get too know this other girl he works with. JMO!
My spouse has work related female friends and I have met them. They seem genuinely just that work friends but my guard is always up. I try to get as close as I can stand to all just to keep a check on them.
I will forever be like that.

You did nothing wrong at the party. Nothing. Just asked for a convo to be changed. They were wrong for talking about a S and cheating at a birthday party.

musiclovingmom posted 9/23/2013 11:41 AM

Heartache - when she and my H worked in close proximity (he was the driver and she was his swamper), I spent quite a bit of time with her. Now, she drives an escort truck. They can share the same work gossip, but aren't spending all day every day together. Problem is, I'm very distant to her. OW2 was a good friend of mine. We had lunch dates. We did girl talk. She even babysat so my H and I could go out. All while she was sleeping with him. So, I'm just as scared of being close to her as I am of not knowing who she is at all (OW 3,4 and 5 were women I didn't know).

Rebreather posted 9/23/2013 11:43 AM

It's not the appropriate time for your husband to be having a close female friend. Not at all. He should back up off of that and quick. If for no other reason, than just because it hurts you and makes you anxious.

As for S's wife...I don't know. I imagine she is pretty pissed that everyone knew but her. We've seen that play out over and over on this board. I don't know that you owe her an apology or if that would just hurt her more. Maybe just sit with that for awhile and see if the right answer makes itself known to you.

How was your husband after the end of the party?

musiclovingmom posted 9/23/2013 11:49 AM

He was upset. Not at me, but at his sister and just in general. I know lately he's been feeling like he can't do anything right. He tried last night and it still crashed. Though ultimately, the A was his choice, last night wasn't his fault. He wasn't controlling the conversation and as soon as it went there, he tried to stop it. We talked for a bit last night, but, honestly, we were both tired. He had to get some work clothes washed and be to work by 4 this morning and I just let him do it and took myself to bed. The fact that he took care of his laundry and got himself up without me having to prod him was actually one of the best things he could have done for me in the aftermath.

brokensmile322 posted 9/23/2013 12:59 PM


Please do not try to beat yourself up about this situation. None of asked to be here and it is a difficult road to navigate.

People at the party should not have been discussing S, especially if they knew of your sitch. Really out of bounds, IMHO.

As far as the girl, if my WH conducted an A with my friend and allowed her to babysit etc while it was going on, I would not be comfortable thinking that just because you 'know' these women he works with, you are safe.

Truth is, none of us are safe in that situation either, we just don't know it.

I don't think he should be friendly at all right now and hopefully he has requested a male swamper from now on.

Hugs to you! Sounds like you two made the best of a difficult situation.

LA44 posted 9/23/2013 14:39 PM

((MLM)), I will just echo what the others said. If they knew of your sitch AND ignored requests to drop the topic and did not - that is just so inconsiderate. Throw in the fact that you put together what sounds like a beautiful dinner and home made cake - what is wrong with people?!

I am with Rebreather on the female friend. Did you share with him your heart dropping when you saw them at the car together? Ok. So its nothing I bet but at least he knows that this is a trigger for you.

You don't owe anyone an apology. In fact, I feel they owe you one!


[This message edited by LA44 at 2:40 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]

musiclovingmom posted 9/23/2013 14:50 PM

I did share LA. I also reminded him that my mind worked in pictures, so it wasn't just ideas of what they could have been doing, but that I actually see those ideas like a bunch of short films paraded through my head. He apologized yet again (poor guy did a lot of that last night) and ran througb exactly what happened from the time he stepped out of the door until i walked out. I really do know there is noting going on with them. They don't interact at all like he and OW2 did. And, it isn't her fault at all that I'm so guarded around her. Someday maybe I won't be, but not anytime soon.

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