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cluless posted 9/23/2013 11:22 AM

My WH & I have been trying to reconnect. We have gone BEYOND anything we've ever had before and are falling deeply in love. The problem is, my heart is hurting more. What do you do when you love somebody so much, and they realize they made a mistake, but the whole 19 years of marriage was a lie? He wasn't over his first girlfriend and went back to her and thought he was in love. Then realized he didn't, so back to me?

Do I have no self-esteem? Do I take the chance? Do they stop lying, cheating? I am very guarded around my heart. I let him in once before (not this far) because he's always held back as well. The further in he goes, the more it hurts. Is it too soon, the PA&EA has been over for 13 months. But I've only know about the PA for 1. Are we pushing too hard? I NEED attention!

HELP!

SpiderGrl posted 9/23/2013 12:33 PM

I hope you are looking in to IC/MC. It truly helps to have an outside perspective. I have no advice other than that because I'm very much at odds with myself in my own situation. Hugs to you. I hope you find some thing that helps.

Itsgoingtobeok posted 9/23/2013 12:50 PM

I understand about living a lie . I've lived that life for 28 years ! The very best advise I got from S.I was to take care of myself . I started eating right , exercising and seeing old friends . Once you improve your self esteem you won't be as co dependent on your WS . You will be able to make better decisions on the direction of your M.

cluless posted 9/23/2013 13:30 PM

Am I living a lie? Am I lying to myself? I've never had this happen to me before, I don't know the rules. Is it bad to try to keep the relationship on track while going to MC? We're going once a week and her advice for this week is communication. We are laughing, and loving each other in way that was no possible before.

But it seems the closer I get to him the more it hurts. Is it too soon, am I just full of shit and I don't love him but trying to fill some sick need of needing/feeling to be wanted. It doesn't feel like that to me, but I'm a mess and have NO idea what I'm doing.

StillStanding1 posted 9/24/2013 11:21 AM

(((cluless)))

I wish I had answers -- I just have all the same questions... I am also "clueless"!

I'm not sure if I'm strong or just stupid. Too co-dependant? I'm working hard on my own self-esteem issues. Working out like a fiend - lost 20 pounds. But between caring for my kids, doing my job, managing my household, spending time reading and trying to heal -- there's just not a lot of time or energy left to pursue a whole world of new interests. YKWIM? So many of our friends, after 20+ years together, are mutual. It's really hard to divide myself into a new social circle when I have no idea if we're headed for D or a better M.

I wish I had answers for both of us.... Wishing you comfort and peace.

Gr8Lady posted 9/24/2013 11:41 AM

I for one was passenger on the "living the lie"bus. It finally stopped at a town called Reality and I have to discover uncharted roads. The GPS (marriage of 35 yrs). Doesn't show the roads to take anymore. WH was driving during the marriage, the destination I once thought was "ours"
Has apparently been relocated

I'm Lost

bionicgal posted 9/24/2013 13:52 PM

I don't know your H or you, so there is no way to answer with any authority.

I'll say in our case, even though I am the BS, I have had to give and be much more vulnerable. This makes me feel scared, but it also makes me feel strong. You can't build a wall around your heart, and expect things to get better. But, you have to have some assurances that it is safe to do so.

scream posted 9/24/2013 15:21 PM

I hope you don't mind my WS opinion. I understand what you are saying. If I can't grasp the pain you and my wife are in. I led my wife on a similar trip. She looks at our marriage as all lies. The only good thing she has gotten is our 2 great boys. I'm not sure if there is anything I can say that will make a difference but I know I have to make our marriage better for the future. I can't change the past as much as I would love to. But I can make our future better. I think my wife goes through a lot of the same feelings you do. They are normal. They are expected I think. Its your mind and heart trying to protect you. And its ok. I think little by little they come together to get you to a good place.

kansas1968 posted 9/24/2013 15:40 PM

Yes, it is too soon. Trust takes a long time to earn and a nano second to destroy.

It will take a longer time to build back the trust you had in him than it did the first time becaue now you are building in on the foundation of a betraya. Be patient with yourself, share you feelings with him, and take it one day at a time.

There will be good days and bad. Enjoy the good ones but know there will be bad ones. This is not easy. Staying, I think, is much harder than leaving. Just keep posting and share your feelings. That always helps. Hugs.

cluless posted 9/25/2013 10:00 AM

You guys are so awesome. And TY scream for your .2C worth. My WH and you sound word for word what he is telling me. I truly hope you do get the pain that you've caused. It's like a death, it's permanent.

bionicgal you are right, I can't build a wall around my heart. I've already wasted so much time.

kansas1968 that is exactly what I needed to hear. But I decided last night when I writing a private message to someone that I've got to just try. I told my WH last night, no more questions on IM at work, he can go up to 8 hours a day in what he calls interrogation. He knows he must do what I need, but I see his BP is out of control, he blew a blood vessel in his right eye. So instead of asking questions WHENEVER they pop into my head, I'll write them down, and we will talk.

I'm still SAD and would do anything to of made this not so, but it has brought us so close. Closer than I've ever been to anyone, it feels like our hearts our one. I know that sounds corney. I also know I could be crying in an hour, but it's time to work on forgiving him.

hugs.....

PositiveAttitude posted 9/25/2013 10:52 AM

I for one was passenger on the "living the lie"bus. It finally stopped at a town called Reality and I have to discover uncharted roads. The GPS (marriage of 35 yrs). Doesn't show the roads to take anymore. WH was driving during the marriage, the destination I once thought was "ours"
Has apparently been relocated

I didn't want to t/j your thread Clueless, but I think there is so much truth in this statement. It does seem hard to make the decision to stay or go.

I too wonder if everything is too quick. Will he ever stop the lying and cheating. All we can do is hold out hope, work at healing ourselves and our part of the marriage, and move forward. Keep moving forward. Always.

GraceisGood posted 9/25/2013 11:09 AM

This is just my perspective, so take it as only that.

I would say that you both need to stop putting so much focus on the M and each other and focus on yourselves individually.

The reasoning is this:

For you: you have not had enough time to process this all, you have not been able to fully understand and explore what it all means/meant, unfortunately no matter how hard and diligently you work on this, it takes TIME to process, the brain does not always make quick calculations and come up with answers/realizations, sometimes they take months to form into coherent thought. Also, as stated above, you H has not had enough TIME to prove worthy of this much effort being put into the M IMO.

For him: He was not commited for 19 years??? He did not really know what he wanted??? He was just.......what?floating along, taking you with him? He goes to his "first" love and then learns that he still does not have what he wants?? He has no idea what he really wants, he has not yet grown up in this area imo. Perhaps he is on his way, but again this takes TIME to be tested and trued. And whatever deep down issues that he has that allowed himself to live in limbo for so long need to be worked on imo.

I see much individual work to be done which takes much energy, and you need all the energy you can get to work on yourself right now, you do not need to be putting precious energy into the M, the M can wait imo, and it will be better in the long run for waiting because it is only as strong and healthy as the two in it right?

Again, just MY perspective only.

Grace