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Ego boost from nasty aps "weird"

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sad34 posted 9/23/2013 12:01 PM

Always found It weird that my wh said how he got an ego boost from ow and she made him feel "king shit" and like a "God".
She's divorced, doesn't give two shits about her kids, barely educated, can't keep a job, goes to bars all the time, is an alcoholic, doesn't cook, eats only take out, spends money a lot, is overweight and unattractive, puts herself first.
I'm attractive, athletic, very educated, loves my kids, puts wh and everyone else before me. Etcetera. Think complete opposite of ditch pig.
I think how I would feel if I went and had sex with the nastiest guy at the bar, I think I would feel lower then scum.
So how is it these ditch pigs "help" the ws's self esteem. He cherished her opinions and needed to hear her thoughts on everything!
Boggles the mind.

shatteredheart7 posted 9/23/2013 12:14 PM

His Ow was the same, a low life piece of nasty trash. The only thing that makes even a little sense to me is; he was severely depressed but didn't want to admit it (that part is fact) I was trying to get him to seek help. She on the other hand didn't want him to get help and told him constantly that there was nothing wrong with him. She told him what he wanted to hear to keep him that weak broken person that he was. Imho, she could have been the most disgusting piece of crap in the world as long as she told him what he wanted to hear. I have asked numerous times how he was able to kiss her when she has no teeth, he can't explain it. This coming from a man that asked me the first time we talked, we were set up by mutual friends, if I was vigilant about oral health. Bad oral hygiene is a big no no with him. But she doesn't have teeth, not even false ones, and he was OK with that?

Some of their reasoning just boggles the mind!

WhiteCarrera posted 9/23/2013 12:47 PM

My wife said a lot of the same things. She said her AP made her feel good, flattered her, complimented her body and looks. They worked for the same company, and he was a couple levels above her -- a normal guy, but he didn't care about her. Told her what sounded good, and then didn't want anything to do with her until the next time he was drunk and his wife was out of town. Amazingly, my wife took the bait a second time, too. Unbelievable.

Simple posted 9/23/2013 12:54 PM

Not sure if you're just stating a rhetorical question or you really want to know. I do have one theory that is what happened in my case.

Have you ever heard of the book "love languages"? A lot of the time our WS don't quite know how to ask us or cope with an "empty love tank". We may not think it's empty for us, but it *could* be empty for them. NOT SAYING this is the reason they A. The reason I've seen people A is because they lack good coping skills and communication skills to tell their partner that their love tank is empty. The AP for the most part is the one feeding it. So no matter how ugly someone may be, they look better and better if that person is feeding the love tank with WS love language. In my case, my FWS had multiple OW, each of them fulfilling a different need or another that he felt he couldn't get from me. AGAIN doesn't mean I'm at fault for not giving him what he needs specially since I didn't even know in the first place cause he didn't ask and didn't know how to.

I hope that made sense.

namaste32 posted 9/23/2013 14:31 PM

Same here. OW was like 15 years older. Low life,doesnt care for her kids at all,never worked a day in her life,again,why would she? She had 6 kids by different men,so I assume they all pay child support.She is about 300 lbs,doesnt cook,doesnt clean and looks like a man, know hairy and all,.... She told my H he is awsome and cute etc,so ego boosting to no end. He was severley depressed at the time,didnt care for him self,so he didnt care what she looked like. I am slim,had 3 kids,I speak 3 languages,so very different from her. Anyways my point is,I guess if someone is very depressed they dont care what the AP looks like. All they want is a quick fix to make themselfs feel better. I know,its nasty as hell. But it helps me to know that he really wasnt in his right mind. I also do know that if he would not had been depressed he would never had even looked at her not to mention hook up with her,......

Deanna posted 9/23/2013 15:23 PM

Same thing with my husband. OW was selfish. At the time she was 47 and all she cared about was having a good time. She is uneducated and does nothing to better herself. I am constantly taking classes and am probably one of the least selfish people I know.
As far as looks she wasn't bad but I am better looking in my opinion.
My husband has always stated that it wasn't about her it was about the attention. It is amazing how many people say their husband's were depressed at the time. My husband was severly depressed at the time and also an alcholic. He quit drinking the day after d-day.

SisterMilkshake posted 9/23/2013 15:33 PM

She stroked his ego and all he could see is the reflection back of his overwhelming awesomeness.~unarmbears
This quote was a lightbulb moment for me and I have saved it. I need to look at it on occasion to remind myself. The AP was just a mirror of what our WS's wanted to believe about themselves. The AP's just parroted it back.

It really doesn't make sense, does it? To get your ego stroked by some other person, oftentimes a person not physically attractive at all, but a person that has low moral standards. My FWH AP cheated on both of its husbands. Probably on every man it was with. I would not be complimented at all if some cheating scumbag hit on me.

But, thats just it. We are BS's. We don't feel and think like WS's. We need to not put ourselves in their place and say "This is what I would feel, so this is what the WS must feel." Really, the sooner you stop trying to make sense out of what they did, the better off you will be. 'Cause it just doesn't make sense. Even over 3 years out from d-day with a remorseful FWH, it just doesn't make sense.

sad34 posted 9/23/2013 20:39 PM

Thank u all for your responses they have helped me. I am just so damn analytical, I need things to make sense!!!! But I guess it never will!

Lionne posted 9/23/2013 20:52 PM

Well, my SAFWH's APs were attractive physically. One was educated and intelligent. Both played him like a violin. And got a significant amount of money and or meals/drinks from them. That's not counting all the affirmation he needed from strippers who he truly believed were his friends. I spent an enormous amount of time boosting his fragile ego. And I was attractive, thin and fit at the time of his PAs. My theory is that he needed the affirmation from these OW who were NOT equal to me in accomplishments, education and success. In addition, he resented me for so many things, my success, my organizational skills, the fact that I expected him to participate in our family and be accountable about his time and money...most of all, he resented me for accepting his offer of marriage, his relocation to where I was (his choice) and expecting him to be a loving and faithful husband.
Resentment fuels many things, addiction and infidelity among them. It's a dangerous emotion.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 8:54 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]

StillGoing posted 9/23/2013 21:32 PM

She was probably someone he could easily feel superior to.

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