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this is making me very uncomfortable

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cantaccept posted 9/23/2013 13:11 PM

H is self employed, home improvement. That is how he met ow.

He has a job coming up, similar scenario. Single woman, well that is all I know.

I asked him, how old, he's not sure.

I asked him, attractive? Why don't you see for yourself.

I told him my opinion doesn't matter because apparently we have different definitions of attractive (referring to ow).

Just not comfortable with this. Things are very different between us now. I just don't like this.

I know I am not being rational, he can't avoid working for every woman. It just makes me feel uncomfortable.

What can I do to relax about this? Should I drop in? Close to where I work.

I want to trust him. The key word is want I guess. I trusted him before too.

I hate this!

I have never been suspicious, jealous, I do not like this new side of me.

It feels humiliating.

Accept that I have no control, he will do what he does. I have no control. I only have power over myself.

It is bugging me though. It is also a year ago at this time that he started a, I just didn't know yet.

Those thoughts are playing in my head now too.

sportsfan posted 9/23/2013 13:27 PM

This is a huge trigger for you, no doubt. I bet he'll be professional around his client ... all work and no play. You will be feeling a lot better after he finishes the job. These triggers will become less and less painful the more he's involved in these scenarios ... and you'll be less and less anxious.

Hang in there ...

Searchingforhope posted 9/23/2013 13:31 PM


If it makes you feel more comfortable to check on the situation yourself, than I say do it.

I know I've done things like that to calm and reassure myself that things are as they should be.

JKL Vikings posted 9/23/2013 13:39 PM

Hi cant
I'm with sportsfan on this. I think he'll be all business. I know this is very trigger for you right now. But this can be a chance to SHOW that he's legit. And earn back your trust a bit at a time.
Sending support and positive energy from The Lone Star State

cantaccept posted 9/23/2013 13:41 PM

He has said to me, "I keep it all business".

Yes, but...

Maybe I will drop by, just to ease my mind. This is the first time since he has been back that he has had a single woman as a client. I know it's irrational but it is a trigger.

Had a very strange but funny thought/image - think of dogs and marking turf.

Sick humor but hey, it's humor.

JKL Vikings posted 9/23/2013 13:46 PM

this is the perfect opportunity to see if his actions are in line with his words. as for territory marking.. One time the Alpha Female put a HUGE hickey on my neck during the time where OW would show and harass me at work. Not that I complained

[This message edited by JKL Vikings at 1:46 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]

Dawnie posted 9/23/2013 13:46 PM

The real issue is him and being able to trust him... But maybe if you want to ease your mind get her name and see if she is on facebook. If she is you can see what she looks like and also may be able to see if she is in a relationship.... just a suggestion to possible help you deal with this.

((cant accept))

cantaccept posted 9/23/2013 13:57 PM


Hickey is much more hygienic option! Made me laugh.

I did look on facebook (embarrassed to admit) I couldn't find her.

I suppose it's a version of trust but verify?

This does feel like some kind of alternate reality. Is this my life??? Who are you??? Who am I??? Too bizarre.

Thanks all, this has been bugging me for weeks, as soon as he signed the job. Just been trying to stuff it, there were bigger issues.

Is it me or does it seem that if you resolve or at least improve upon one thing something else takes its place?

Josephine01 posted 9/23/2013 14:19 PM

I am in a similar situation. Not exactly the same though. I cringe every time he goes on a job out of town. The thing that I have come to terms with though is that it was just that OW. He had others single lady clients before her and nothing happened this one well we all know the rest.

So yeah, if you feel like it. Drop in. . . Bring him lunch or something.

I know this isn't very helpful. I just thought you'd like to know that you are not alone.

Knowing posted 9/23/2013 15:13 PM

If I were you and I could get away from work I would go to the site every day to have lunch with WS. I would make it a condition of R. It would give you the opportunity to suss her out, probably out your mind at ease eventually... A lot of what our WSs want is attention, this is a good way to meet his needs and yours at the same time.

blakesteele posted 9/23/2013 15:33 PM


I have never been suspicious, jealous, I do not like this new side of me.

I feel 100% the same way. This past weekend my wife left to do her work...just like your husband leaves to do his work. Pre-A I always thought my wife looked attractive, but never felt jealous at all. This time I noticed how nice she looked and felt some jealousy. I told her I felt this...then felt a bit stupid, vulnerable really. I always thought jealousy was a teenage thing....I can't recall being jealous of anyone in my life...over cars, pretty GF's, houses, job titles, salaries, etc..

I too hate this part of me, but am recognizing it is a part of me.

I asked him, attractive? Why don't you see for yourself.

On top of attractiveness being a relative thing, I don't think this has much to do with AP. My wifes AP is older and dumpy (double chin, belly). By her own admission she did not find him attractive in that way initially...but, of course, it developed into an attraction..almost an obsession.

I have also scanned the thread on SI where people can post pictures. I spent an hour looking at all the people....WS and BS alike. What I saw were physically ugly, average, and stunning people...on both sides.

While there is something to be said about "catching someones eye", there is a bigger reason, motive why people committ adultery...can't answer that fully. But it has very little to do with the AP's in anyway (except that they were "available" and "receptive") and has almost everything to do with the WS's.

Your husband "gets it", my wife "gets it". They may not have fully expressed what this means to us...but they know enough to not repeat the past with regards to committing adultery.

You are like me and other BS's on here....we desire to fully trust our spouses, logically recognize our spouses have made progress, but the hurt and pain from the betrayal lingers.

Hang in there...I will say a specific prayer for you on this.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 3:34 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 9/23/2013 16:18 PM

I asked him, attractive? Why don't you see for yourself.

I told him my opinion doesn't matter because apparently we have different definitions of attractive (referring to ow).

This reminds me of an interaction I had with FWH a few months after d-day. I didn't know the AP. Finally found a picture of OW on the interwebz. Not attractive at all. Asked FWH;

Me: You think OW is attractive?
FWH: You see OW's picture. What do you think?
Me: I didn't fuck OW!

It doesn't matter what we think. And, it doesn't matter one bit what they look like. FWH was so insulted when I told him about what another member said and that I felt this was true for him, too. That her WH would have fucked a monkey in a dress and lipstick if it did the things the OW did.

I feel meeting your H for lunch or a coffee break is a good idea. I also feel just showing up randomly is a good idea, too. Trust but verify. I consider you newbies in reconciliation. The first year, your just getting your sea legs.

cantaccept posted 9/23/2013 16:56 PM

We are definitely newbies to R.

If I had to give a start date for R, maybe a month ago???

It has been hell.

He has been NC since Dec. 10, 2012. Open with phone, computer, whereabouts although with his job he could tell me anything and I would not know.

Just really triggering about this and just a few minutes ago he received a call from a woman, real estate agent, meeting her at 7am tomorrow.

This just sucks. I really don't want to have these feelings of insecurity. It just feels so wrong. I miss the me that never had these thoughts.

Off for a massage, hope I can stay still long enough. A gift from my son. Maybe it will calm me.

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