SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

My husband had a ten month affair with is ex girlfriend and it will be two months on Oct. 3 since I found out. He insists that he had sex with her one time. THe rest of the time it was texts and phone calls, gifts for her and her kids (don't ask...but no, they are not his kids that I know of) and a planned trip to see her where she now lives...about seven states away. Long story short...he had been in a deep depression after losing his father figure, his grandfather, last April (2012).....
We have had sex since it all came out. I was having my period one week and seemed to want to cling to him and attack him in that way...it was like I was in denial or something. Now I have pulled back and I can't get it out of my mind that he had sex with her. I never saw them in bed together but it is like I keep having visions of them together when I don't even know what happened. I have asked him very little about what happened...other than him telling me that he used protection. So it was a thought out thing which upsets me. All of it upsets me .. who am I kidding?!
We are in counseling..he is seeking counseling for himself as well (just needs to make the call) but I am just stuck on these thoughts and can't seem to get past them. I can't "get into it" with him even though I know he wants to pretend like we were shortly after the initial discovery. I wish I could go back there and just be in denial again or whatever emotionally screwed up moment I was in.
I just don't know how to get past these images and obsessions of what they did together. :(

First you are very early on. I am 1 year out from my DD.

I am pleased you and your husband had HB sex....we did not. I have read others on here that had HB sex and said it fed each others love for one another enough to carry them through the drought you are in, and I am in.

Sex after an affair is tough...maybe the toughest to overcome...and I think particularly so for women.

There is some truth to the joke that when it comes to sex women need a reason, men just need a place.

I struggle with that "joke" because my wife had sex with a guy she barely knew....still waiting to understand how this could have been an option for her.

Your husbands case...where it was an old GF...differs from my case. Not sure how much time they spent together (he COULD know her pretty well)...and I don't have a timeline on my wifes affair either...but I estimate my wife had about 90-120 hours invested in her relationship with her AP, start to finish. That is actual time I think they spent together, including the minutes they used for texting.

I am sure she was thinking about him almost constantly during parts of her affair, but actual time spent "getting to know him" was in that range. Of course, you can "see" a person by projecting what you want into them...even when they are not present. But actual face time is what I am referring to.

Obviously an affair is not a healthy relationship...so no "normal" rules apply.

I continue to wrestle with how my wife had enough "motivation" to go through with her affair. Actually, when it went from EA to PA we were in weekly MC sessions and, at that time, I suspect she had 30-50 hours face time with her AP.

My wifes A followed the passing of a loved one...it appears to both of us that was the start of our downward tumble...we had issues before that, but can both track back to when things really got unbalanced (namely my anxiety and her detachment...both fed on each other). I see your husband lost loved ones too just before his A. I have read this could be a triggering event for A to blossom.

I initiate sex mostly. When my wife declines, I am okay with it. I like to think I am not pressing her, but I think that is only a partial truth. The other side is that it saves me from having to stop in the middle because of the pain of the affair....I almost instantly go....well, you know...not able to continue physically.

So a part of me doesn't mind because I don't want to feel any more rejection...rejection from either of us.

Kind of rambling.

I am formulating a post on "fear"...think it ties into sex. Might check it out, see if I am close to a truth.

You are so close to DD...be as easy on yourself as you can be. What you feel NOW will change....you will see and feel the roller coaster of emotions others on here speak about. Dont freak out that your fWH is not on that same ride. This is trauma for you, it is painful for him...there IS a difference.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:58 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]

THank you. He claims the face time they had was in a car where her daughter usually was and it was usually just talking. CLaims there wasn't other stuff going on and only one time for sex. I have asked him this again and again and again and he keeps saying it is the truth. I have caught him in other lies and he has confessed them but in this case he knows I have no other way to get to the truth about the sex than to contact her and I'm afraid to do that. I'm afraid she'll tell me even more that I don't want to hear. I want to believe him on this..he's working so hard to reconcile...says he can't believe he would do this and wants to grow old with me, but I just have this gnawing feeling he's not telling me the truth about the sex so he won't hurt me more. In counseling he just says "I don't want to hurt her anymore..." to me thatis "I don't want to tell her anymore." :( He lies with such ease...it's scary.

Are you familiar with the "fog"? It is a dreadful time following DD where the WS has fond feelings for their AP....they say and think very..."unclearly". Mourn for their AP more then worry about the damage they just inflicted on their spouse and family, worried about the AP feelings over the feelings of the spouse....it really sucks.

"I don't want to hurt her (you) anymore" "She is a sweet girl (AP)" etc..all point to the fog. While he might believe that on the surface, what he really is saying is "I can't believe I could hurt my wife so much, and don't want to face that anymore." and "My AP has to be a "sweet girl", because if she is not...what did I just jeopardize my marriage for? What did I sacrifice my self image for? What did I sacrifice my family and future for?....a piece of tail? an escape from reality?....no, there has to be some good, healthy reasons for my affiar."

Do "sweet" people committ adultery? Do healthy relationships start on a foundation of lies? In time he will own what he has done...and you will know that time by his change of heart on his AP. This is hard because this makes the fWS look at themselves in a light that is not very flattering. This is NOT a romantic comedy....were two married people (not married to each other) connect with each other innocently enough, realize they married the wrong people, split with their original spouses and connect with their "soul mate"...with no damage done.

This is real trauma for the BS and will result in real pain for the fWS after the fog lifts. The fog is very real, and serves a very real purpose. I think it a rare WS who can fully handle the gravity of their decisions immediately following DD...so the mind creates this fog...to help ease their fall from grace.

Trickle truthing also sucks. You are right, there is no way of really knowing what he is doing or thinking.

With regards to details...that is highly personal. I am the type that wanted to know every detail. Unfortunately, I did not find this site until after the fog. So I engaged my wife a lot immediately following my DD. By doing this I gave her ample opportunity to lie to me, over and over again.

Read about 180 too.

I will close this post. I just get so anxious for people new into this process...want them to NOT make the mistakes I made in hopes that their journey will be smoother then mine has been.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:17 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]