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Lost.....Completely lost

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npfahl posted 9/23/2013 14:22 PM

This is my first time on this site and I apologize for not having the abbreviations down, as I am too exhausted and hurt to give it any effort right now. 10 days ago I found out that my husband of 13 years had a 6 month affair 7 years ago when I was pregnant with our daughter. The OW's husband called me at work to tell me, as she decided to come clean to him. I will never forget that moment for the rest of my life....shock, nausea, light-headed, and the deepest pain imaginable. My husband denied it for 4 days and finally decided to come clean on Tuesday night. I prayed so hard that he would admit it and somehow felt that if he did it would make me feel better. Maybe it did for a short while, but the pain is still here and I just want it to subside for just a moment. I go back and forth of wanting to hug him and run to him with this pain, but HE is the one who has caused it. I feel a death inside of me. Who am I? Who are we? Who is he? I want my family back. I want my best friend back. I want my LIFE back. There are moments I want to fight for this marriage, and then there are moments that I feel I can never truly forgive him. I NEED people to tell me that this pain will go away. Please, Please someone tell me that!.. I can barely go to work...have called off several times since finding out and now I am feeling that I may have to quit because I am in such a state of depression. I feel like I can't even be a mom right now. My friends and family say "wake up, dress up, and show up" I just want to look at them and say SCREW YOU!...I can barely take a shower, eat, or walk right now. Will I ever be ME again? Will I ever laugh or smile again? How can pain like this be humanly possible? I want these obsessive thoughts to go away of wondering about every detail between the two of them. Did they snuggle afterwards? Did they laugh and talk afterwards? Did they watch our shows or joke about things he and I joke about? Was he wearing his ring? Did he ever miss me when he was with her? Did he open doors for her? Did he buy her flowers? Did they have oral sex? I am freaking losing my mind thinking about things like this. I don't ask him these things because I am too afraid to hear the answers. He tells me that he loves me more than anything and continuously apologizes and begs me to forgive him. He tells me that he is willing to do anything to prove to me how much he loves me. He tells me that he can't live without me. Is it possible that we can move past this one day and be stronger? Sometimes I think yes, because the counselor says it is possible, but I just don't know. I feel dead inside.

1Faith posted 9/23/2013 14:38 PM

So sorry that you have found yourself here in this place.

It is a good place to be for you though. It is filled with kind and compassionate people that know first hand the pain caused by infidelity.

You are in shock. You are reeling and have just boarded the roller coaster ride from hell.

You will have ups and downs and the corners suck as well.

But yes, you will make it through. You will come out the other side one way or another. You will, I promise. It is just going to take time. ugly four letter word.

On average it takes 2-5 years to heal. I tell you this because it is so raw and new for you.

Right now, breathe and try to take care of you. I know it is hard. I remember first hand the hurt and devastation you are describing.

All the questions you have are normal. Scary and hurtful but normal. Perhaps ask a few at a time. You will want to ask because if you don't then they will drive you mad.

I hope you can get into IC and your husband as well.

You can make it. You can. It takes a lot of hard work and tears but you can make it.

Post often and know that you are not alone.

Good luck. Hugs and prayers.

confused615 posted 9/23/2013 15:03 PM

Hi honey. Im so sorry you are in this kind of pain. It truly is Hell. will be ok. will be happy again. Yes..the pain does subside.

But it will take time. Right now you need to just take care of yourself. Make yourself eat something. Drink plenty of water. Don't push yourself too much. You have been traumatized,and you need to take care of YOU right now.

What is your WH doing to help you?

He needs to:

Answer all of your questions without blame or being defensive.

Give you full access to all of his accounts and his phone.

Write a NC email to OW..and you send it.

Get tested for STD' need to do this also.

Go to IC to figure out why he did this.

Be completely honest with you about everything.

This is a process..but you will be ok.

Im 3 years out..with a remorseful WH..Im happy..really happy. I remember those first few days. I literally shook from the pain. I couldn't believe it was possible for a body to feel so much pain and still live.

But I lived..and so will you.


damaged71 posted 9/23/2013 15:15 PM

I remember wondering why no one told me that this kind of pain existed. I had no idea that there was something that could cause this. See my signature line for how I felt. I wrote that the day I signed up.

We have all been there unfortunately. I am a veteran and have buried a parent and NOTHING comes close to this kind of pain. Nothing.

But.... you will get passed it one deep breath at a time. I am pulling for you because deep inside I know how you feel.

It'll get better, you'll see.

npfahl posted 9/23/2013 15:43 PM

Thank you thank you for your replies....I am so grateful for your encouraging words, as it is all I have right now aside from God.

self-rescuer posted 9/23/2013 16:36 PM

Sent you a pm. So sorry for your pain.

TarnishedSilver posted 9/23/2013 16:50 PM

I am so sorry, and I know exactly how you feel. I was feeling the same way you are right now 2 years ago. I couldn't even get out of bed but I had two teenagers that never saw me even take a nap during the day and didn't want to scare them that I was sick or something.
I would get up in the morning and hope the tears would not flow until they left for school

I found out 18 years from my fwh last A and he had been having sex with others for the first 10 years of our relationship.

I know it is hard to take right now. Just get up and keep moving, keep busy and communicate with your H
Get a good IC and same with your H
I would suggest not going to MC until you both have seen a IC and your H has made some progress.

Please come here for support and get a good IC

iwillNOT posted 9/23/2013 16:55 PM


I am so sorry you need to be here. The others gave you great advice. There is much benefit to be had by reading and posting here, it has been so helpful for me. I hope for you, too.

It has been 6 weeks since I caught my husband in a long term affair with a co-worker. I was completely and violently swept away by the pain, just as you, I couldn't believe how badly I hurt. Emotional pain translated over to physical, too, with a twisting stomach and vomiting etc.. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't function at all most days. My kids watched a lot of movies and ate lots of crackers and fruit for dinner. a certain point, I began to feel kind of numb and distant from it all. I think that you just can't sustain that level of traumatic pain indefinitely, your brain finds a way to protect itself. The pain is there but you don't feel it constantly, every minute. Just most minutes. Then every hour. Then less. This week I had my first good day, which was a day where I didn't cry, made meals/ took the kids to activities, and cleaned the kitchen.

It will get better, apfahl. Cut out every nonessential responsibility you can, put the housework and kid care on your husband, try to do something to nurture yourself.

cluless posted 9/23/2013 18:50 PM


Hey girl, I'm on day 23 after finding out my husband of 19 years had a 1-1/2 year affair with his first girlfriend and love of his life. I actually found out about the affair 1 year ago, but he lied to me for an entire year. So actual d-day was on 9-1.

I'm literally on a roller-coaster, calm one minute, a complete wreck the next. I've lost 20 lbs. and I still have NO appetite. People stopped trying to force me to eat. The pain, the betrayal, he did it 3 DAYS after my BD. Then waited 9 months and started seeing her regularly. I was hospitalized during the first encounter, and I can't tell you how hard this has been on me.

Then on the other hand, the need to be with him is soooooo strong. I need him to want me, to love me, to reassure me, and then I think of what he did and I hate him all over again. All I can think about is getting even and tearing his heart out. But I'm NOT going to do that, at least not yet. I just hurt, and I'm sorry there are people out there that only care about themselves. They don't care what type of impact this will cause and they certainly don't care about the spouse.

I'm journaling and writing on these forums. I got close to committing suicide last Wednesday and I won't even post what my insensitive husband did, sometimes I wonder what the hell am I doing? If I did this to him, he'd be out the door calling me dirty.

I'm sorry I didn't mean to vent to you. Drink wine, but not a whole bottle at once, unless you want to throw up for 2 hours! Chin up!

MJane posted 9/24/2013 10:00 AM

npfahl - I am going through the same roller coaster. For me the timing has been so much the dagger in my heart - like your H mine started cheating when I was pregnant. I find it so hard to understand how this man I found to be kind and decent should choose the moment when we were building a family to start an A. It feels like a betrayal of the deepest kind - of us as a family unit. My H doesn't get that as he had separated the A from us as a family. I am in a lot of pain and hate the lack of trust that has crept into everything. I look at pictures from times I now know he was seeing OW & think that they are "lies" as he was heading off to have sex with her. I want to move past this one way or another but thoughts creep into my head when I least expect them & I am so very very sad & disappointed that this is my life and this is what the man I love is capable of....Know I am thinking of you & I am sure we both will have the strength to get through this, because we have to...

cardnial posted 9/24/2013 10:19 AM

I know this pain also. I found out about my H affair in August because he left his fake email acct. open and I read everything they had said to each other. We have been married over 30 yrs. He has done this many times in the past. The first 4 days I lay in bed and cried, my eyes were swollen and I was a mess. I still miss him everyday. I made him leave and he moved to AZ. I am in PA. I have no idea why he went there unless he has someone there as well. He had 6 other women in his secret Chat room. I think, I want my life back and I hate this empty feeling, so very sad and lonely. He acts like he wants to stay in AZ. we agreed to a 3 month separation but he sure doesn't show much remorse or act like he plans on returning. I am going to have to face this and I am terrified. This SI has helped me so much, people are wise here and caring, they all know this terrible pain of being betrayed. It just sucks! My prayers and hugs to you.

Completelybroken posted 9/24/2013 16:02 PM

I can't tell you the pain goes away. I' found out four months ago my husband had an affair when I was pregnant five years ago. It's still horrible and he is doing everything " right" .
I didn't ask questions at first either-- I didn't want to know. But all those questions you wrote were mine a few months ago. Our MC told me I needed to ask them or they would never go away. I finally started asking, he answered them all. Sometimes it was worse to hear ( the wedding ring question is a god awful one there is no good answer) sometimes the answer made me feel better ( the sex was not great like what I was imagining in my head.) so if you have a question ask, it doesn't make the pain go away but it deadens it a bit

betrayedme2 posted 9/24/2013 16:19 PM

sorry npfahl. I wish there was something that I could say that would make the pain go away or at least lessen it. Unfortunately I know of no easy way to proceed. Just know with time, the pain lessens. We've all been where you're at, it's been 8 months for me and I have good days and not so good days. The scale is tipping now to having more good days than bad. Glad to hear you're doing counseling! Truly best wishes for you and your family!!!

betrayedme2 posted 9/24/2013 16:21 PM

One last thing. Please try as hard as you can not to think about the times they were together. I know it's hard, really impossible. When you find your mind drifting that way, force yourself to think of something, anything, else.

Grilla posted 9/24/2013 22:34 PM

So sorry to hear your story npfahl. Your emotions, and the way that you described your pain sounds exactly like mine. There are no words to properly convey what that hurt feels like. There are compassionate people on here that can help you through this though. The mind movies are the worst. That's why I'm up right now. I pray that things get better for you and that God eases your pain.

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