I understand your wanting to know, I do. I was obsessed with the same question for over a year.
My FWH was adamant that they did not sleep together either but a liar is a liar and they both have proved they are capable of lying.
2+ years later he still claims they didn't.
Point is - we will never really know. We will live with doubt in some manner for the rest of our lives. That is the gift they have given us.
Gently, even if she didn't sleep with him - she still betrayed you. She still cheated. It is still infidelity. Does one act make it worse than another?
The infidelity is what you are going to have to work hard to come to terms with and to figure out how the two of you can process and work through it; one way or another.
I know with me, I tried to soothe my hurt by thinking "well at least they didn't sleep with each other..." others will post "well, they slept together but he/she never loved them..."
All are ways for the BS to justify our conflict of wanting to stay with our WS and wanting to kick them to the curb.
This is completely normal and okay.
It took me a long time to realize I was trying to justify MY action in staying.
Because the essence of me was saying end it. End it.
Well, my choice to stay in the end had to be because I still love my FWH. That coupled with the fact that he has done some incredibly hard work to show through actions and words that he is worthy of my forgiveness, worthy of a second chance.
Our marriage is worth more than a cheap lie infested "relationship"
There are no guarantees but I know that 1) should there be a next time, I am done. Without question. 2) I will not be as hurt. Can't be because I have already walked through the belly of the devil and made it out the other side. If it happened again it would be an ugly side trip.
Been there, done that and I have the survivor t-shirt to prove it.
Everyone's journey is unique and everyone must define their own deal breakers.
Regardless of your path. Know that you are not alone, that you and your feelings matter and that it will take a lot of time, hurt and tears to truly begin the process of healing.
I agree with the others that if the OM is married that his wife deserves to know. She does. As did you.
Your wife's attempt at harm can be a cry for help and also a dramatic display of "showing" you how sorry she is so you will forgive her faster. You will focus on her and helping her (which is okay) but you can't ignore yourself or your healing either.
Sorry to have you with us but we are here rooting you on.
Good luck and God bless.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 5:15 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]