Hit enter to break up your sentences. It is much easier to read that way.
Sorry you are here. I am sorry that this has happened to you and to your marriage.
Please know that this is about your wife's poor choices and regardless of how stressed you both were there is never a justification to cheat, lie and betray. NEVER.
Realize that this is hers to own.
I guess i just want to know if im being naive or is she truly sincere
Take time to see if her actions back up her words. This isn't a quick fix and you will have trust issues for some time (understandably so).
I recommend IC for you both. It helps you to wrap your head around the reality that this really has occurred.
Post often and know that you are not to blame and you are not alone.
Good luck. Hugs and prayers.
Also I am not sure about what you mean with IC. I'm not very good with the chat abbreviations.
His wife needs to be told.
Sorry you're here, man, but glad you found us.
Is she remorseful? Only time will show that and how she continues to act. Right now it sounds like she needs some counseling. If she is as religious as you indicate, she realizes her "sin" and is probably having problems coping with it. She needs help.
However, in all of this...you have the pain of dealing with this and coping. Right now she is not able to help you. That is also an important part of this. It might be helpful for you to get some counseling also for you. I would recommend individual for you both before marital...but there are different opinions on that.
Make sure you eat, drink plenty of water, get some rest, try to sleep and take care of yourself. Fortunately, no decisions about your marriage need to be made now. You made a comment about if it had been you that had the A, you would have been kicked out by now. I will challenge back, I think most of us are finding out that when we are "really" put in the situation, we react differently than what we thought we would. I always swore I would never stay...but yet here I am.
Take care of yourself right now. Hugs to you.
I hate to say this but you need to be prepared for what you know now to just be the tip of the iceberg. At this stage, you shouldn't believe a word she says. She is most likely in self preservation mode and trying to protect herself. Please get yourself tested for STDs. It sucks, it's absolutely humiliating and it is something you NEED to do. They don't even have to take a swab anymore.
I hope you're not mistaking religion for virtue. My mother cheated on my dad with the pastor of our church. My ex's mom cheated on her dad with their priest. Both used some twisted version of their religious beliefs to justify what they did. Affairs are about selfishness and entitlement, not religion. Cheaters lie. Please, please don't let the fact that she attends church lull you into any sort of false sense of security.
Lastly, if the POSER (Piece Of Shit Ensign Rivera, one of the shitty asshole red shirts in Star Trek who was infinitely replaceable and you didn't care much when he died) is married, you need to tell his wife as gently as possible and with as much evidence as you can scrape together. Do not tell your wife that you're doing this as she is very likely to tip him off and give him time to make up a lie about you being crazy. Not only is this the right thing to do on an ethical level, it basically ensures that the affair will stop right there and that there will be two sets of eyes watching the cheaters instead of one. It also gives you another resource and potential access to truth that your wife may never give you.
[This message edited by h0peless at 9:42 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]
I''d firmly suggest that you find a IC (individual councilor) for your wife ASAP and also have her screened by her doctor for depression. She sounds a LOT like my FWH and he was VERY clinically depressed. Not that that excused him for his DECISION, not mistake, DELIBERATE CHOICE to go out and screw around, but had the depression not been dealt with, we would not have been able to R (reconcile). Also, get the book "Not JUST Friends" from Amazon (click on the link under Dr. Phil on the home page and the site will get a bit of support) and both of you read it together. It specifically addresses the slippery slope of allowing a "friend" to get too close and cut out your spouse.
Come back often for support. We''re here for you. (((hugs))))
edited: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/library.asp this link should lead you to the list of abbreviations.
[This message edited by Skan at 10:19 AM, September 24th, 2013 (Tuesday)]
D-Day, June 10, 2012
What I'd like to know is how do I prove she did or didn't sleep with him. I've tried tricking her by saying he told me they did. But she was pretty convincing they didn't that he was lying. She has never been defensive when I ask questions,she's actually been very forthcoming.
I just want to be 100 percent sure they didn't.
If someone keeps stabbing you in the back, then quit handing them the knife.
If you are wanting to save your marriage not matter what she did, then let her know that. Her cheating has nothing to do with you, whether or no you slept together before you got married, so don't even waste energy on that thinking.
Most everyone sleeps together before they get married and they still cheat and those that didn't still cheat. The "whys" are in her and her feelings about herself, and also, affairs are fun, dangerous, and exciting. It is just when confrontation occurs do they really look at it honestly.
This is a painful, long, journey. Just take it one day at a time. Hugs.
My FWH was adamant that they did not sleep together either but a liar is a liar and they both have proved they are capable of lying.
2+ years later he still claims they didn't.
Point is - we will never really know. We will live with doubt in some manner for the rest of our lives. That is the gift they have given us.
Gently, even if she didn't sleep with him - she still betrayed you. She still cheated. It is still infidelity. Does one act make it worse than another?
The infidelity is what you are going to have to work hard to come to terms with and to figure out how the two of you can process and work through it; one way or another.
I know with me, I tried to soothe my hurt by thinking "well at least they didn't sleep with each other..." others will post "well, they slept together but he/she never loved them..."
All are ways for the BS to justify our conflict of wanting to stay with our WS and wanting to kick them to the curb.
This is completely normal and okay.
It took me a long time to realize I was trying to justify MY action in staying.
Because the essence of me was saying end it. End it.
Well, my choice to stay in the end had to be because I still love my FWH. That coupled with the fact that he has done some incredibly hard work to show through actions and words that he is worthy of my forgiveness, worthy of a second chance.
Our marriage is worth more than a cheap lie infested "relationship"
There are no guarantees but I know that 1) should there be a next time, I am done. Without question. 2) I will not be as hurt. Can't be because I have already walked through the belly of the devil and made it out the other side. If it happened again it would be an ugly side trip.
Been there, done that and I have the survivor t-shirt to prove it.
Everyone's journey is unique and everyone must define their own deal breakers.
Regardless of your path. Know that you are not alone, that you and your feelings matter and that it will take a lot of time, hurt and tears to truly begin the process of healing.
I agree with the others that if the OM is married that his wife deserves to know. She does. As did you.
Your wife's attempt at harm can be a cry for help and also a dramatic display of "showing" you how sorry she is so you will forgive her faster. You will focus on her and helping her (which is okay) but you can't ignore yourself or your healing either.
Sorry to have you with us but we are here rooting you on.
Good luck and God bless.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 5:15 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]
Im afraid if the other BS knows that he's at it again it could get out and she could lose her job. So im hesitant about it.
She has the right to know. I know that its just a bit complicated too.
Since she is very religious it might be worth getting her to deliver an oath, [a really, intense devout oath], where she swears on the very names of all she holds dear; even automatic allocation to hell if she isn't truthful. I'm betting that she can't lie under these circumstances. Even I couldn't and I'm only faintly religious!
From a female perspective, I don't find it unusual that your wife may have had 4.5 months of petting without going all the way. Loyalty to her family and strong beliefs are a considerable barrier to adultery.
I hear you....but....
You ww most likely had sex with the OM. Mine was the same way....I never for once would have believed that would happen...but to get the emotional aspect...she gave him the full physical aspect. Regardless of what her past behaviors have reflected...morals and beliefs go out the window when it comes to an affair.
Just prepare yourself...for trickle truth....
I knew from the get go that sex had happened....but the extent of it took a period of 3 months to come.
I have read about religious cheaters swearing they didnt have sex, with Bible and even their childrens life, So for cheaters to save their ass they will swear on anything.
Why cant you ask her for a polygraph? If she is really telling the truth then its a good oppurtunity to prove herself. Ask her for a poly and see her reaction, it will give you a clue. If she agrees, do it, it may give you some hope. She may spill the beans at parking lot (parking lot confessions).
Two cheaters who are mutually attracted get together at an Isolated place and they only did what she said is not believable to me.
[This message edited by kannan at 11:03 AM, September 27th (Friday)]