SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

ConfusedTL posted 9/23/2013 14:48 PM

Lets see if in can explain this. Ive recently found out my wife had an affair. So ive been looking for answers everywhere. Im hopeing you all can help or at least make me feel alittle better.
Ill try to give you some background first. My wife is 7 years younger than me we've been married 14 years and have 2 young children. She has always lead a spiritual life. I met her when she was a freshman in college. She basically had no dating experience. Also she wanted to wait to have sex till after she was married. I made the first mistake in our relationship by pressuring into sleeping with me. However i intended to marry her before that had happened, but still it is a regret. Anyways i basically taught her everything, so she never had anybody chase her or fawn over her etc. Except for me.
We had a great start to our marriage, we were devoted to each other. I spent almost all our free time together. Fast forward to 2008. I was in the Army National Guard and was called up to serve in Iraq for a year. My wife was devastated. She had to hold the home front down with the 2 kids for a year by herself. We kept in touch by computer skype and she was crying everyday i was gone. I never cheated and she never cheated. So upto this point we are extremly devoted to each other and our family. We went to church every sunday, she taught sunday schoool and she even gave a childrens sermon every 4th sunday for 14 years. So when i say this is not my wife i mean it.
However, she was a teacher for 13 years, Last August she became a principal for the first time at a new school. She was stressed out , having to deal with grade schoolers hurting them selfves and others. This school had padded rooms for those kind of kids. So it was hard for her to see that and deal with. I had started a new job also at same time so both of us were stressed, short with each other etc.
Having a hard time at the school shehad to deal with the SRO(School Resource Officer)a deputy that worked in the school district dealing with the saftey of the kids. The became friends and talked alot on phone and text. In march after spring break things got different with the relationship. I had just aquired another account for my job so again i was stressed she was stressed because of the istep testing for kids goiing on. Then in April some time her kissed her and that started the snowball. I didnt even see any signs at the time. But obviousely they were there. I was coaching my sons basebal team and during the game a friend was teasing me about a guy my wife was talking to. Kinda of behind the crowd. I told him its the police officer from her school. Ironically it was exactly what my firend said, but didnt see it. We wernt being real close during the summer but we were still close to the same as always. However in mid aug this year, we had just put in a pool and was outside, SHe had left her phone by her chair while she was inside. A text came in from someone that said " i could come over and rub suntan lotion on you" I felt it was unappropriate. So when she cam out i asked her about it. She said she didnt know its not someone from her contacts. Should have realized it then. I let it go, told her few days later that the text was bothering me and i wanted to know more. She basically blew me off. I kept getting paroniod and tried to get into her phone but she change her passcode. I looked on her computer and on found some sites about the Police and Fire world games, but nothing else. Figure my son was looking at them since he likes that stuff. I kept trying to figure it out, when i decided to google the one guy i new of. I found out he went to ireland for those games, then it started to come together. After about a week and a half after the text. I had to confront her. She nwou.ldnt tell who it was or anything but said she was afraid i would get upset and so on. I said i know who it is, i just want you to tell me. She finally admitted to me and then said she had kissed him. At that point i blew up. Punched a jole in wall, cryed and felt sick. This entire time she is balling and saying she was sorry and dont leave her. I asked her what it meant, she said nothing it was just his attention, She never had any other guy act like that towrds her except me. It felt good for someone else to want her to. I asked her if they had sex she adamantly said no. I asked about oral sex, again no. How ever 4 days prior to this she said he did put a finger in her when the met after her training she had. They met for 15 mins and kissed and he did that. She also said she had wen to him the day after i found the text to tell him it was over. But he told her how muched he cared for her and convinced her to stay. She said she touched his penis but never got it out, he sucked whip cream off her breats but that was it. Then she left. I asked her to let me see her phone, she gave me complete disclosure for everything. Phone computer passwords everything. She even called him that night telling him to never contact her or talk to her again. I wanted proof that they didnt have sex and the extent of their deeds was just those 2 days and the outer petting and kissing for the last 4 1/2 months. In her text she never once said she loved him. Just how much she missed him, He called her his love and other things. He mentioned the whip cream in several text she always told him no, and that they were never going to have sex and was he ok with that. She did tell me that he told her he had affair before and got a girl pregnant and has a duaghter that was 1 1/2 yrs old at this time. By the way did i say he is also married. So obviously hes done this more then once. She said they alwasy met for usually no more then 20 mins at a time. Every so often it would be an hr at her office or so. They would meet when he was on duty on a counrty road. Im still having trouble believing she didnt have sex. But shes been absolutly denying they did. I tried to trick her by saying i contacted him and he said they did. She bout threw up asking why would he say that they never did why wuold he lie about. On and on she kept denying it and said that i knew everything , the only thing that enetered her was the tp of his finger on that last day she saw him. And all she did was puther hand in his pants but never saw it or got close to it. I do believe her as i said she was religous and still is, doing something like that would have really messed her up at the time and i would have known something. But its still hard to not think shes lying since shes been lying.
Since this has happen we have been going to couseling a minister and we have been doing the Love Dare. We have been intimate everynight since then, we text each other all day long and call each other often. She says he never meant anything and has not thought of, spoke to ro contacted him. She was at work when he responded to her call about no contact. She left him VM, coward wouldnt even pick up phone while she was balling. He text her his response. She showed me the phone where she had not even read the text and gave it to me right away. So i think that says something there. She has been very remorseful saying she dosent deserve me, why do i even love her. She cant even look at herself in the mirror without thinnking how much she hurt me. A couple days after this confrontation she was in the shower balling. I left her alone not wanting to disturb her, but after awhile she had been in ther for a long time. It was awfully quiet except for the shower running. I got scared and ran in there. Im glad i did, she was contemplating haring her self, She had a razor in her hand. I know she could have been just trying to get me to do what i did. But she explained if i left her she knew i would get the kids and she wouldnt have anything left. I told it was nonsense. She has not done that again but she has been balled up bawling a few times when im not around.I guess i just want to know if im being naive or is she truly sincere. She seems to be but i just cant understand why she did this. I know if it was me that did it, I would not be at home know she would have kicked me out and never even given me a chance to work it out.So she knows all this yet she still let it happen.

ConfusedTL posted 9/23/2013 14:49 PM

Horrible spelling and punctuation. Sorry

1Faith posted 9/23/2013 15:27 PM

Confused

Hit enter to break up your sentences. It is much easier to read that way.

Sorry you are here. I am sorry that this has happened to you and to your marriage.

Please know that this is about your wife's poor choices and regardless of how stressed you both were there is never a justification to cheat, lie and betray. NEVER.

Realize that this is hers to own.

I guess i just want to know if im being naive or is she truly sincere

Take time to see if her actions back up her words. This isn't a quick fix and you will have trust issues for some time (understandably so).

I recommend IC for you both. It helps you to wrap your head around the reality that this really has occurred.

Post often and know that you are not to blame and you are not alone.

Good luck. Hugs and prayers.

ConfusedTL posted 9/23/2013 15:45 PM

Thanks for the reply. I will make sure I hit return when typing. Didn't pay much attention to that while writing.

Also I am not sure about what you mean with IC. I'm not very good with the chat abbreviations.

jjct posted 9/23/2013 16:55 PM

IC = Individual Counseling
Particularly for her with the added threat of self-harm.

His wife needs to be told.
Sorry you're here, man, but glad you found us.

brkn_heartd posted 9/23/2013 21:10 PM

ConfusedTL,
Sorry you are here. While your wife made a decision, it also sounds like the OM was smooth and knew what he was doing. No doubt he manipulated her also. I am not saying that to excuse her behavior, but the reality is he probably.

Is she remorseful? Only time will show that and how she continues to act. Right now it sounds like she needs some counseling. If she is as religious as you indicate, she realizes her "sin" and is probably having problems coping with it. She needs help.

However, in all of this...you have the pain of dealing with this and coping. Right now she is not able to help you. That is also an important part of this. It might be helpful for you to get some counseling also for you. I would recommend individual for you both before marital...but there are different opinions on that.

Make sure you eat, drink plenty of water, get some rest, try to sleep and take care of yourself. Fortunately, no decisions about your marriage need to be made now. You made a comment about if it had been you that had the A, you would have been kicked out by now. I will challenge back, I think most of us are finding out that when we are "really" put in the situation, we react differently than what we thought we would. I always swore I would never stay...but yet here I am.

Take care of yourself right now. Hugs to you.

h0peless posted 9/23/2013 21:41 PM

I'm really sorry you're here. Nobody should have to go through what you're going through. Please keep reminding yourself that this is not your fault, that you didn't cause it and that SHE needs to do a ton of hard work on herself before she is a safe partner for you.

I hate to say this but you need to be prepared for what you know now to just be the tip of the iceberg. At this stage, you shouldn't believe a word she says. She is most likely in self preservation mode and trying to protect herself. Please get yourself tested for STDs. It sucks, it's absolutely humiliating and it is something you NEED to do. They don't even have to take a swab anymore.

I hope you're not mistaking religion for virtue. My mother cheated on my dad with the pastor of our church. My ex's mom cheated on her dad with their priest. Both used some twisted version of their religious beliefs to justify what they did. Affairs are about selfishness and entitlement, not religion. Cheaters lie. Please, please don't let the fact that she attends church lull you into any sort of false sense of security.

Lastly, if the POSER (Piece Of Shit Ensign Rivera, one of the shitty asshole red shirts in Star Trek who was infinitely replaceable and you didn't care much when he died) is married, you need to tell his wife as gently as possible and with as much evidence as you can scrape together. Do not tell your wife that you're doing this as she is very likely to tip him off and give him time to make up a lie about you being crazy. Not only is this the right thing to do on an ethical level, it basically ensures that the affair will stop right there and that there will be two sets of eyes watching the cheaters instead of one. It also gives you another resource and potential access to truth that your wife may never give you.

[This message edited by h0peless at 9:42 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]

Skan posted 9/24/2013 10:18 AM

Hey here. I sincerely hope that what she has told you is the complete truth, however do be prepared to learn more. It is SO rare for a WS (wandering spouse) to tell the truth at first (and I consider at first to be within 1 week of DDay (discovery day)), that it is almost universally true that there is a lot more coming for you to absorb. My FWH (former wandering husband) pretty much told me 75% of the truth on our DDay, but that missing 25% that I found out little by little (we call that TTtrickle truth) ripped open my bleeding wounds with every "discovery."

I''d firmly suggest that you find a IC (individual councilor) for your wife ASAP and also have her screened by her doctor for depression. She sounds a LOT like my FWH and he was VERY clinically depressed. Not that that excused him for his DECISION, not mistake, DELIBERATE CHOICE to go out and screw around, but had the depression not been dealt with, we would not have been able to R (reconcile). Also, get the book "Not JUST Friends" from Amazon (click on the link under Dr. Phil on the home page and the site will get a bit of support) and both of you read it together. It specifically addresses the slippery slope of allowing a "friend" to get too close and cut out your spouse.

Come back often for support. We''re here for you. (((hugs))))

edited: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/library.asp this link should lead you to the list of abbreviations.

[This message edited by Skan at 10:19 AM, September 24th, 2013 (Tuesday)]

ConfusedTL posted 9/24/2013 15:10 PM

Thank you all for the support. It has been hard. But I am getting thru.

What I'd like to know is how do I prove she did or didn't sleep with him. I've tried tricking her by saying he told me they did. But she was pretty convincing they didn't that he was lying. She has never been defensive when I ask questions,she's actually been very forthcoming.

I just want to be 100 percent sure they didn't.

lieshurt posted 9/24/2013 15:25 PM

I'd have her take a polygraph to determine if she is being honest.

kansas1968 posted 9/24/2013 15:31 PM

I think you are focusing too much on if they did or did not sleep together. They came close enough for their actions to hurt you as much as if they did. Get into counselling and give her a chance to tell you the truth in a safe enviornment. Waywards often withhold the truth because they are terrified of your reaction.

If you are wanting to save your marriage not matter what she did, then let her know that. Her cheating has nothing to do with you, whether or no you slept together before you got married, so don't even waste energy on that thinking.

Most everyone sleeps together before they get married and they still cheat and those that didn't still cheat. The "whys" are in her and her feelings about herself, and also, affairs are fun, dangerous, and exciting. It is just when confrontation occurs do they really look at it honestly.

This is a painful, long, journey. Just take it one day at a time. Hugs.

1Faith posted 9/24/2013 16:35 PM

I understand your wanting to know, I do. I was obsessed with the same question for over a year.

My FWH was adamant that they did not sleep together either but a liar is a liar and they both have proved they are capable of lying.

2+ years later he still claims they didn't.

Point is - we will never really know. We will live with doubt in some manner for the rest of our lives. That is the gift they have given us.

Gently, even if she didn't sleep with him - she still betrayed you. She still cheated. It is still infidelity. Does one act make it worse than another?
The infidelity is what you are going to have to work hard to come to terms with and to figure out how the two of you can process and work through it; one way or another.

I know with me, I tried to soothe my hurt by thinking "well at least they didn't sleep with each other..." others will post "well, they slept together but he/she never loved them..."

All are ways for the BS to justify our conflict of wanting to stay with our WS and wanting to kick them to the curb.

This is completely normal and okay.

It took me a long time to realize I was trying to justify MY action in staying.
Because the essence of me was saying end it. End it.

Well, my choice to stay in the end had to be because I still love my FWH. That coupled with the fact that he has done some incredibly hard work to show through actions and words that he is worthy of my forgiveness, worthy of a second chance.

Our marriage is worth more than a cheap lie infested "relationship"

There are no guarantees but I know that 1) should there be a next time, I am done. Without question. 2) I will not be as hurt. Can't be because I have already walked through the belly of the devil and made it out the other side. If it happened again it would be an ugly side trip.

Been there, done that and I have the survivor t-shirt to prove it.

Everyone's journey is unique and everyone must define their own deal breakers.

Regardless of your path. Know that you are not alone, that you and your feelings matter and that it will take a lot of time, hurt and tears to truly begin the process of healing.

I agree with the others that if the OM is married that his wife deserves to know. She does. As did you.

Your wife's attempt at harm can be a cry for help and also a dramatic display of "showing" you how sorry she is so you will forgive her faster. You will focus on her and helping her (which is okay) but you can't ignore yourself or your healing either.

Sorry to have you with us but we are here rooting you on.

Good luck and God bless.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 5:15 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

ConfusedTL posted 9/25/2013 10:16 AM

I am a little hesitant to tell the other BS. I know she needs to know, but we are trying to keep this quiet right now. I dont want my kids knowing yet and we definatly dont want our families to know yet. My wife has a public job that we do not want people knowing she did this. At least not till we find out if we can fix this or not.

Im afraid if the other BS knows that he's at it again it could get out and she could lose her job. So im hesitant about it.

She has the right to know. I know that its just a bit complicated too.

OK now posted 9/25/2013 10:42 AM

Your wife will understand that you will never fully believe that she was not intimate with the OM; the doubt will remain for the rest of your married lives. What a cross she has to bear; knowing that you will always question that she is a faithful wife. Doesn't matter if she didn't have sex with him; the doubt remains.

Since she is very religious it might be worth getting her to deliver an oath, [a really, intense devout oath], where she swears on the very names of all she holds dear; even automatic allocation to hell if she isn't truthful. I'm betting that she can't lie under these circumstances. Even I couldn't and I'm only faintly religious!

From a female perspective, I don't find it unusual that your wife may have had 4.5 months of petting without going all the way. Loyalty to her family and strong beliefs are a considerable barrier to adultery.

ConfusedTL posted 9/25/2013 12:06 PM

Thanks OK now. I think your right about her sleeping with him. Ive known my wife for 18 years been married 14 and i believe she truly would have had a hard time facing me if she had slept with him when she returned from it. So i dont really think she did, but the doubt is there and it will remain for awhile im sure.

Long Gone posted 9/25/2013 12:22 PM

Confused....

I hear you....but....

You ww most likely had sex with the OM. Mine was the same way....I never for once would have believed that would happen...but to get the emotional aspect...she gave him the full physical aspect. Regardless of what her past behaviors have reflected...morals and beliefs go out the window when it comes to an affair.

Just prepare yourself...for trickle truth....
I knew from the get go that sex had happened....but the extent of it took a period of 3 months to come.

kannan posted 9/27/2013 11:03 AM

Since she is very religious it might be worth getting her to deliver an oath,

I have read about religious cheaters swearing they didnt have sex, with Bible and even their childrens life, So for cheaters to save their ass they will swear on anything.

Why cant you ask her for a polygraph? If she is really telling the truth then its a good oppurtunity to prove herself. Ask her for a poly and see her reaction, it will give you a clue. If she agrees, do it, it may give you some hope. She may spill the beans at parking lot (parking lot confessions).

Two cheaters who are mutually attracted get together at an Isolated place and they only did what she said is not believable to me.

[This message edited by kannan at 11:03 AM, September 27th (Friday)]