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rmrsflhsbnd posted 9/23/2013 15:47 PM

I am trying hard to listen to what my wife needs and I am doing my best to give it to her. My issue seems to be that all the action I take is at her request and she has noticed this. I need to take some initiative of my own to show her that I really want things to work out between us. Usually when I am passionate about something or really interested in something I do a lot of research on it and talk about it a lot. She seems to feel that I don’t have the same drive when it comes to reconciliation. I do have the same drive, but maybe she is right maybe I have not been as proactive as I could be. I want to reassure her that I want to stay married and that I am willing to do the work. I started to think about it and one of the things I do when I am really interested in something is try to reach out to somebody that is familiar with whatever the topic is. So this is me reaching out to anybody (BS's included)that can offer me any advice, tips, warnings, encouragement, or any other help in taking some positive action towards reconciliation.

We were both in marriage counseling for a couple months, she is currently in IC and I will be in IC by the end of the week.

Jrazz posted 9/24/2013 12:45 PM

I recommend the book "The Five Love Languages." as a way to learn about your BS's needs.

If you both read it together and discuss what resonates with you, that might give you a head start on giving her what she needs without being asked.

For example, if gifts are her love languages maybe you can surprise her with flowers, or coffee, or a gift card to her favorite place. If acts of service speak to her, perhaps taking over laundry for the weekend or offering a massage.

LifeisCrazy posted 9/24/2013 13:19 PM

You sound like a logical person who researches things that are important to you. So, go ahead - do some research.

Here's something I did with my wife that paid off in a million different ways...

Throughout the next few days, make a list of a hundred questions to ask her. About everything. Here are a few that I asked...

1. Why is your favorite color yellow?
2. What makes you proudest about our daughters?
3. What would you say about your Dad if he died tomorrow?
4. What is it about the beach that you love so much?

Etc.

Make some serious. Make some simple. Ask questions that you REALLY want to know about her. It's ok to ask a sexual question - throw in "What's your favorite position and why?" if you want to be silly. It's ok. Cover a lot of bases.

Ask 10 of them once or twice a week for a month or so.

Then.... LISTEN! I mean, really listen. Sit in bed, or on the couch, and look her right in the eyes as she answers. Nod your head. Be present. Understand what she's saying. Don't talk over her, interrupt or correct her. Just. Be. Present.

Research her. Understand her. Let her feel loved. And valued. And appreciated. And let her see - through your actions - that you care enough to connect with her in a way that is deeper than any affair.

What a BS wants, I believe, is to feel important again.

Just my 2 cents.

jrr111800 posted 9/24/2013 14:32 PM

I couldn’t agree more with lifeiscrazy, our BS want to feel important again, that they are the most important person in your life, that nothing trumps your attention towards her, NOTHING, not work, sports, kids etc… We need to be intentional in the way we show her how we are working to repair our eff up.
A few things I have begun to do- and should have done all along.
I write a love note on the bathroom mirror every morning.
I text her “I love you” before 8am every morning from work.
I try really hard to call her atleast once during the day just to tell her I miss her.
I hug her at every chance I get---Kisses too..I make her let go first.
I constanstly remind her how much I love
I stop whatever I am doing to listen---even it is not good or she is triggering
I try and keep my mouth shut----needs work still.
Be intentional all the time.
I suggest if you can you plan a weekend alone with your BS and focus on her, ride the wave, cry together, cuddle, laugh bring up stories that made you fall in love with her. Again, I can’t stress enough be INTENTIONAL. This may help her see you are trying.
Good luck
Edited because I can't spell..javascript:AddSmily('%20%20')

[This message edited by jrr111800 at 2:34 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

2B1again posted 9/24/2013 17:24 PM

Get the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A compact Manual for the Unfaithful". Regardless of how many books or posts you have read this is a short(86 page) concise and clear manual that will can ensure that you don't mess up your sincerest apologies or efforts.

Simple posted 9/25/2013 16:38 PM

We read together books like "five love languages" and took the quiz at the end too. A good activity.

Another thing that I felt was really good in our R is that my FWS would list everything (verbally) at the end of the day or week or during triggers, what he has done so far to better himself and find out about himself so that A doesn't happen again. He even listed additional things that can be added to the list of boundaries that I started so that can serve as a watchdog for him too.

I hope this helps.

[This message edited by Simple at 4:39 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

thecosmogirl posted 9/25/2013 22:41 PM

Lifeiscrazy and jrrr111800 (hope I got those right) both are great :)
Super advice to take into consideration I think as a BS.

About the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal.....bought it for him, he read it and then bitched that he was doing everything right according to that book and I still wasn't happy.....Gee bonehead, why would i be "happy" right now?? sorry I digress
I have not read it myself as I'm reading a bunch of other books so, not sure but plan to read it soon.

Good wishes to you!!

JustDesserts posted 9/26/2013 06:26 AM

3. What would you say about your Dad if he died tomorrow?

@Lifeiscrazy:

I might tweak this to "If you were introducing your Dad at an awards ceremony, what would you say?"

The "if your dad died" hypothetical might be found upsetting by some.

JD

Neznayou posted 9/26/2013 07:22 AM

I agree, rmrsflhsbnd; it is important to take initiative. If I spend my time following my BH's lead, then it only demonstrates that I'm willing to follow him. I now (not always, because I'm a work in progress) act on my ideas instead of just thinking about them or asking him if he thinks it's a good idea. Imagine standing in front of the greeting cards at the store. Don't over think which one to buy and talk yourself out of buying any; just buy the damn card! The action shows that you are listening to BS's needs and attempting to meet them. Even if it feels clumsy or you miss the mark from time to time, actions really do speak louder than words, especially when we WS have so much to make up for.

We did read The Five Love Languages. We found it very helpful. The one summary statement that I took from it was the advice to think back to when you were dating/ courting/ engaged. What did you do or how did you spend your time that made your SO think, "I found me a keeper"? That is a clear insight into your love language.

We also have copies of Love Busters, Love Makers, and the accompanying handbook.

For many of us, money is an issue. If your child were hit by a car, would you spare any expense to save his life? My BH and our relationship are more important. Financially the pinch is on, but we spare no expense in saving our marriage (time or money).

LA44 posted 9/26/2013 07:45 AM

rmrsflhsbnd, not too far into your question I was saying to myself, the Five Love Languages which others have mentioned as well.

My LL is Gifts and words of Affirmation. I don't need expensive gifts - when he brings me my fav coffee or magazine I just love that. It says, "I know you."

I really like Lifeiscrazy's question idea too!

Hope this helps. All the best to you and your wife.
LA

LifeisCrazy posted 9/26/2013 08:48 AM

The "if your dad died" hypothetical might be found upsetting by some.

Probably right - was just trying to remember off the top of my head some of the questions I asked. Oh well - you get the point.

Not to totally T/J but I did want to mention something else. I am a BS - and I asked those questions of my wife. I suggested it here as an idea for a WS but it doesn't really matter.

The reason I did is because, in general, it is SO apparent that communication is so poor in SO many relationships. The questions I asked were a range, some real deep, some real basic. But they opened up a line of communication with my wife that did a whole lot of things for us.

First off (and not to be sexist in any way) but women like it when their husbands ask things about them - and then REALLY listen. It made my wife feel special.

"Wow! My husband took the time to create this long list!" And, remember, the questions could only have been made by ME, not her AP. He wouldn't know why I asked her the importance of her saying a goodnight poem to our daughter - he never saw her do that! She recognized that it was my history with her that allowed me to come up with these personal, insightful questions.

Then, it forced me to listen. Really listen. Not to interrupt (like I am prone to do) and HEAR what she had to say - something that, unfortunately, she found in a willing AP :(

I look back on what is becoming a very successful reconciliation and see a few things that really made the difference. Her total and 100% remorse and turnaround. And my learning to be present and understanding of her needs.

I truly hope the above helps somebody - including the OP. As well all know (or are finding out) communication is key.