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Focus? Can't do It!

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FoggedIn posted 9/23/2013 15:51 PM

I find myself completely unable to focus at work. Today has been about 50%, which is not acceptable when you own a business.

It seems like my focus is worse when we go several days avoiding issues. I realize that talking about my WH's A daily is not reasonable, but we went to MC on Thursday and have yet to really discuss what was discussed in MC. I mentioned to WH that I would like to set aside some time to 'debrief' (as per our MC recommendation). But it hasn't happened.

Even after a horrible day last week, when I finally read WH's answers to the questions I had asked, I seemed to be able to focus more at work the following day. It seem counter intuitive to assume I could clear my head after such an intense day/night. But that's how it works for me. I guess when we go days avoiding A discussions, then my head builds up with all of this information, feelings & questions that I can't seem to shake until we do talk.

Anybody else feel this way when they aren't communicating? It's not that we don't talk at all, we do, discuss kids, house, daily activities without a problem, but the A is avoided.

Even when I had a rough night on Saturday (bawling, couldn't breathe, etc) although he does what he can when I'm a mess, we still didn't have a discussion.

It just feels worse when I can't address what I'm feeling, or when I have to wait days and days to.

Ugh, I know I'm less than 2 months from Dday, but I just need a breather from all this emotion and head clogging thought!

iwillNOT posted 9/23/2013 17:31 PM

FoggedIn, I feel similarly. I have found that if We don't at least acknowledge the situation somehow, every day, it builds and builds and I feel much worse very quickly.
It doesn't even have to be a big discussion. I have just been trying to share my feelings and thoughts as they occur, since I noticed this pattern.

For example- I had (another) nightmare that I remembered in the morning. Instead of ignoring it and pushing on with my day and letting it send me into a downward spiral, I told my husband about it. Cried a little. Listened to him tell me how sorry he was. Felt much better.

Really, how could your focus not be off, if so much mental space is being taken up by all the affair stuff. And if you need to talk about it daily, to clear some room in your brain, why should you not? It doesn't have to be a 2 hour conversation.

He did this to you, it's on him to listen and help if he can.

Lowlow posted 9/23/2013 17:48 PM

I'm seven months past DD and I still think about my WH's A daily. We discuss it daily. He is reminded of it daily. Is your WS in IC? Are you? These, in addition to MC, have been helpful for us.

Not talking about it for days on end is rugsweeping. This stuff eats you alive, but if your WS is reluctant to debrief after MC, this is a huge problem in recovery for both of you.

In my case, we talk about it less now, but it is acknowledged by my WH daily even today. It did take him a while to get here though. He was reluctant to talk for the first three to four months for fear of hurting my feelings or reopening his feelings for AP. He has learned he cannot shy away from this any longer. it hurts him just as much as it hurts me. I hope your WS begins to realize this.

For me, concentration at work was nearly impossible for the first 3 months. That happened to coincide with my WH's realization that hiding stuff from me actually contributes to further hurt. It wasn't until I hit rock bottom that he finally got it.

Seven months out, concentration at work is much better, but I bet the A crosses my mind every single hour. I have been told it gets better. I hold on to that!

[This message edited by Lowlow at 5:54 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]

solus sto posted 9/23/2013 18:16 PM

I am sure it's not what you want to hear, but my concentration was profoundly affected---for a good year and a half or so. I lost a great deal of work as a result.

I'm 3.5 years out now, and clear-headed.

But my days as a successful freelancer nearly ended as a result of my husband's infidelity. In a crappy economy, that was disastrous. Thankfully, I was able to get an outside job (a miracle in and of itself, given my age and the number of years I freelanced).

Buckle in. It's a long, arduous ride.

Ashland13 posted 9/23/2013 18:21 PM

I don't know if it helps any-it didn't help me, LOL-but two counselors had suggestions for me on this.

They suggested rather than try to avoid the subject, to put a timer on it. Like when I would dwell on the A or OW, they said to work on putting a period of time each day aside and then find a way to let it go.

One of them had a thought I did like about it, saying that the more we force it out of mind, the more it might be agitating.

The MC we had said the same thing about discussions, to put some kind of timer on them and even choose one area at a time. Even if it doesn't get solved or completely put away, it can be a start and some way to organize. If things get heated, she said, like the old computers, abort, retry, fail -and start again...always, always, start again.

Lowlow posted 9/23/2013 19:48 PM

Good idea, Ashland! Thanks for posting it. I'm going to try it. I'm still struggling. It's been my least productive research summer ever. Bloody WS and his A,

FoggedIn posted 9/24/2013 12:51 PM

I should count myself lucky not to have to deal with an OW or NC. Since his ONS was with a hooker!! Although it doesn't keep me from thinking about her & what opposites we are visually. That she was younger than me (I'm already 15 years younger than WH, but she was at least 20 years younger than him) I'm 5'5" 105lbs, short blonde hair. She was 140lb (by WH estimate) long black hair.
Is that what he likes? Someone that doesn't look anything like me??? Or with a hooker, you get what you get & aren't picky?

See I can't shut this &$@#|{ mind off!

We had a chance to talk last night (kids gone for a couple hours) but for some reason I couldn't talk, didn't want to, to emotionally exhausted.......I don't even know!!!
I came her complaining we hadn't talked & then I pass up a chance to talk!!! Confused ya think????

But I agree that I need to bring things up as I'm feeling them & stop waiting for the "right" time. Also setting a time limit for smaller discussions is a good idea, thank you for that!!

kiki1 posted 9/24/2013 14:36 PM

What if you write them down Fogged In, until you have the opportunity to discuss them with your h?

At least get them out of your head??

ugh, i know, it sucks.


WIgirl posted 9/24/2013 15:04 PM

I have the same's like I don't want to talk about it every day, but if we go too long, I get really anxious and upset and unsettled. And then end up lashing out at him. It's a vicious cycle. I don't know what the right balance is.

Last we week we sent email messages and that was actually a good outlet for both of us. We're both introverted and express ourselves better in writing. Our MC said that was just fine to do it that long as we also talked about it at the end of the week. Unfortunately we're stuck right now in the middle of an 8 day family visit...sigh.

FoggedIn posted 9/24/2013 19:08 PM

WI girl....

Seriously don't you wish the whole world would just stop so you can deal with this mess??

It's like when it rains it pours!! My MIL best friend died last weekend, my aunt is losing her battle with cancer, probably only has weeks left, DS #1 at Mayo for reg checkup (severe food allergies) & they discovered a mass that has to be removed: surgery tomorrow. We're keeping his daughter while he & his fiancé at Mayo, only supposed to be 3 days (fiancé freaking out about leaving their 1 year old for so long) turning into a week, can't be with him because we need to watch the baby. 16 yr old DS skipping class, work stress!!

OMG, can't it all stop??? All this other stuff going on just keeps me from talking about A because I know WH is stressed about other things. (Why I care & don't make him put our M 1st, I have no idea!!) after what he's done I still protect him! Stupid!!!!

But putting things in writing could be helpful. I finally did put questions about the ONS in writing & he finally answered. Of course his answers caused more questions I haven't asked!

Lord I don't want to be in this mess!!!

inca posted 9/24/2013 20:41 PM

Totally normal. I could barely work for a good 6 months. I did work, and it was a welcome respite, but it was tough.

Now I seem to be in the opposite mode, I have thrown myself into work.

I would go easy on yourself and give yourself some time to think about your situation each day and even read about it and or post about it. I literally read every book on As and I created an extensive timeline and analyzed the amount of time and money spent by my H on As. It felt a little obsessive but I read it was normal and it matched the attention I had - I could really only focus on As. I own my own business too and it suffered but I gave myself permission because it was where I was at and what I needed to do. Maybe someone at work can help, or you can delegate a little? Take care, it will pass.

[This message edited by inca at 8:42 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

FoggedIn posted 9/25/2013 10:05 AM


I too put together a timeline. Much shorter than yours since my WH had a ONS with an 'escort'. But putting together the entire list of communication for the day (emails, texts, etc) was very necessary for me, and also extremely difficult!

Seeing his communication with me and her literally at the exact same time throughout the day was difficult. Knowing that I was in his conscious thought while he told her what he wanted to do to her, is tough to comprehend!!!

I'm just trying to focus long enough to meet deadlines at this point. Sometimes it works, others, not so much!

This is so much harder than any WS would ever know or comprehend!

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