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Did he sexually assault me? Tmi warning

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Sorceress posted 9/23/2013 17:07 PM

Hi.

Please relocate this topic if it doesn't belong here.

Some people will remember the back story. In a nutshell, ex cheated on me for two years with a best friend, then when he was "proving" his remorse he was arrested and eventually sent to jail for sleeping with a minor.

Fast forward to today. Complete NC with him. Looking through my old diaries trying to find references to when I was trying to fall pregnant with my daughter ( my sister is trying and wanted some fertility treatment info)- I got absorbed in reading. I always have kept diaries, I pour my thoughts and experiences into them.

I'm concerned. I'm actually wondering now if what my ex did to me classes as sexual assault? We were in a relationship- does that change things? Sometimes I didn't say no but you'd think the tears and the rigid body would have spoken volumes. After my daughter was born he would regularly grab me by the wrist and pull me up the stairs when she was asleep after a feed. I had an exceptionally traumatic birth, lost a lot of blood and had tons of stitches. I was very weak. I could barely stand without being dizzy or vomiting. There's no way I could have resisted. He would make me sit on the bed and he would stand in front of me and demand a hand job or oral sex from me. If I said I was tired or didn't want to, he would make me feel guilty that I was so "messed up" down there from birthing "the baby YOU wanted" and he couldn't do what he wanted yet so I would have to satisfy him this way. Maybe he was punishing me for being unable to continue his A directly after I had our daughter. When she was four weeks old he suggested we try full intercourse. I said no then. When she was four weeks and four days old, he started kissing me and trying to give me a massage to "make me feel better." I was happy. I wanted to feel better. It ended with him pinning me on the floor and penetrating me and me crying and biting my lip and saying "please stop, it really hurts!" He kept saying "no, you'll relax in a minute" and then "you're really killing the mood." I didn't forget this. I just didn't think about it again. I was so unwell and finding myself very unsupported living miles away from anyone I loved. I guess I imagined the way I felt was me overreacting from hormones or something. Seeing it all in my shaky handwriting later that night......ugh, I wanted to throw up!

Then a later entry in my diary details me going to meet a male friend for coffee and him calling me upstairs when I got home and waiting for me with no clothes on, behind a door!? Which he then slammed and called me horrible names, accusing me of sleeping with my friend, asking me if I'd washed his sperm away yet. I was saying "this is crazy, I've never cheated" and he just pulled my trousers off and forced me down and- well....you can guess. I don't want to put too much detail because it makes me feel terrible but the diaries are detailed. After this incident, I told him I hadn't wanted that at all, he should have stopped when I told him to and he said "so, what you're claiming now is that I raped you?! Give me a break!!" And laughed. Am I being really over sensitive here? And if I'm not, should I do something? Because wont it look weird that I didn't say anything before?! Anyone who can offer me advice, even if its to tell me to stop being so over dramatic, please- I invite you to comment before I overanalyse too much.

h0peless posted 9/23/2013 17:13 PM

What you wrote made me feel sick. yes, that's sexual assault. No real man would ever treat a woman, much less the mother of his child, like that. Nobody has the right to force themselves on you, regardless of your relationship status. What you described is definitely rape. Brutal, in fact.

MediumRare posted 9/23/2013 17:13 PM

Sexual assault or not, at the very minimum this is traumatic and abusive behavior to the extreme.

You WILL suffer damages from such abusive and disgusting behavior from an alleged "loved" one.

Are you in IC Sorceress? I'd strongly suggest this for all the hell you've been through with this "man" (hate to call him that from what you have described). At the same time, a good IC can help you recount these events clearer in such a way that may make a sexual assault charge easier to obtain and prosecute at your discretion.

So sorry you had to go through this! Good luck to you!

imagoodwitch posted 9/23/2013 17:15 PM

That is really horrible, I think it qualifies as assault.

Sorceress posted 9/23/2013 17:19 PM

No I'm not in IC- I've got a lovely relationship now and I'm happy in my life.....it was finding these diary entries that I never forgot I wrote but it was like reminding myself they were there- If that makes any sense? There were parts in them that I had forgotten, mainly because they're so disturbing and so close to being pure evil that I don't think I would have been able to function with them in my head.

Nobody would believe me if I told because he'd produce intimate photographs he still has of me, despite requests to return them and intimate letters I wrote him at the start of our relationship and use them to defame my character- he did it to his ex wife. I know he would do it.

StillLivin posted 9/23/2013 17:21 PM

OMG, I'm sick and disgusted by what you wrote.
YES, it was RAPE!
It is compounded that it was by someone who was supposed to protect you and treasure you. Not just as his wife, but as the mother of his child.
I'm sorry. I cannot imagine my STBXH ever doing something so heinous!
I just ate lunch so I'm now a little nauseous.

MediumRare posted 9/23/2013 17:25 PM

Well, you know you best Sorceress... it just seems to me to be such a terrible, terrible weight to carry on your shoulders, especially alone! These kinds of things can sometimes have elusive impacts on ourselves in our day to day lives.

And actually, him storing 'intimate' photographs to use as blackmail actually would help in your case. It almost always goes hand in hand with that kind of manipulation, sexual assault and abuse.

I'm so very sorry you had to endure that kind of abusive relationship! And I hope you will take care of yourself to help cope/heal from such events.

Good luck!

Nature_Girl posted 9/23/2013 18:03 PM

Yes, what you've described is rape. And yes, that he would blackmail you to prevent you from reporting it is evidence of his guilt. It would help your case, although you would have to deal with the embarrassment. A good IC would be able to help you with that.

solus sto posted 9/23/2013 18:10 PM

My stomach dropped, reading your descriptions.

Sexual assault while healing from a traumatic birth---OMG, that sounds horrendous.

In my book (and I have some background with this, as a rape victim advocate---and also as a victim who did not recognize the violation as rape at the time, perhaps because--like you--it occurred at a time when acknowledgement of it as such would have caused me to come unglued at a time when I could not afford to do so), this was rape. Pure, unadulterated rape.

And I am so very sorry you endured this.

I am glad he is out of your life.

I don't think you're over-analyzing. I suspect you've reached a point in your healing where you have become able to examine these things for what they were, so that you can process them and move forward constructively.

Our minds do tend to mete out trauma in manageable bytes.

Sorceress, don't hesitate to get help with this. Time has passed, but counseling is appropriate even long after the fact. An experienced trauma counselor is worth his/her weight in gold.

Millions of hugs to you.

ETA: Dealing with this constructively does not in ANY way have to involve him. I would strongly recommend that, whether you choose to address it criminally or not, you DO address it with a therapist.

[This message edited by solus sto at 6:13 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]

Jrazz posted 9/23/2013 18:10 PM

Honey, you're not overthinking or overanalyzing. You were absolutely assaulted. It breaks my heart how many times I've heard people wonder if being in a relationship means it's not rape. Any time you are forced or coerced against your will it is assault.

You did NOTHING wrong. You were vulnerable and confused. I'd love to see you get some support for this - it is too great a weight to carry on your own.

Please remember that you didn't do anything to deserve this, and you are not to blame. You deserve compassion and support for what you have been through.

(((Sorceress)))

SisterMilkshake posted 9/23/2013 18:10 PM

(((Sorceress))) I am so sorry. How very horrible and disturbing. Your WSO is truly a sick, sick man. I hope he was sentenced to a very long prison term.

I would classify what he did as sexual assualt, Sorceress.

tushnurse posted 9/23/2013 18:28 PM

First f all this was Rape. This was non consensual sex. He's lucky he's still around, meaning if someone had done that to me and any of my loved ones found out they would murder him.

He had absolute control over you and you are an abused woman. That's why you are afraid to do or say anything. Who the F cares if he has intimate photos of you. You were his wife it's not like you didn't have sex, I think that's a given so he has pics of you naked, giving a bj, or whatever unless your screwing a horse no one and I mean no one will give a rip and if they do they lead really boring lives.

You need to contact your local woman's shelter find support groups for rape and domestic violence. These are free and you are with women who have shared experiences. They are all at different stages of healing. Rely on friends and family for love and support. Do not be ashamed, be proud that you did your best but you can't fix that level of fucked up. Find peace in that.

Honey you deserve oh so much more. Share this with your new partner. He deserves to know. This will effect your relationship and of you ever trigger he will know why.

(((( and strength ))))

StillStanding1 posted 9/23/2013 18:33 PM

This is absolutely heartbreaking.... The pure cruelty of it. My heart absolutely goes out to you.

I never cease to be stunned and amazed at the hurt that some people are able to inflict on people they are supposed to cherish and love.

(((sorceress)))

StillGoing posted 9/23/2013 18:53 PM

What that man did is vile and repugnant. I don't see how it isn't assault. I'm sorry you had to suffer that.

openedupmyeyes posted 9/23/2013 19:00 PM

This ^^^^^^^^ and everything said before. Omg. Yes this is rape. I'm so very sorry this happened to you.

Hope2B posted 9/23/2013 19:04 PM

I am so sorry to read about this, and your pain.

In my opinion, it was rape, and it was also sadistic. That scares me for you! You are not being overly dramatic at all, as you recall these events.

I was so glad to read you have NC with him. Please seek counseling for the rape and the other issues that are wrapped up with it.

JanaGreen posted 9/23/2013 19:41 PM

Yes, rape, along with verbal, psychological, and physical abuse.

I'm so terribly sorry.

OK now posted 9/23/2013 19:47 PM

What a pig.
Make this experience harden your heart a little. Let no man disrespect and abuse you in this manner ever again and insist on courtesy and appropriate behavior in your relationships.

UnexpectedSong posted 9/23/2013 20:03 PM

Sorceress - Even your posts before were indicative of sexual assault. Your diaries are only confirming this fact.

NaiveAgain posted 9/23/2013 20:05 PM

(((Sorceress)))
I'm so sorry.

We were in a relationship- does that change things?
No. No means no, even when you are married or in a relationship. You ALWAYS have the right to say no, no matter who or when. In fact, you can be in the middle of sex and start to feel uncomfortable and you have the right to stop it at that point also.

Sometimes I didn't say no but you'd think the tears and the rigid body would have spoken volumes
Your ex is a sick man. I am sure he knew what he was doing. His pushing sex on you when you were not comfortable with it is a power and torment game. You were vulnerable and he took advantage. I'm so sorry.

I agree with getting a counselor to work thru this. You may feel like it isn't bothering you, but that type of trauma will sit inside until you are able to confront it and work thru the trauma. Make sure your counselor has experience with sexual/psychological abuse. A good experienced counselor will not push you to deal with anything you are not ready to, but the fact that reading your diary has brought back the old feelings and thoughts says that you have some healing to do yet on this.

I'm so sorry. No one deserves to be treated the way he treated you, and I am so glad you are away from him. Is the new guy understanding of any issues or emotions you have that may be triggered by this stuff?

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