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BlindHeart88 posted 9/23/2013 20:46 PM

Today I found out my husband of 4 years cheated on me with his ex girlfriend. Her bf didn't trust her and followed her, therefore I have pictures. My husband initially denied it then he admitted his mistake and has apologized and is begging for us to have another chance. He swears it was only one time but how do I believe anything now? If he was not my husband I would be gone but because I thought I would spend the rest of my life with this man (we recently started trying for a baby) as of now I want to try and work things out. I don't know where to start... I can't imagine this feeling of pain ever going away. He sent her a text to never contact him again (along with my text of 'wisdom' to her) and now I am faced with us having to take an std test. I have been crying almost non stop and now he's getting upset that during the past 2 hours I have been scouring the Internet for words of wisdom from others who understand my heartache. If we're going to try and work things out I don't want to involve our friends and family as I don't want any resentment to linger if I stay with this man. Honestly, things look pretty dismal and I don't know how I can move forward. He can't even answer me 'why' all he says is 'he let his guard down'. He is not a touchy feely guy and I don't know how much support I will get from him. I hope with all my heart we can save our marriage but I just don't know...where do I start putting the pieces back together??

Merlin posted 9/23/2013 21:10 PM

Today has been an awful moment in time for you. Take a breath and find what composure you are able to. Even that will not be easy.

Most of what you believed in, counted on and hoped for has been shaken at its foundations. And there is a long and uncertain road before you now.

Luckily, this place has many resources and many more very good people that are on that same road.

Spend time in the 'healing library' to start. Write and read here.

More importantly, find help locally. I don't know what you think about individual counseling (ICH) in the local parlance. I never thought much of it. It did and does play a role in my life now. Someone outside your situation and circle can be an important support means in times like these. So think about it.

Know that this is not your fault or the result of anything you did or did not do. 'This' has to do with very bad decisions on the part of your husband.

People here care. You have found a good place.

[This message edited by Merlin at 9:11 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]

iwillNOT posted 9/23/2013 21:16 PM


I am so sorry you are in this situation. I know you are totally traumatized right now; just breathe, remember to try to eat, drink, and rest as best you can. You have had a major shock and you must try to care for yourself. focus on YOU and whatever you need.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but the pain does get better.

I know others will be along soon with more wisdom to share. I am 6 weeks out from Dday and this site was/is a lifesaver, hopefully for you too.

Keep reading. Keep posting.

h0peless posted 9/23/2013 21:45 PM

I'm so sorry you're here. Know that the pain you're feeling right now will fade but that it takes some time. Please remember to drink water, eat whatever you can and stock up on protein shakes.

We're here if you need us.

topperoff22 posted 9/23/2013 22:04 PM

Thinking of you. My husband slept with his ex girlfriend. We'd been married 11 years and together 14. IT's only two months since I discovered it all.It's like a nightmare almost everyday, but it is getting a little better as he is going to counseling with me(he asked me to) and is talking with our pastor, doing everything I'm giving me all the information I ask (well...we have had a couple more lying incidents where I've had to drag crap out of him...but he's spent most of his life lying so tis is going to be a looong journey.) My husband also insists it happened once. I don't believe him but have no way to know for sure.

Somedays I feel OK and glad we are trying to save this marriage and other days (like my birthday last week) I just sit and bawl and bawl and bawl and wonder when these feelings will ever go away or if they will. He has asked me if it would be better if we just divorced. The ex is seven states away and he has no interest in being with her, he claims. I told him that even a divorce brings pain and it will never erase what he has done to me.

I'm thinking of you...try to find a marriage counselor. If you are a person of faith go to your pastor and ask for prayer for all of this. Look for support but I agree with your decision to not share with family in case you decide to stay together. You won't want them trying to pressure you on way or another from anger or hurt they feel for you. My family was great and supportive no matter what, but not all families are and may totally hate him for what he's done to you.

I am thinking of you and highly recommend the book After the Affair and another one called Not "just friends" by Shirley (or Sheila?) Glass. Both will describe your emotions and assure you thatyou are not going crazy when you might feel like beatig him and hugging him and crying all at the same time.

I wish you didn't have to go through what we are all going through,but there are people here to talk to you...hang in there

Skan posted 9/24/2013 10:50 AM

Welcome. I'm glad that you found us for support but very sorry that you had the reason to come looking for us. There's a lot of people here who have walked in your footprints. We dreadfully do, understand.

now he's getting upset that during the past 2 hours I have been scouring the Internet for words of wisdom from others who understand my heartache.

Forgive my bluntness, but tough shit. When you throw a nuclear bomb on the house that is called your marriage, you do NOT get to be upset that the survivor is walking around with their skin hanging off in burned strips. Your body and mind are reacting from TRAMA. Just as if you were hit by a bus. Your body and mind are in absolute shock right now. You need support and unfortunately, the one person in the world that WAS supposed to have your back and be the soft place for you to fall, drove the bus right into you. He doesn't get to bitch that you are lying in a bloody heap from the bus he drove over you.

he admitted his mistake ... all he says is he let his guard down

Again, bluntly, the above is a crock of shit. He didn't make a "mistake." He made a DELIBERATE CHOICE to go screw someone else. A mistake is when you put on one black and one brown sock in the dark and go to work. It's an oopsie. He CHOSE to get in contact with his ex, he CHOSE to meet with her, and he CHOSE to screw her. He CHOSE to lie to you. He CHOSE to put your health at risk. He CHOSE to turn his back on your marriage. And, as you are in the process of trying to have a baby, he CHOSE to put that BABY'S life at risk.

All of the above isn't an oopsie, a mistake. It was a deliberate decision and choice to do what he did. Never let him minimize what he has done.

(((hugs))) I am so very sorry. This is just horrible stuff. It's totally unfair to hit you with all of this when you're still on the ground trying to see if your broken body can actually function or not. We know how hard it is. We've been there too. You can and will survive this, and we will give you all of the help and support we can. Please come back often to cry, vent, and be supported.

1Faith posted 9/24/2013 17:47 PM

My stomach is in knots for you right now. Your pain pours off the screen.

I am so sorry you are suffering like this, but I want to assure will get better. You will be OK perhaps just not for a very long time.

You have already taken the first step to healing, you reached out for support. You found a very safe place full of very compassionate people that know exactly what you're going through. We've all been where you are now and most of us have made it out the other side.

I hope you share the rest of your story.

I also hope your WH will start to come to his senses and will do the hard work and heavy lifting that is required to repair the immense damage he has done.

For now, please take good care of you.

The shock of infidelity can cause PTSD. It takes such a heavy toll on the betrayed. What you're feeling is normal, awful but normal. Sometimes it takes months to begin to process it all.

Do what you need to do to heal yourself. Be kind to you now. If you can go to IC, it helps a lot.

Please remember - it is your WH's job to fix himself. You can't fix him because you didn't break him. You did nothing wrong.

With time, you can work together to fix your relationship and save your marriage if that is what you decide you want. You don't have to make that decision right now. And just know that any decision you make, you will most likely second guess a hundred times. This will drive you crazy but is completely normal. It is.

I don't want any resentment to linger if I stay with this man

Please note that there is no fast tracking healing. You will resent him and you should. He betrayed you. Don't stuff down your feelings to make things "okay" as they will just erupt further down the road. Be honest with yourself, your feelings and your husband.

Your WH needs to get into IC to do some serious soul searching on why he allowed himself to make a conscious choice to cheat.

Check in with the BF to see if he knows if it was more than once. It's possible but unlikely. Rarely are the WS 100% honest in the beginning. They are still trying to minimize what they have done and protect themselves for further embarrassment. (Although many will say it is to spare the BS of any additional hurt...don't buy it)

You start by taking a deep breath. Collecting your thoughts and defining your boundaries.

This is time for you to define what you will and won't put up with.

Time for husband to buckle up for the rollercoaster ride of emotions he's placed you both on.

Good luck and know we are here for you. You will be okay, I promise.

Good luck and prayers.

sailorgirl posted 9/24/2013 21:28 PM


I just wanted to say I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I hope you're able to get some sleep tonight.

Betrayal hurts so bad, emotionally and physically. I remember how my heart would race and I struggled to breathe and I got nauseated. It's all normal. It's like you've been hit by a truck, and once some time goes by you'll start to stabilize.

It's possible that you're going to go through what we call Hysterical Bonding or HB, when you really want to have sex to reclaim your spouse and prove that what you had was awesome. Just beware of that because you'll want STD results first, and you'll want to make sure you don't get pregnant on top of this trauma. HB can be a good thing, though.

My biggest suggestion would be for your H to go to a counselor. He needs to figure out why he threw away his integrity, broke his wedding vows, and betrayed his wife. "I let my guard down" is bullshit. That's like "Oops, I swore in front of my grandma." That doesn't work for adultery.

Irishar posted 9/24/2013 21:46 PM

I understand what you are going through... take it minute by minute for now then hour by hour then day by day. It hurts like heck but it will get better. The best advise I got was don't make any permanent decisions now. Take your time... look after your needs. Getting a counsellor helped me as it gave me a person to bounce my thoughts off of and to give me an unprejudiced opinion. Hugs

BlindHeart88 posted 9/24/2013 22:14 PM

Thank you everyone for your encouraging words. He sent me flowers to work today with a note of apology. As if.... I went to dinner with my friends tonight and drank more than I should to forget my problems and on my way home all I can think about was the ugly deed. I don't know how we can go back to where we were. We've both made doctor appointments at this point and now I'm even embarrassed to tell my gyno 'ummm. Yes, I'm here because my husband cheated so please give me the complete test'. He was such a big part of my life I feel like part of me died ( we were very close or so I thought). Maybe the reason I am hurting so bad is because I gave all of myself and I should've held back a bit. I don't trust myself anymore or how I should go forth. I love him, I don't know how I still do but this is torture. I always said if this ever happened to me I would just walk away. I truly want to work on this but how do I ever forget? Maybe it can get easier but I don't see how I can ever give that trust again.
I asked again today and I get the same response 'it's not bigger than you think it is, it has no meaning, I just made a bad decision and I messed up and I'm sorry'. Well, I'm sorry but I don't think that's good enough for me. And when he tried to act as if were the same old two people I can't reciprocate. I'm not ready to.
Please excuse my ranting but thank you to each and every one of you that took the time to write me.

Irishar posted 9/24/2013 22:29 PM

Rant away you need too. I agree that isn't a good enough answer you deserve the truth and hopefully he will be man enough to let you know the truth because yes you deserve it.

1Faith posted 9/25/2013 09:38 AM

I don't know how we can go back to where we were.

Gently, you can't. Don't even try. The marriage you thought you had is dead. You need to grieve it. It is gone.

You can rebuild and restart a different marriage. One that is based on honesty and truth. Transparency and better communication.

'it's not bigger than you think it is, it has no meaning, I just made a bad decision and I messed up and I'm sorry'

He doesn't get to define the impact this is having on you. It is BIG, really big. This isn't an argument or a fight. This is infidelity. This is cheating. This is the ultimate betrayal.

Again, he shouldn't minimize this to make himself feel better or to fast track the healing process and it is a process.

Something allowed him to make this choice. If he truly wants to reconcile and have a stronger marriage he has to figure out what this was.

Again, your WH needs to get into IC to do some serious soul searching on why he allowed himself to make a conscious choice to cheat.

Good luck and vent away. It helps.


[This message edited by 1Faith at 9:39 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

silentheart posted 10/7/2013 13:29 PM

I just found this site yesterday so I am a new member. I have been going through posts/threads to help me see and understand that I am not alone and it has helped. What I want to say to you is that I am very sorry for what you are going through. My D-day was July 12, 2012 and it has now been 14 months and some days it feels like I found out yesterday. I'm so glad that you found this site now vs. a year later like I did. I can tell that it will be of great support to you. I know how your heart if feeling and the thoughts going through your mind. You did not deserve this. I too suffered in silence b/c I didn't want to "mess up" his image to family and friends in case we reconciled for good. So although I understand it, it did not serve me well b/c I suffered in silence for over a year. Only in recent weeks did I seek counseling and thankfully found this site yesterday. Best of everything to you.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/7/2013 15:34 PM

I am so very sorry for you an the pain you are in. I do understand and I know how shaken and traumatized you are.
This is a wonderful place and we are all here to guide and support eachother.
This will not be easy, but feel free to come here and share. You will find many reaching out to help you.
My heart goes out to you at this very confusing time. I am at 9 weeks and I can say that for me, it is starting to calm down. I actually smiled for real today- and laughed a little. I know it does not feel like it now- but YOU will be okay. Don't worry about him right now. You have the right to let him fend for himself- take care if yourself.

Bigger posted 10/7/2013 16:12 PM

First the good news: Your marriage CAN recover from this. This site is living testament to that fact; it was founded and is managed, run (and probably mostly funded) by that same loving couple. There are MANY couples here that have survived.
But then… there are many people here that didn’t save their marriages. But those that stick around generally have escaped from infidelity – with or without their partners.

I don’t think any marriage can survive infidelity without the truth. And your husband is doing his best to avoid the truth…
For starters: He minimizes the affair. Skan addresses that issue in a great and clear way.
Then there is the “it happened only once”. Do you really think OW BF had reason to be suspicious if this was a one-off-just-by-chance-“mistake”?
Nah. OW BF had a reason to be suspicious due to some actions that led up to him becoming suspicious. The suspicion festers and grows until BF has a reason to see it through. So I find it extremely unlikely that this is a one-off, only once, non-planned “mistake”.

I’m not pointing this out to make things harder for you. If I noticed your house was on fire I wouldn’t be doing you any favors ignoring it would I? I’m pointing this out because the ONLY way out of infidelity is through the truth. If your husband can grasp that and follow it then and only then do you two have a chance. If he doesn’t… well… you are better off ending things now rather than trying to remember your user name here on in 2015.

topperoff22 posted 10/8/2013 08:17 AM

I already commented on this post...duh! Still keep hanging inthere!

[This message edited by topperoff22 at 8:18 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

MJane posted 10/8/2013 08:50 AM

Hang in there - like other posters have said SI is here to rant and vent to - I am only a month after Dday and am still in tatters but a little of the pain has gone from that first day. What everyone is saying about the need for truth and for your H to show real remorse (not regret but remorse - that he actually gets the pain and devastation he has caused) before you can heal. I have learned some things from this horrid experience - that despite feeling this is the biggest disillusionment ever and my heart being truly broken that I am still here, on good days I can see the beauty around me (fall leaves in evening sunlight) and that I will make it through this one way or another - I still haven't decided on whether to stay or go but like 1Faith says take it one day at a time - this is a horrid rollercoaster because your dreams are shattered but you are still seeing the man you planned those dreams with and part of you wants to still build them with him. Give it time as you need that - the best advice I got from all these warm people at SI was to take time for me these days and not make any life-changing decisions...also know that much as you may want to fix this (heaven knows I'd give anything to have that ability) - it takes two people and you cant make the efforts for him. he needs to respect the pain you are feeling and you need to be able to communicate it as what he did was and is thoughts are with you!

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