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stripper whore said I could

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tesla posted 9/23/2013 21:04 PM

Teslet got back from a weekend of funland and told me about this new game he got to play. Then he started talking about how he wanted me to come to dad's and play the game with him. And he wants to show me his bed over there and some poster up on the wall.

I told him that it wasn't my house and that I couldn't go inside but him telling me about it gave me a good picture.

Teslet says that it is ok because stripper whore said I could come inside and see the game and his room. He was very insistent that stripper whore said it was fine so the next time I come to pick him up then I can go inside.

WTF? I am not going into the bowels of chaos unless my dog is coming out with me. Somebody help me explain to Teslet how this works.

PurpleRose posted 9/23/2013 21:06 PM

Well yikes.

I got nothin.

FirstLoveGone posted 9/23/2013 21:25 PM

DD7 has asked the same. I just tell her it is not something I feel comfortable doing. This is one of my boundaries and she needs to accept it. She doesn't have to understand it, but she does have to accept it.

For her, that was an honest and straightforward answer. She has accepted that it's just something I refuse to do.

gonnabe2016 posted 9/23/2013 21:43 PM

Huh. I don't have much for you either.

On the one hand, it is really sweet that Teslet wants to include you in his life that way and wants you to see *his* stuff. Like a play-date. He wants to *include* you, kwim?

On the other hand, I can totally see how you want to run the other direction, as far, and as fast, as you can. Stepping foot into THAT menagerie? No thanks. ( they still have the rat?)

I guess if I have anything to offer at all, it's this. If you are adamantly opposed to this, how about if you suggest that Teslet tell you the name of the game and offer to buy one to keep at your house and ask him to take pictures of his bed and poster to share with you?

Now that I think about it, though....I agree with FLG. This is a situation that is just begging for a lesson in personal boundaries. "Teslet, just because <something> is okay with someone else, doesn't mean that it is okay with *me*. Stripper-whore may be okay with it, but I am not comfortable with that."

(edited to ask about the rat...)

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 9:44 PM, September 23rd (Monday)]

JamieMc posted 9/23/2013 22:31 PM

So sorry you are dealing with this fucking nonsense ! My WH tried to convince me that because he had only BJ's from 2 strippers/ hookers, that he hadn't really cheated because there was no vaginal sex, it wasn't "really cheating. ! Don't know about you but when I said my vows 25 years ago, I meant them! It I can help in any way don't hesitate to PM our respond to your thread. I am so sorry,none of us deserve this shitstorm All the best Jamie

newlysingle posted 9/23/2013 22:55 PM

My dd was hell bent on me and Hello Kitty being BFFs. She kept asking if Hello Kitty could come over and that I would like her so much, she's so nice, she's so pretty, ugh.

I finally told her that Hello Kitty would never be able to come to our house because she and daddy did some things to me that weren't very nice and really hurt my feelings. I said that I would never be friends with her, but that it was okay for dd to be her friend.

Maybe something along those lines. Just make it clear that you are not ever going to be friendly with ex-shat and stripper whore.

Feeling Consumed posted 9/24/2013 00:08 AM

Poor Tesla and all of you who have young kids who don't understand what is going on. That's got to be rough.

AussieMum posted 9/24/2013 00:27 AM

I have these issues too so I totally understand your discomfort at the thought of visiting their house.

DD (7) said yesterday 'isn't it funny mummy? You've never been to (OW3's)house and she's never been to ours!'

And it's going to stay that way! Hard to explain to the littlies why you can't be 'friends' and never want to be.

SBB posted 9/24/2013 01:36 AM

Ugh - why put you in that position?

Maybe your act is so good she believes it?

Perhaps he has assumed you don't go in there because they don't let you? Has it ever come up?

My girls have said similar things about dads house and I tend to "that's nice" it but when pushed I have said "no that's daddy's house sweetie - I only like going to my house and <list of all of the other houses we go to together>" and leave it at that.

They know we are not friends. When asked why I've used the analogy of same reason I like strawberry icecream but not chocolate. Nothing wrong with chocolate icecream, I like strawberry just because. They seem
to understand there is no particular reason.

This works for now. This feels age appropriate. It sucks that they have parallel lives they can't share with both parents but it just is what it is. I'm sure it gets harder as they get older a d the questions get curlier.

Vulcanized posted 9/24/2013 01:47 AM

Just this (((Tesla))). I got nothing, being childless and all.

tesla posted 9/24/2013 06:09 AM

The "I'm not friends with dad or stripper-whore" talk is coming and I'm just not looking forward to it at all.
Mainly because he won't be satisfied with it. And Teslet will ask his dad the same questions. I would love to be a fly on the wall when that happens.

Oh well. Going to pull on my big girl panties and deal with it. But any more age appropriate suggestions as to how to proceed would be welcome.

sparkysable posted 9/24/2013 06:21 AM

Well, look at it this way, he probably thinks in his head that he wishes he could share *insert whatever* with you.... if he said "can my mom come over and see my stuff?" what's she gonna say? "NO WAY!"??? She'd look like more of a jerk than she is. So she probably mumbled "sure, that's be great" knowing full well you never would.

self-rescuer posted 9/24/2013 06:32 AM

Ah Tesla - I'll say it again, you are an extraordinary mother! The amount of crap you have and continue to put up with from your ex and his stripper is astronomical.

But in every case you put the needs of your sweet boy first.

Go ahead and have the challenging talk. We all know you and know you'll say just what needs to be said in the perfect way for Teslet to hear it.

Don't forget for a minute that you ROCK!

7yrsflushed posted 9/24/2013 09:21 AM

Can your little one use a camera?

Any way to have him take a picture or pictures of the room with a digital camera and show you that way. I plan on doing that when my STBXW finishes building her home. I have NO desire to even set foot on the porch but the kids WILL want me to see their rooms so I will give them a digital camera and tell them to take all the pictures they want and I can see them that way.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:22 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

Nomorethankyou posted 9/24/2013 09:28 AM

I went through this s well with my youngest boy -- now age 9. He was desperate for me to see his new room (his dad has kept ugly girl a secret from them all still -- how good that must make her feel... But I digress...).

I got great advice here. I said please take a picture and show me your new room. And he loved that. But he has older siblings who could lend him a phone. Might be a bit trickier. Even without her obvious presence in the house, there was no way I was going in there Luckily the picture trick ended the conversation.

Oh good luck.

thebighurt posted 9/24/2013 10:41 AM

Sparkysable and I were thinking alike on this. Either what she said or stripper whore really is stupid enough or naive enough to believe what Teslet relayed could happen.

(((((Tesla))))) I'm sorry you keep getting these situations, but the ultimate solution to these hits would be to have your dear little boy old enough, mature enough, that he understands all this and I'm sure you don't want him to grow up that fast. That happens anyway and you love him so much and are enjoying him so much that you wouldn't want to miss a thing. He asked this because you're such a great Mom. He loves you and wants to include you in every part of his life. (((Hugs))).

You'll do the right thing. Maybe it IS time for a boundary lesson.

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