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Taurus517 posted 9/23/2013 21:09 PM

This is the start of the trigger months because it is coming up 1 year of DD. My BS has been patient with me for past few weeks and on 9/20 started the triggers. That is the day I had the longest conversation with the OW.

I should have been ready for it to help her through that day but I didn't because I didn't keep that day in mind. When I did start to help it was already to late. I made it worst by not shutting up and letting her vent. I got frustrated which wasn't the best thing to do as well.

I have been doing a lot better in terms of my anger and frustration since the beginning if the year at least that's what I'm seeing. I have been trying to do my best in terms of helping her with the fuck up I created. But I no matter what I do I still feel like crap. It's been hard for me to sleep through the night because I can't seem to get a hold if myself because I really dislike who I was and it sucks.

I still feel bad to show my feelings in regards to her A because level wise what I done is far worst and I caused this domino effect. When this is her most emotional time it should be her that is angry and sad and able to vent.

I guess I just need some insight on what else I can do because so much us going through my mind I can't control it and I'm going in circles. I just want to do right by her and show her I love her and want to be with her. I feel like I have been changing from who I was and I started going back to my IC for more help. I don't want to fail her again I want to prove to her I changed. But is it already to late ??? Have I caused enough damage to her that what I do now don't mean nothing???

I know this is always on her mind and I do thank her for being patient with me when she is introspective. When she is angry I feel that's how she really feels about things but I can be wrong. When she is angry I do feel like what she says is true because I start to question everything I have done to this point and it's still not good enough.

I just feel like shit and I'm sorry I just threw up all this random things. Just needed to get it out and get some advice for what I can do better.

brkn_heartd posted 9/23/2013 21:29 PM

Trigger season is hard on both spouses. This is my fourth one and so far the easiest, but not easy. Kudos to you for trying to minimize the triggers. Right now things you can do for her:

1) Ask her how she is feeling during this time. Randomly and out of the blue. Don't wait for her to say something to you.

2) Listen when she is venting. If you have a response, wait until she is finished. Do not minimize her feelings.

3) Be honest with your own feelings. It demonstrates an accountability of your actions, insight and remorse. It actually goes a long way in the terms of communication and honesty.

4) Set aside an "appointment" to talk about the A and potential triggers so you both can be ready for it.

5) If you know she is having a trigger, hold her hand, hug her, apologize for the cause of the trigger, but some how acknowledge the trigger and the effect it has on her.

6) Apologize for the A occasionally and thank her for her gift of R. My Fwh still occasionally apologizes and thanks me. It helps even this far our.

7) Take care of yourself too during the triggers. If you have triggers share them with her. It also shows your vulnerability and willingness to communication.

I hope some of these are helpful. Good luck.

cantaccept posted 9/24/2013 04:26 AM

We too, are in the beginning of trigger season. This is the time, last year, when he was talking and texting her, choosing her over me. This is when it began one year ago.

cantaccept posted 9/24/2013 05:29 AM

Hit submit too soon.

I can only tell you what I wish for from my h at this time and I am not even sure how much it will help as this is my first experience, thankfully, of trying to deal with it.

It would help me if he knew the dates, or if he didn't he would ask me.

It would help for me to hear over and over that he understands my pain and the feelings that it brings up in me.

It would help to hear, I am sorry that I chose to, fill in the blank.

I will never do this again.

Appreciation for the "gift" of R. Recognition for the struggle it is to try to R. For me many times I feel as if I am fighting my gut to run from the source of my pain, my h. I want to R with him so much, I can see what an authentic, intimate marriage could be between us and I still have feelings of betraying myself. Inner conflict, caused by fear?

Do things for me, make my life a bit easier, practical things, laundry, chores, dinner, anything to lighten the load, especially things you have never normally done.

Bring up the tough topics, on your own, without prompting, not just "how are you feeling" but express what you feel now about your actions. Express the contrast about how you felt/thought "then" vs how you think/feel now.

Talk about the questions you ask yourself. It shows you are working on yourself, working to understand why you made these choices and then in the future prevent ever making these choices again.

Be patient, be kind, please don't be harsh. Treat me as if I am made of a fine silk, touch, caress, but so very gently, it can be damaged so easily.

React kindly, always remembering that even when she may seem angry, she is really expressing pain. Pain that you caused. Remember that in spite of this pain that you caused she is choosing to love you. Choosing to give you the opportunity to prove who you can be, in spite of the past events that showed so clearly who you were capable of being.

I don't know if this is helpful, I can only express what would give me comfort.

Good luck. Wishing some peace to all of us struggling through this pain.

JustDesserts posted 9/24/2013 07:50 AM

It's like the sun never sets on trigger season. BS's and their unique ones, WS's and our unique ones, shared triggers, individual triggers...triggers, triggers, triggers. Is it ever not trigger season?

Their half life seems longer than Uranium. And just as unhealthy if not handled with care. The gift of R, from a BS, is an amazing anti-trigger balm.

But the gift to myself, the wayward, of healthy recovery and earnest work is, in the end, the only way I can see to "win" the daily trigger skirmish. Tomorrow, another skirmish awaits.

All I can do, really, Taurus, is work on me for me, and by osmosis her and us. Becoming an authentic me and living an authentic life is the ultimate expression to my BW of what she and us me. I can't give her anything better or more than that. And it feels great to be trying, even if struggling and imperfect.

She appreciates the struggle and the growth. And for that I'm grateful.

Hope trigger season will get better. Thoughts to you. And good replies above.


Taurus517 posted 10/2/2013 22:02 PM

Thank you @brkn_heartd, @cantaccept, and @justdesserts for all the great advice. I have been doing some and hopefully it helps with the R. I think all three of yall made great points on how to understand her and help her through this tough season and also helping myself at the same time. Thank you so much and wish yall the best as well.

hardlessons posted 10/2/2013 23:42 PM

I just want to do right by her and show her I love her and want to be with her.

When are you going to right by you? What do you deserve?

But is it already to late ???

What if it is too late for the marriage? Take her out of the equation, are you reason enough to get healthy?

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