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Lostinthismess posted 9/23/2013 21:42 PM

I'm so stuck, spinning in my own head. I still have no clue what I want. If I can even stay married to someone who was willing to cheat on me, to have a marriage that can never be special or untainted again. His affair started almost right at a year ago, end of sept/beg of oct. I don't even know of he realized that when he left yesterday. I don't even know how I feel about him leaving. I'd say this is the closest I've ever felt to feeling nothing. I feel like I should have some idea of what I want. How can I not know? How can I look at him and not know how I feel? My name has never been more appropriate. I don't know how move forward, to even start to figure it out. Everything I read seems to start with, if/when the bs decides to stay, this is what you do. Where are the self help books that help you figure the first part out?? I'm tempted to pull out a pen and make a pro/con list. But the idea of deciding to stay based on anything other than love makes me feel sick. Ugh, such a ramble!!

AFrayedKnot posted 9/24/2013 05:59 AM

(((Lostinthismess)))

I am sorry you are struggling. Going into the A season is hard. It brings back a flood the of memories. Two years ago tomorrow was the day my fWS and the OM first exchanged numbers.

Staying or going is not something you have to decide right away. A pro/con list is not a bad idea. I would make 2 though. One general one that is your relationship as a whole. And a second one specifically post dday. How has his behaviors changed? Is he doing the work to make you feel safe? Is he doing the work to actually make you safe? Is he proving to you that you should stay?

Even if he is doing everything he can it still might be a deal breaker for you. And that is OK. Take your time with a decision. Someone has a tag line here that I love. "Choosing the path of least regret". Stay or go? There is no easy answer. Find what your path of least regret would be.

ninebark posted 9/24/2013 08:37 AM

I struggled a full two years in R before I decided to separate. It is not easy and I feel for you.

A list is a good thing. The deciding factor for me was - am I happy, can I be happy with him and what do I need to be happy.

When I realized I was only staying to keep things the same out of fear of change, then I knew it was time to move on.

That doesn't help you much, but just know you are not alone in this, it is a hard time in your life and I know this is not something you are taking lightly.

((hugs))

Blameitontherain posted 9/24/2013 10:33 AM

Please give yourself a break. Deployments in general suck but throw in infidelity and it becomes a big pressure cooker.

With him being gone, don't feel like you have to make a decision. You don't. it is ok to not make a decision. Really it is.

Be easy on yourself. Try and concentrate on you, kids (if you have any), home life, etc. To stay or go doesn't have to be made today, or next week, or next month. Personally i would think of this as a pause in the relationship. Yes your WH should still be transparent, accountable, remorseful, etc but the hard hard work may just have to be paused due to deployment circumstances. This can be your time to become stronger and grow.

I made the decision after coming here to make no big decisions for the first year. It truly is a roller coaster. If I hadn't made that promise to myself, I probably would have gone three times by now. I am still with my military WH. MC seems to be working, my WH seems to be working for a better marriage. If I hadn't given it a year, we would never have reached this point,

The list are a good idea. In fact maybe every couple of months do a new list and compare it to the old lists. Hopefully you will see progress and know that you are right where should be. If you don't see progress, then maybe they will help you in making a very tough decision.