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Mixed bag

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LonelySilhouette posted 9/23/2013 22:22 PM

WH and I have been trying to R with varying degrees of success.

We have been attending MC, although she seemed to think we are doing great and seemed like she was trying to end it with us. We were uncomfortable with that. WH went to see her alone last time, I am going alone to see her tomorrow, and we need more JC for sure.

WH has been attentive, kind, remorseful, says the right things, is comforting and seems to get it for the most part. However, he has also been anxious and extremely stressed, he says due to shame and regret.

The last time we attended JC, I mentioned wanting a timeline. I had mentioned it before, the therapist picked up on that and said it wasn't going away, that if I wanted it, he should do it for me. She gave him 2 weeks to do it. I gave him a list of questions I wanted answered in the timeline. He worked on it nightly, and this is when he got really stressed. He said he didn't remember a lot of details I was asking about, and he said he had to think about it a lot and that he did so to the point of making himself vomit from stress. Once he finished the timeline, he refused to give it to me. Said he couldn't see how it could help me, that he felt it would only damage me further, he was going to take it to the therapist, have her read it and ask her how on earth it could help. He contacted his sister and they decided it wasn't a good idea. I outright told him that he and his sister don't get to make decisions about what is good for me, that I asked for it and I wanted it. He didn't want me to physically have the written copy. He said I would obsess over it and analyze every word and get stuck. He was probably right about that so we compromised and he read the 9 pages to me over the phone. I now know that were 9 prostitutes that he saw although he failed to get it up with the first one (he didn't take Viagra) and left in humiliation. Learned his lesson and made sure he took Viagra for his other encounters but says he didn't go through with it with one because she didn't look healthy and he thought she was a crack whore. He did screw 7 of them, 3 of them he saw twice, the other 4 he saw once. He said he contacted 5 other prostitutes and gave their names, but didn't see them for whatever reason (usually just difficulty in scheduling. Apparently, the escorts in our area are not that motivated.)

I also learned of an EA that had been going on for nearly 3 years. He allegedly went NC with her once the shit hit the fan and I found out about everything going on.

Around the same time that he was working on the timeline, I asked him to contact the cell phone provider and get me copies of his cell phone bills for the last 3 years. There was some balking, but eventually he tried but was only successful in getting the last year of bills. That arrived yesterday and I'll get to that.

A couple of weeks ago, the starter went on his car. I was able to get it from the garage when it was fixed, bring it home and clean it out. Ooops, I mean tear it apart looking for whatever. I had only had minimal time to look in it before that. I found a picture of a woman that I didn't know, and a cover of a porn dvd. While I was cleaning the car, I swear I heard the sound of a cell phone, like it was receiving a message. Some may recall that I posted about the possibility of a secret cell phone previously. However, I couldn't find it in the car or in the garage. I haven't mentioned it to him. I will keep looking.

Confronted him about the picture and the dvd cover. The picture is of a woman that he had an EA with back in 2007ish. She was his admin assistant. He swears he hasn't spoken to her or seen her since he left that job in 2008. I kept asking why he kept a picture of her and he stupidly kept saying he didn't keep the picture of her. He certainly doesn't have a picture of me. He said he had about 10 porn dvds, that they come free in certain magazines and that he has thrown away all porn since trying to R.

The same day that I went through his car, I took a closer look at the cell phone he gave me in June. I had lost mine. No problem, he said, he had an old one I could use and he got it activated for me. I am not into cell phones. It is for emergency only. Didn't I find over 50 bookmarks on it for porn sites? Jeezus. I can't believe he gave it to me like that.

We managed to get away for a little weekend trip, and it was very nice. We have been HBing like rabbits.

Back to the phone bills. Obviously, I expected to find calls to prostitutes and I wanted to kind of tie it together with the timeline because he's fuzzy on when things happened. And I wanted to see just how much communication was going on with the EA.

Unfortunately, I turned up 6 new prostitutes that he hadn't mentioned. I don't think he actually saw them because the calls are like a minute long and no return calls from them, like he left a message but didn't hear back. Like I said, they apparently aren't very motivated in their business around here.

The most hurtful thing I found on these bills is that he called a prostitute on
Christmas eve and another one ON OUR ANNIVERSARY. I confronted him on the phone about it tonight (he's on the road), and he muttered that he's sorry and said that our anniversary just wasn't that important to him at that time. I lost it and hung up on him.

I know he was broken. I know it's not productive to fight and to say mean things. The hardest thing for me right now is that he is so weak and stressed, and more fragile than me, it seems. Yet, I'm the injured party here!

When I find these things and confront him, he says they are all old things, that there is nothing going on now. They are not old to me. Each one is new, hurtful, and more disrespect.

Sorceress posted 9/24/2013 05:23 AM

I must gently, and with great respect, ask you why you're considering sorting out a broken relationship with a complete liar and what appears to be a sex addict? Do you not deserve more than this? Love- ah- the thing that makes us do crazy things and hold on to lost causes. Yeah. If it's love holding you to him I understand that. But at some point you must look at how much consideration and love he gives to you to do this to you. You're the giver. He's a taker for sure, and maybe he's humble and ashamed and trying to be a good man now, but you found him out! Would he be this sweet and loving I you hadn't? Would he have packed this crap in of his own accord?

Take everything you know about this man and balance it against everything you believe. If what you know is dark and sad, you need to find happiness and in my opinion, I think you'd eventually be happier without this man. You love him and he loves him but who is loving you? Hugs. Xxxx

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