DH has depression, well managed (?) on meds, but 5 months ago, a lovely baby girl was born to us, and it turned our lives upside down. DH couldn't handle it.
With DD in our lives now, I can't give him as much support as I used to in order to get him through his funks and help him optimize his functional status. We've been together 10 years. I'm just spread too thin right now, and my requests to have him step up have resulted in him sulking or defensive language/posturing, or petty stuff such as him being purposefully difficult in simple conversations or decisions.
He's a good dad to our little girl, but I feel stuck. I don't even feel angry or hurt - it's like there is a voice saying, "Told you he would do this again, what did you expect?" I feel totally blank.
So now I'm back on SI.com looking for hugs, support, advice, ANYTHING to help me get through the day. We are back in counseling, but it doesn't feel as effective as it used to (same therapist who knows our history). We fight all the time after DD is put to bed for the night.
Incidentally, I feel GREAT about myself. I dropped the pregnancy weight, and am actually 15 pounds lighter than I was before I got pregnant. I got a promotion to VP at work, and with my wonderful DD, I feel really empowered and alive (until this latest bullsh*t, that is). While DH hasn't said it, I wonder if the fruits of my hard work are contributing to some self esteem issues. Doesn't excuse anything, but there it is.
How did you find out? Did he tell you? Did you catch him? Can't help but wonder if he has been doing it all along and you just caught him. How is he acting now?
The fact that you are doing so well is great, maybe work on your own IC, is this a deal breaker? It's a hard one, he does this because he's down? But he's been on meds, so what control do you have on his future fidelity?
I feel for you. I caught my H and if he did it again, it would be game over. He has committed less transgressions, ie., flirting, and I am trying to decide if that is a deal breaker.
Seriously. Don't make excuses for him. You're a mom now and you need a partner. You aren't going to have patience or time to deal with your WH's immature bullshit anymore. What the heck is he fighting with you for? Having unprotected sex with a *sex worker* when you're stressed and overwhelmed is an acceptable option????? Well, then, traveler, you better find yourself one of those and put him on speed dial because life with kids is one stress after another <said very facetiously>.
You are in a great position right now. You feel good about yourself and you have a good job. Your WH needs to begin taking responsibility for himself and his own behaviors and *catch up*. It isn't YOUR job to regulate his moods....that's on him.
I'm sorry that he's done this to you again. That sucks....
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
The question about what qualifies as a deal breaker is a good one. It would have been before DD, but now? I find it VERY hard to justify separating DD from her dad - she's just so young. I know that the advice is typically that you shouldn't stay together for the kids, but I'm really conflicted.
I didn't kick him out. I didn't forgive him. I'm in that stunned, immobile place that I haven't been in for so long.
It also is not a good sign that your DH is using sex to regulate his emotions. Being a wife of a recovering SA, and all my baggage, that worries me.
Will your MC help you guys with your negotiating skills?
How did your H feel about your promotion? Did you run it by him before you accepted? Did you guys ever discuss the implications of you taking on more work responsibility?
I don't think that you should shoulder all the responsibility around the house. But, asking your DH to step it up isn't the only necessary solution. Maybe you need to look at outsourcing as much as you can? Have the two of you brainstormed ideas on how to run a house and have a thriving career?
At any rate, you had enough on your plate with the transitions to a job, motherhood, etc. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
I find it VERY hard to justify separating DD from her dad - she's just so young. I know that the advice is typically that you shouldn't stay together for the kids, but I'm really conflicted.
You need to think very hard about this. I know she is a baby, but she can sense the tension. I know many people stay for the sake of the children. I am finally leaving for the sake of my children.
My children deserve to live in a home where they don't see disrespect and dysfunction. If they find out why WS and I are splitting they deserve to see a woman strong enough to stand for herself and them. I do not want to teach my children it is acceptable to let anyone, most of all a spouse, treat them this way or for them to learn it is acceptable to treat others with lying and cheating.
I do not think parents divorcing is the worst thing we can do to our children and some times it is the best thing we can do.
I find it VERY hard to justify separating DD from her dad - she's just so young.
It is a hell of a lot easier to leave now than when she is older and has grown attached to your WS.
To have to come back here again, has to be hard. I think you are probably in a state of shock to a certain degree, and thus the not feeling much of anything about it. I can say that if it was a deal breaker before your DD why isn't it now? Because you want to play happy family?
Remember it's far more healthy for your daughter to be raised in a home where mom is strong, and demands the respect, love, and adoration she deserves. Not being a doormat to molly coddle a man that has "depression" I'm sorry, depression, lack of attention, what the F ever. It's just excuses. He has done ZERO real work to fix himself, and his behavior prooves. It has shown you who he is. Believe him.
Get thee to an attorney ASAP, get info find out what your rights are, and in turn find your strength. You by all accounts are an amazing, strong, capable woman, and you deserve much more. Demand it. If you act now, your DD isn't going to know a different normal, she will grow up knowing that mommy and daddy split when she was little, when she gets older if she wants to know why you can tell her you demanded the respect any woman should have, and dad couldn't do that. I am afraid if you stay you will only see this repeated again, when she's older, and it upsets her whole world too.
I too found R, but sister if he EVER were to go back to his old behaviors he had during A, or similar type behaviors I would be done so fast his head would spin. To give a second chance is one hell of a gift, to give a third, or forth, is just setting yourself up for more pain.
He had many partners, completely random women – hookups, sex workers. He didn't know many of their names. He explained it by saying that his sexuality is such that he has always had multiple partners, it’s just who he is.
Sorry you're back here, worldtraveler.
Anyway, Congrats on the weight loss and your positive self image. That's wonderful.
As far as the Hugs and support. This is the right Place for that ((Worldtraveler)).
He is broken and if you are sure you want to nurse a broken man for life and make excuses for his behavior because of depression that is your decision. But it sounds like you are not very comfortable with that decision.
It is so hard to deal with this, so messy, so harmful, that it is hard to think.
I don't know what advice to give, just it makes me so angry to see a decent, loving, person, suffering because they care for someone who is selfish and thoughtless. Hugs.
Be proud of who you are and your accomplishments. if your WH feels minimized by your success,that is HIS issue.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.