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Newest Member: silenceisnotgold (46036)

User Topic: Why am I so obsessed?
heartbroken2012
♀ 38089
Member # 38089
Sad  Posted: 8:36 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So i am obsessing over the OW. I want to stop and cant. I hate her SO much, and daydream about horrible things like her getting caught in a burning building, hit by a car, or getting cancer and dying. I hate my husband sometimes too, but love him which is hard.

I look up her kids facebook and her friends (she doesnt have one) and see her pics of her happy and some pictures are of the inside of her home....and Im pissed because she has a nice home and that she doesnt seem to be affected at all? Like she cheats and her husband is ok with it...her life is fine and she goes to workout with her daughter.

But more than anger I am so SAD. I have been depressed lately...to where I cant find happiness. My aunt (who knows about the A and is close to me) says that I need to find little bits of happiness where I can. Well i cant. I am so horribly sad that my WH decided to do that. He broke us. I dont feel the same about him. I dont feel he is the same person I used to know. When I see him all i see is her and what he did with her. I dont think of all the good times before.

He has been trying hard to reconcile...sometimes. He has his moments where he gets defensive and angry and of course he is still "that was AGES ago...its in the past you should be past that" His latest thing is that he says I hold on to the A and want to feel bad. Which is not true. Most of the the time when I trigger he is apologetic and hugs me etc. He does tell me to stop when I see the OW and go off on a tangent of saying bad names. But lately he keeps telling me its in the past.

I told him that our wedding is in the past and that doesnt make it any less important. He was quiet for that one.

I am just really depressed and I dont know how to help myself. I cannto find happiness. And i do love my husband, but Im just so sad. And it doesnt help that I seem to see the OW all over, and the obsessing..I have bad dreams, and I go to bed and wake up in the morning thinking of her and what my WH did.

Any advice from either side appreciated. I am slipping into the black hole of depression.


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 561 | Registered: Jan 2013
StillStanding1
♀ 40144
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((heartbroken)))

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so sad and lost. Trust me, so very many of us know that feeling all too well.

I agree with your aunt. You really need to find "little bits of happiness" right now! Go for a walk, enjoy the changing color of a tree, treat yourself to a good cup of coffee, meet a friend, get a hug... My IC/MC also tells me to "let go of the outcome" and just live in the moment.

If you have any texts or emails that he's written that are sweet or apologetic, review those when you need to. I do that often, when he's at work and busy and I need a "pick me up".

Have you seen a doctor about perhaps getting some anti-D meds? Something to consider.

Keep posting. Lots of support will be coming your way, I'm sure! Hang in there!


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 746 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
strongerdaybyday
♀ 40264
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same way. So I don't have a lot of advice ((HUGS)). But, I can say that sometimes, when I find myself daydreaming about all the things I would like to say/do to OW I listen to music, go for a walk..ANYTHING to take my mind off of her, even if only for a brief moment.

I look up her kids facebook and her friends (she doesnt have one) and see her pics of her happy and some pictures are of the inside of her home....and Im pissed because she has a nice home and that she doesnt seem to be affected at all

I thought I was the only one that did this! Glad I'm not alone in what I felt was my craziness.


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 387 | Registered: Aug 2013
2married2quit
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heartbroken2012 - First of let me address this:

I look up her kids facebook and her friends (she doesnt have one) and see her pics of her happy and some pictures are of the inside of her home....and Im pissed because she has a nice home and that she doesnt seem to be affected at all? Like she cheats and her husband is ok with it...her life is fine and she goes to workout with her daughter.

Understand that FB is a place where people post "happy" moments. Most people do. You don't want your dirty laundry out there and obviously OW will not do that. Nor will she post that she feels like shit and is dealing with some serious guilt. I tell you this because my FWW stopped FB for a while and then started again. Her posts are general and she looks happy, as if life is great. But so does everyone else. However, behind the scenes is a very broken woman. A women that went from a responsible, wonderful wife and mother to a cheating wife. Of course OBS hates her. And probably calls her every single name in the book. So I get what you're saying, but understand that she may feel horrible inside. Only a broken person can get into an A with a married man and not care of the consequences. Plus, don't think for a minute her H took her back and it's all dandy. Hey, in our home, it's taken over a year to start going forward. We're still limping. But you check out our fb, and we're okay.


He has been trying hard to reconcile...sometimes. He has his moments where he gets defensive

and angry and of course he is still "that was AGES ago...its in the past you should be past that" His latest thing is that he says I hold on to the A and want to feel bad. Which is not true. Most of the the time when I trigger he is apologetic and hugs me etc. He does tell me to stop when I see the OW and go off on a tangent of saying bad names. But lately he keeps telling me its in the past.

I get what he's trying to do. My FWW does the same. It's like you nail them to the cross and then go back and drive in more nails and pounce every minute of the day. Can't you see I'm already nailed and dying? However, it's called consequences. Only he can help you heal and put it behind you. It's the same exact struggle we have with FWW. She doesn't want to talk about it anymore. But sometimes I need to. The A is alive and well as long as she's not committing 100% to me.



BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1446 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Ashland13
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like 2Married said, I agree-FB and other Sn's aren't real. They are what people make them, a show of life, an unreality that can be twisted to brag, to torment, to lie.

Part of my life was greatly affected in this way and what helped me dramatically was finally just shutting it all down for myself. I just don't want to be connected to anything they do.

It helped me also to force myself to stop searching-it was part of my PTSD or anxiety that came from what he did that I was obsessively searching for either or them or her tribe online and it was causing triggers, but I didn't understand it for a while. Now I do other things with the time and don't even miss it anymore. Pictures for me are hard copy or just on my computer and I make sure he doesn't have access any more.

If there's a way you can begin to stop looking, it's a recommendation I will make. FWIW, when the impulse used to come, I would find something else to do with my hands and mind or contact a friend I had left. It also helped me to spend time on SI because I could type and be on the computer, "working on things" but not the people who hurt me.

And yes, though it's hard to hear, the advice for me is also to move my thinking away from anything in the past and carry on. Easier said than done, but I'm trying.

It also helps me to think that every time I don't think of the past, I won a victory for myself and not them...they weren't able to get me down. Then I remember that time, rather than something someone did.

I think more of myself and my victories than the wrongs that have been done.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2421 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 5

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