The anniversary of a season. Aug. 23, 2012, 2 days after our 10th anniversary. He knew, I did not. We were getting ready for our vacation. A very big deal to me, all kinds of fantasies about maybe, just maybe, please, please, let this be a wonderful time. Please, let this help him to remember what he likes about me. Please let us be able to reconnect, emotionally and physically. Please. I was viewing it as a 2nd honeymoon, or at least was praying that it would be. I just didn't know he was lusting for someone new. I just didn't know that I didn't have a chance. I didn't know that I was interfering, that I was intruding, that I was unwelcome, that I was a burden. I was just being me, his wife, behaving as wife does, trying to love her husband.
Now I know that on the way to the airport, he was texting her.
Now I know that he was impatient with me because I was interfering with his time with her.
Now I know that his morning walks alone, not wanting me to come because of his concern for my knee, but for the time to spend talking with her.
Now I know that the night we, to me made love, to him fucking, was a lie. He didn't want me, he used me. He was fucking me and thinking of her.
Now I know that after I fell asleep, he got up and called her. Talked to her after fucking me.
Now I know that the next day, when he was angry at me, telling me that I showed no emotion for him during sex. That the cruel words he said to me and that I tried to apologize for, to tell him how happy I was to be with him, were all a lie. He was trying to soothe his conscience, justify his behavior by shifting it on to me, demonizing me.
Now I know that the next time we had sex, on our vacation, when he yelled at me during and left me, it wasn't me that did something wrong. He was using me again and the guilt was too much or maybe it was revulsion, I can't know that, I was not in his head.
Now I know so many things that I wish I never had to know.
Now I know that he shared with her private things about me. Things that I had just started to share myself. Things that happened to me as a child. I shared those things with people I had come to trust, love. I shared with his mother and 1 sister. I shared with him, I shared my hurt, my shame, my pain of what had happened to me. I trusted him. I thought he understood, I thought he understood the pain and valued that I could trust him with this. I thought he didn't see it as a defect in me, something that I caused. I thought he felt empathy for me.
Now I know he told her. He told her about my deepest, darkest pain. The pain I was only beginning to deal with, to try to overcome. Why? Why this? What could he possibly gain from telling her this? What was the purpose? It makes me feel so vulnerable, exposed. I feel exposed to someone that I did not choose to expose myself to. I feel exposed to someone that I did not want in my life. I feel exposed to someone that feels like an enemy to me, someone that wished me harm.
Now I know he did not feel empathy. He did not value the trust I placed in him.
Now I know that he did not realize what a huge gift it was that I could trust him.
Now I know that all of the inner pain that I shared with him did not mean that much to him. The times that I shared with him that he was the first man that I could "be with" and not be afraid, not feel used. Now I know that he did not understand how much that meant to me. How much that changed my life.
Knowing that I was used seems to bring up all of the shame, humiliation of my childhood. It makes me want to run, to hide, to scream.
I never knew that he would or could use me. I never knew that was possible. I never knew that it was a danger. I thought I was finally safe, I thought I could trust him with me.
I now see the changes in him. I do see them, it is hard to believe again.
He posted the other day about this time. It was painful for me to read. He is owning his behavior. He is recognizing the damage, the pain he caused. I don't know if it's even possible for him to understand the depth of how I hurt. The great trust I placed in him, how that was such a wonderful place for me, I really believed that no matter what, I was safe with him. I believed, others have hurt me, used me, but to him I mattered, not just my body, but me, the inside me. I thought he valued me.
This is coming up so strong probably because I am so aware of the time of year. Last year on Sept. 28 we were leaving on our vacation. Every day is so clear in my mind. I suppose if it had been ordinary work days it would not stand out so much. The days preceding our vacation are not so clear, even though a had begun. This vacation, I had place such hope in it, foolishly, but I had. I can't seem to stop thinking, on this day we were doing this and that is what I believed, this is what I didn't know.
I'm just not sure how to get past the pain of this. How do I let this go? When will this not hurt?
I just really needed to get this out. I am off today and alone and my head started spinning.
I am now going to do something productive in the present. Sew new curtains for the bedroom. A sense of accomplishment. I just knew that if I did not express this it would spin in my head all day.