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I just didn't know...but now I do

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cantaccept posted 9/24/2013 08:37 AM

The anniversary of a season. Aug. 23, 2012, 2 days after our 10th anniversary. He knew, I did not. We were getting ready for our vacation. A very big deal to me, all kinds of fantasies about maybe, just maybe, please, please, let this be a wonderful time. Please, let this help him to remember what he likes about me. Please let us be able to reconnect, emotionally and physically. Please. I was viewing it as a 2nd honeymoon, or at least was praying that it would be. I just didn't know he was lusting for someone new. I just didn't know that I didn't have a chance. I didn't know that I was interfering, that I was intruding, that I was unwelcome, that I was a burden. I was just being me, his wife, behaving as wife does, trying to love her husband.

Now I know that on the way to the airport, he was texting her.

Now I know that he was impatient with me because I was interfering with his time with her.

Now I know that his morning walks alone, not wanting me to come because of his concern for my knee, but for the time to spend talking with her.

Now I know that the night we, to me made love, to him fucking, was a lie. He didn't want me, he used me. He was fucking me and thinking of her.

Now I know that after I fell asleep, he got up and called her. Talked to her after fucking me.

Now I know that the next day, when he was angry at me, telling me that I showed no emotion for him during sex. That the cruel words he said to me and that I tried to apologize for, to tell him how happy I was to be with him, were all a lie. He was trying to soothe his conscience, justify his behavior by shifting it on to me, demonizing me.

Now I know that the next time we had sex, on our vacation, when he yelled at me during and left me, it wasn't me that did something wrong. He was using me again and the guilt was too much or maybe it was revulsion, I can't know that, I was not in his head.

Now I know so many things that I wish I never had to know.

Now I know that he shared with her private things about me. Things that I had just started to share myself. Things that happened to me as a child. I shared those things with people I had come to trust, love. I shared with his mother and 1 sister. I shared with him, I shared my hurt, my shame, my pain of what had happened to me. I trusted him. I thought he understood, I thought he understood the pain and valued that I could trust him with this. I thought he didn't see it as a defect in me, something that I caused. I thought he felt empathy for me.

Now I know he told her. He told her about my deepest, darkest pain. The pain I was only beginning to deal with, to try to overcome. Why? Why this? What could he possibly gain from telling her this? What was the purpose? It makes me feel so vulnerable, exposed. I feel exposed to someone that I did not choose to expose myself to. I feel exposed to someone that I did not want in my life. I feel exposed to someone that feels like an enemy to me, someone that wished me harm.

Now I know he did not feel empathy. He did not value the trust I placed in him.

Now I know that he did not realize what a huge gift it was that I could trust him.

Now I know that all of the inner pain that I shared with him did not mean that much to him. The times that I shared with him that he was the first man that I could "be with" and not be afraid, not feel used. Now I know that he did not understand how much that meant to me. How much that changed my life.

Knowing that I was used seems to bring up all of the shame, humiliation of my childhood. It makes me want to run, to hide, to scream.

I never knew that he would or could use me. I never knew that was possible. I never knew that it was a danger. I thought I was finally safe, I thought I could trust him with me.

I now see the changes in him. I do see them, it is hard to believe again.

He posted the other day about this time. It was painful for me to read. He is owning his behavior. He is recognizing the damage, the pain he caused. I don't know if it's even possible for him to understand the depth of how I hurt. The great trust I placed in him, how that was such a wonderful place for me, I really believed that no matter what, I was safe with him. I believed, others have hurt me, used me, but to him I mattered, not just my body, but me, the inside me. I thought he valued me.

This is coming up so strong probably because I am so aware of the time of year. Last year on Sept. 28 we were leaving on our vacation. Every day is so clear in my mind. I suppose if it had been ordinary work days it would not stand out so much. The days preceding our vacation are not so clear, even though a had begun. This vacation, I had place such hope in it, foolishly, but I had. I can't seem to stop thinking, on this day we were doing this and that is what I believed, this is what I didn't know.

I'm just not sure how to get past the pain of this. How do I let this go? When will this not hurt?

I just really needed to get this out. I am off today and alone and my head started spinning.

I am now going to do something productive in the present. Sew new curtains for the bedroom. A sense of accomplishment. I just knew that if I did not express this it would spin in my head all day.

bionicgal posted 9/24/2013 08:45 AM

What a heart wrenching post. I hear you, cantaccept. I tell my H there were a 1000 betrayals, and I am trying myself to figure out how many of them I need to know.

I do think WS do all this damage somewhat unthinkingly -- or at least with the worst case of tunnel vision you can have. He did not do this to you, he did it despite you. Sometimes it makes it sting a little less for me to think of it that way.

Searchingforhope posted 9/24/2013 08:46 AM


Strength to you, dear.

SpiderGrl posted 9/24/2013 08:59 AM


It's horrible, painful stuff but you expressed it beautifully. Much love to you in this awful journey.

cantaccept posted 9/24/2013 09:00 AM

Okay, not done venting yet.

I said to h, so many times through the years. "if I had to go through all of that, live through so much pain, to get to this life with you, it was worth it".

That goes through my head now over and over.

That was my way of being able to give my past pain meaning, of being able to live with it, to attempt to let it go and live in the present.

Now, I guess I don't know yet if it was worth it. This pain, is by far the worst I have ever been through. I really believed that I had been through the worst "intentional" pain. I really thought that I was safe from people that would hurt me and not consider the effect or care. Now I know there really is no safety. I knew that there would still be pain in life, people get ill, they die, but that is not a choice, that is just a part of life.

In the past 3 years, I lost my mother, my father and my sweet dog Rosie. My oldest boy has struggled with drugs over the last 10 years. All of these pains of life, so much loss. Nothing that was done with the disregard for me. None of this was directed at me. Even though the a was not directed at me, it was done with the knowledge of the effect, it was done because I just didn't matter to him.

I knew there would be pain, I just never knew that the pain of someone you trust could be so devastating.

In a sense I was betrayed as a child. I was abused by those that I should have been able to trust to protect me. The difference is, I never trusted him, I was terrified of him since my earliest memory. If there is not trust it cannot be betrayed. Bad treatment is expected.

Now, all I can work towards is a better future. To somehow come to a place where the pain was worth it.

2married2quit posted 9/24/2013 09:05 AM

I'm glad you are here to vent and let go of those emotions, but you can't drown in your own blood while you're bleeding. It hurts to read this so much, but you have to focus on the positive. Just my $0.02

But I understand...I did that and still do it on occasion.

StillStanding1 posted 9/24/2013 09:09 AM

Oh, cantaccept, your pain is just palpable. You express it so beautifully. The pain of betrayal is just so devastating, right down to the core of our souls.

I wish I could give a real hug, but this will have to do: (((cantaccept))).

I hope that writing it down helped. Sometimes that works for me. I am so sorry for all that has happened to you and all you continue to struggle with.

Stay strong and find a little bit of happiness today.

cantaccept posted 9/24/2013 09:12 AM

Thanks all for your support.


I think that is why I needed to get this out. It feels like poison inside me. I cannot hold all this inside.

Denying the thoughts or trying to push them away seems to only be a temporary relief. They seem to come back stronger if I don't let it out in some way.

H and I have touched on certain times regarding this trip but not too much in depth.

The memories from those nights, still come up over and over. It makes me feel so humiliated. My husband used me, it is such a hard pill to swallow.

My hope is if I get this out it will somehow lessen the impact.

No clue really just going with my gut.

blakesteele posted 9/24/2013 09:25 AM

The summer before my DD my wife acted in similar fashion as your husband....we were on vacation too...she was acting...different. She was very anxious to leave for home early on the last day...I now know why. Her A was just an EA at that time...but I can see it was captivating her emotional energy even then.

I feel most all of the feelings you felt. Before my DD I was aware something was bad wrong in our marriage. I incorrectly took that to mean I was the culprit (FOO issues within me)...a fact my wife was very eager to support. I found a counselor and set to work on myself...."owning" the state of our marriage 100%....not having a clue the real thorn in our marital paw was my wifes illicit affair. She sat in counseling with me, saw me wrestling hard, I thought she had empathy for me...was there for me....she was not. Both my wife and her AP dropped respective kids off at school then met up. Late at night, my wife was texting her AP while I was in the house. She would go for walks too...texting him at night too. She had sex with both of us the same week....her A went to a PA after DD and while we were in MC.

All of this very painful to recall.

I'm just not sure how to get past the pain of this. How do I let this go? When will this not hurt?

You don't let it process through it. To do that you must feel it. "You must feel to heal" is so very true. I think it will hurt for a long time. I am hopeful it will lessen over time....some days it hurts less...but sometimes the feeling is so strong the hurt seems everybit as strong as ever....but I will say that the duration of feeling that pain is less now.

I am sorry for the pain involved in adultery. It really emotionally bankrupts everyone involved...doesn't it? The key is to find sources of "income" to pay off the "debt" adultery has put on our marriage. It is made easier when both people involved are interested in contributing to this "income".

Both your husband and my wife are showing signs that they are looking for ways to generate income and pay down the debt of wife and I are even finding a little left over income to pay down the debt that is our pre-A marital issues.

Fun....need to mix in some of that too...."All work and no play" is NOT healthy. Your massage was "play" for you...and see how you have responded!

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:27 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

MartlArts posted 9/24/2013 09:30 AM

((Cantaccept)). I am so sorry to read your pain. I think you were wise to share here and hope it gets some of the poison out, as you said. I hope you are able to do positive things for yourself today.

TrustGone posted 9/24/2013 10:04 AM


Your post went straight to my heart. I could have written it word for word. I am 2 years out from DDay#1 and a little over 1 yr from DDay#2 and I still hurt everyday from the betrayal. I have suffered through so much growing up and with WH#1 for over 20yrs. When I finally put on my bitch boots and divorced WH#1, I thought I was finally happy. I thought I had found someone that really respected me, only to find out how much he didn't care. The OW knew everything about me that I had shared with him. Some of those things were so secret that I had never shared them with anyone else but him and for him to share them with her still wrenches my soul to the core. Why they feel the need to share our pain with an outsider is beyond me. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this. Nothing hurts worse than to have the person you trust and love betray you, not only sexually but intimately with your life. I can only hope that he reads your post and knows what he did to you. (((HUGS)))

hopefullromantic posted 9/24/2013 11:04 AM

I remember that pain. The every day pain during the A you don't know about is one thing, but the vacation pain has an extra element to it. All the anticipation and excitement you expect to be sharing is clouded by moments of unexplained hostility. Yes, because you are the intrusion, the burden. And all the moments you find yourself alone and wondering why when you should be enjoying them together, but he is off on his secret phone calls. And the sex. Vacation sex is often the best sex, but during that time I had to work hard to seduce him, finally getting him to take the sex but without giving anything back.

I remember that confusion. I remember that pain. I just didn't know then, but yes, now I do.


Gr8Lady posted 9/24/2013 11:19 AM

Now I know he did not feel empathy. He did not value the trust I placed in him.

Now I know that he did not realize what a huge gift it was that I could trust him.

Trust is a gift , our story to share with those that earn that honor. It isn't given away lightly, and you expressed eloquently how precious trust is between people.

That betrayal to me is more profound and far reaching than physical infidelity. Hugs... I hear you and get it.

cantaccept posted 9/24/2013 12:29 PM

Trustgone mentioned hoping that my h reads this post. I don't believe he actively seeks out my posts. She has made me start thinking.

Would you share this post with you wh? Is it too raw, too hurtful to him?

Do you believe that anything positive would be accomplished by sharing this with him?

I just don't want to be the cause of any more damage.

crazyblindsided posted 9/24/2013 15:38 PM

Now I know he told her. He told her about my deepest, darkest pain. The pain I was only beginning to deal with, to try to overcome. Why? Why this? What could he possibly gain from telling her this? What was the purpose? It makes me feel so vulnerable, exposed. I feel exposed to someone that I did not choose to expose myself to. I feel exposed to someone that I did not want in my life. I feel exposed to someone that feels like an enemy to me, someone that wished me harm.

Gawd your whole post was so wonderfully written. You expressed deeply what I feel on a daily basis. I have to push my thoughts away because the truth is so heinous.

The above made me I too had awful things that happened to me and also things I did to myself (self-harm/suicide attempt) that my WH used against me. He let MOW know all of the dark things about me which she threw in my face as insults. Like you said, it hits that spot from our childhood that was so traumatic. I was molested by my half-brother from the age of 6-7 and when I spoke out the only people who stood be me were my mom and dad everyone else called me a liar or said I need to forgive. Being betrayed by your spouse feels very similar. I have had very extreme reactions to this infidelity.

topperoff22 posted 9/24/2013 22:31 PM

I am bawling as I read this. Just bawling. I am only about eight weeks out and this is the most painful thing I have ever faced. I am so sorry for you having to face this as well. I am not sure how long term your husband's affair was but it sounds like a long time. I was often to made to feel like the bad guy too...when all along he just wanted me to go away so he could text her. My husband claims his sex with her was a one time thing...I have no idea if he is telling the truth. He's lied so much Once or more than's killing me. :( I keep thinking of it over and over and wondering how they did it and how he held her and touched her. I was waitng up for him tonight...I thought tonight we could have time together but he's late from work and I'm tired and now I'm emotionally spent as well as I think of them together. I just don't know if I'll ever feel better about any of this. We are sisters in this journey and I wish we weren't.

SpiderGrl posted 9/24/2013 22:35 PM

Cant- I would absolutely share this with my WH.

VD2012 posted 9/24/2013 23:49 PM

The pain in your post comes through very clearly. And I've been right where you are. Some days I think I still am.

You have to feel it, process it and then let it go. Easy to say, hard to do.

Would you share this post with you wh? Is it too raw, too hurtful to him?

Do you believe that anything positive would be accomplished by sharing this with him?

I just don't want to be the cause of any more damage.

I share everything I post, and much more, with my wife. I honestly don't worry if it's too raw or hurtful. She did this to me. Why would I worry about getting blood on her shoes after she stabbed me?

Positivity is accomplshed if you share and he can understand, be empathetic and appreciate the deep pain he has caused you and his role in it. Worrying about causing more damage by showing your betrayer the damage is the incorrect thought path to take as far as I'm concerned.

Last night my wife came home from work and I told her I made a post and asked if she wanted to hear it. She did and I read it to her, starting to cry half way through. She sat in my lap and held onto me saying we'll make it through this together and that she's sorry I'm having so much trouble dealing with it and that I shouldn't have to. I told her I was sorry I was being so distant the past week and that I see all that she's doing.

Admittedly my last thread isn't as raw and pain filled as yours is, but I've had my share, and every single one of them I show her and read to her. She's bore witness to much more rawness and pain in person than anything I could ever write could convey. It's her willingness to help me, console me, listen to me, be compassionate to me, apologize to me, just generally be loving and remorseful to me in spite of that very real and horrific pain that shows me she's truly invested in getting better for herself and us.

They have to see the full devastation and they have to learn to how to cope with the shame and guilt it may bring on. That's their responsibility. I'm not responsible for my wife feeling bad that she betrayed me, and I'll never betray myself by hiding that.

OnAnIsland posted 9/25/2013 01:39 AM

Share this post with your H. It sounds like some of it may be new or surprise him. That is ok.

I would like to commend you for getting to that place where YOU were able to share your pain and experience of abuse with your WH. That is part of your healing, and opening yourself up to love and vulnerability. Yes, it is terrible that he shared it with AP. that is on him. But you were brave and strong to face those demons and open up to him. That is still something that you can be proud of.

Now (eventually in this journey) it is up to you to decide whether to open yourself up to him again. Whether to be vulnerable to him.

cantaccept posted 9/27/2013 05:21 AM

H read this. Said nothing.

I asked him how does this make you feel, what do you think?

We have talked about this before.

That is all he said.

I think he has a heart of stone.

This led to a "talk" about what I need him to do.

I need empathy, I need to see his remorse, I need to hear his emotions/thoughts.

He became angry. Said I just wanted penance. I want to see effort. I ask him to read, consistently, learn how to help me, learn about himself. Or post consistently on SI, or continue with IC. Get some help with this!

I guess I really am not that important to him. If reading a book is too much to expect, I am not worth his effort.

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