I look back, to the days before dday, to the days before he became careless of me, to the days when he was respectful of me, to the days he was loyal and faithful. I saw that in him. I knew, even when he showed me his worst, that the good was inside. I saw his battle with himself, with who I knew he wanted to be.
I saw that in him and I ached for him. I couldn't make the changes for him, all I was capable of doing was loving him, and I did always.
I wasn't capable of making the changes in me that I needed to. I couldn't even see them, maybe I didn't want to see them.
Now I have to make those changes, cannot pretend not to see.
Now he has to make those necessary changes also. I see him now, not just wishing to be different but working for it.
We both are, we both backslide. We continue the struggle.
The only way that I can go forward and choose to share my life with him is to see that work, those changes.
He is working to become that man he always wanted to be. He is working to become that loyal, faithful, respectful man that he wants to be.
We can never change the past, we can only learn from it. We can only work towards a future, a better future.
We cannot change who we were. We can only work on who we are now with the hope and determination of becoming who we wish to be.
So much pain involved in this. So much work. To realize that dream, to become stronger, to choose to be faithful and loyal, not because it's expected but because you respect and love each other in an honest, open, intimate way, a way that was not possible before, because you WANT to.
If this is the price and that state of being can be achieved then all this pain will have been worth it.
I wonder if I ever could have appreciated the gift of love, intimacy, faithfulness and loyalty as deeply as I do now, if it had not been ruptured.
I know for my h and I, we never would have been able to confront ourselves, see what needed to change, if this crises had not occurred.
I will never feel "good" about what h did, but I will appreciate the changes it has caused for us.
Sorry this is so long and I think I have gotten way off track. Lately, my brain seems to have a mind of its' own.
Basically, Faithfulness and loyalty in the present and future are more important to me now. That is what I am risking my heart for.