A few months after DDay, my husband was gone for the evening. Before he got home, I wrote a long love letter on the bathroom mirror (using a dry erase marker). I signed it something like "forever after faithfully yours". Even though he was triggered on the way home and was in a rough spot by the time he got home, he read the message and asked me to leave it up. (I did, of course; it was his message to keep for as long as he liked.) The next day, he said he really appreciated what I had written except for one thing; he erased "after". He said that if I continued to write "after" then we would always be reminded of "before" and he wanted to get to a place where my A didn't sit at the forefront of our relationship.
We are now almost 14 months past DDay. We still have days that are a little more tender-painful than others, but I see so much progress and so much has changed. I can no longer say that I have "always been faithful and loyal," but I can say that I AM faithful and loyal and will continue to be so until the day I die. I can say that with much more certainty than ever before.
I can never "make up" for hurting my husband like I did. What I can do is demonstrate, actively demonstrate my love for him every single day and make sure that he never, ever has any reason to doubt where my loyalties lie.
It sucks, yes. You did it, yes. I did it, without a doubt. And as trite as it sounds, that was yesterday. Look for the future and how you will make it better for yourself and for him. Start today.
Best of luck,
"Power, Lincoln, real power comes not from hate, but from truth."
Something QS said over the weekend, "Well it took 10 years, but I finally have the girl I always wanted to marry." Oh that cut like a knife. On one hand, yay for me. Progress right? He loves me and sees something of quality that prompts him to stay! On the other hand, holy crap. I was such a mess and blew up our world, how can he possible love/forgive me!?
We screw up so much with our affairs and the reminders can be obvious or come out of nowhere. I think this is where the thick skin comes into play. Acknowledge the hurt, feel it, then keep walkin'. That's what I keep telling myself anyway.
On the flip side of the coin, those words are sometimes the only words that I have to get me through another day of feeling like I was so much less.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
Two words that I feel helpless about. Two that I see as the end
Joanh, I hear what your saying. Something I have learned though is that you can be loyal and faithful and still be a real POS. You can be honest and be a complete ass etc. I used to think that words like that were destinations, but they are really actions. Actions that we choose daily, a course we choose to ride on. Did you and I get wayyyy off course? Absolutly! We can still right the ship and learn how to make better/healthy choices. Good luck
I have come to realize that I probably never was the wife that my husband wanted. We were married in 1994!! Talk about feeling unworthy of love and forgiveness!
It is so humbling to be in the face of such great love.
I've had people tell me that they've seen a love and adoration for me in QS's eyes that they've rarely seen before. I've had glimpses of it. I hold onto that. When the doubts come up, when the hurt washes over, I hold onto those glimpses of breathtaking love I've seen, the stability and consistency of his care and support, his example of integrity and honesty.
ETA: Cross posted with SMS
[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 10:31 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)]
Ever read other posts? See some behavior that wouldn't be considered loyal or faithful? Hell, some of it ain't even legal. Trauma excuses? If so, this site would be a lot smaller on the wayward side.
People are complex and creative when it comes to ways to fuck shit up. Some are courageous and strong enough to take hard honest looks and work to be better at this whole people thing. Some just slap the labels on, accept them from others and give up. Have little patience for them.
Besides, always thought loyal and faithful were more descriptors for a dog, although when mine ate my Manolo's dead was almost a far better choice.
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
2+ years past DDay, I can say that, wierdly, my H was always loyal in a way (he never allowed his AP to talk trash about me, in fact annoyed her with how positively he presented me), and he is NOW faithful.
So I can use those words to describe him now, and I hope I can continue to use them in the future.
And maybe the same will be true for you and your H.
Don't give up hope, Joanh. You're coming up on the 1 year anti of your DDay. Things tend to get a little more cloudy and backslidy for the BS right about now.
As the years progress, just know that it is up to each of us to be the best person we can be. We can't control how we are perceived. Keep building that trust and hope that in time your BH will see and feel the new, more authentic you. It's absolutely possible. It just takes a lot of work to get there.
It bothered me a lot early after d-day that faithful and loyal were gone and I had to always question whether she was 'ok and still with me'.
Our 25 year anniversary went by last year. I was proud we made it but at the same time wasn't ready to celebrate publicly. Being married in the church I celebrated and thanked God for being by our side and not leaving us the whole time.
I guess if I am alive for our 50th anniversary and I have to make a public statement I will thank God again and tell everyone how much I love FWW, how much I cherished her support and companionship and how thankful I am for "all the years she was loyal and faithful to me". No one needs to how many that actually was...
This is a great way to look at it:
tell everyone how much I love FWW, how much I cherished her support and companionship and how thankful I am for "all the years she was loyal and faithful to me". No one needs to how many that actually was...
Uncertainone, you have an excellent point. Why is it easier for us to hold on to negative qualities and not positive ones? My BH has more than once reminded me that even though I did a horrible thing, I am not a horrible person. I think it's a spin on the whole "love the sinner, hate the sin" attitude, but it is still hard to apply to oneself.
Why is it easier for us to hold on to negative qualities and not positive ones?
Because we're supposed to know right from wrong. We among the other animals have reason and free will to guide us, not to mention standards and mores that have been passed down through the ages; the rest are driven by instinct. Yet we all screw up at one time or another, anyway. Some more dramatically than others. It's a great paradox of humanity.
[This message edited by Sal1995 at 3:42 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]
I saw that in him and I ached for him. I couldn't make the changes for him, all I was capable of doing was loving him, and I did always.
I wasn't capable of making the changes in me that I needed to. I couldn't even see them, maybe I didn't want to see them.
Now I have to make those changes, cannot pretend not to see.
Now he has to make those necessary changes also. I see him now, not just wishing to be different but working for it.
We both are, we both backslide. We continue the struggle.
The only way that I can go forward and choose to share my life with him is to see that work, those changes.
He is working to become that man he always wanted to be. He is working to become that loyal, faithful, respectful man that he wants to be.
We can never change the past, we can only learn from it. We can only work towards a future, a better future.
We cannot change who we were. We can only work on who we are now with the hope and determination of becoming who we wish to be.
So much pain involved in this. So much work. To realize that dream, to become stronger, to choose to be faithful and loyal, not because it's expected but because you respect and love each other in an honest, open, intimate way, a way that was not possible before, because you WANT to.
If this is the price and that state of being can be achieved then all this pain will have been worth it.
I wonder if I ever could have appreciated the gift of love, intimacy, faithfulness and loyalty as deeply as I do now, if it had not been ruptured.
I know for my h and I, we never would have been able to confront ourselves, see what needed to change, if this crises had not occurred.
I will never feel "good" about what h did, but I will appreciate the changes it has caused for us.
Sorry this is so long and I think I have gotten way off track. Lately, my brain seems to have a mind of its' own.
Basically, Faithfulness and loyalty in the present and future are more important to me now. That is what I am risking my heart for.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
sorry, I'm being facitious but you get my drift....
[This message edited by rachelc at 5:34 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.”