SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

hdhs3 posted 9/24/2013 11:29 AM

I joined this forum today.
To make a long story short... I discovered 2 years ago that my wife of 20 years was involved in a long-term affair with someone at her professional office. She agreed to end it , we went to counseling for a few months , but her heart was not in it, I left and prepared myself for divorce and she went back to her affair partner . After about 6 months, our teen aged son learned the truth about the affair ( and moving in with me), she told me she wanted to try to reconcile. Her affair partner was also married and frankly I think she decided there really was no future there or she would have stayed with him. She agreed to find a new job, and frankly we struggled until she started her new job about 10 months ago now. I believe she has completely severed ties, and we have been moving forward with our lives, but intimacy is still a huge problem - especially for her - as I believe the affair experience still holds her captive and obviously we struggled with intimacy before - thus the affair. I am committed to the reconciliation process and am in it for the long haul, but frankly life is painful every day, we have been seeing a new counselor for over a year now and have been introduced to the Harvelle Hendricks and Schnark philosophies, so we are gaining incite, I just need encouragement to stay the course,I really believe in my heart that if I can be patient and show perseverance will we make our way to a wonderful place, I have seem many articles stating that couples who stuck it out( 5- 10 years) were glad they did , so if you have real success stories to share, I would love to hear from you, God Bless You.

Rebreather posted 9/24/2013 11:39 AM

Hi, welcome to SI. At the top of this section is a sticky with positive reconciliation stories. You might find some peace reading those.

Many here have successfully reconciled including the owners of the site. I do feel it was worth it. You have some challenges I didn't have to deal with, however, and I do think that matters.

thus the affair.

A good place for you to consider, is that isn't why your wife had an affair. My reconciliation was successful because my former wayward husband dug deep inside himself to understand his motivations for having an affair, and how to change that about himself. In turn, that gave me better sense of security in remaining with him and giving him another chance.

There is much to learn. But yes, reconciling is indeed possible.

Gr8Lady posted 9/24/2013 11:55 AM

There's so much in the healing library. Books too can help each of you grow during the journey,
Reconciliation is always a possibility. Personal growth individually and as a couple is going to be the key that unlocks the outcome.
I wish you success regardless of the outcome. Grow and learn.

confused615 posted 9/24/2013 12:06 PM

It takes 2 to R. What is your WW doing to R?

Is she completely transparent? Will she honestly answer all of your questions without anger,blame,and defensiveness? Do you have full access to all of her accounts and her phone..passwords included?

Does the OM's BW know of the affair? Did your WW send a NC email to OM to make sure he understood he is to never contact her again?

Was she tested for STD's? Did you see the results? Have you been tested?

Is your WW in IC to figure out why she did this?

Has she dropped all friends who are not friends of the marriage?

Is she remorseful? Is she posting here? Is she reading any books to help her understand the devastation she has caused..and how to repair the damage?

You being patient and trying to persevere is great...but what is SHE doing?

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:07 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

kansas1968 posted 9/24/2013 12:20 PM

Yes, of course there is hope. But it takes certain behaviors to make that happen and even though a marriage can survive without those, you will never feel secure without them.
If you make it clear that you are staying, no matter what, then she will continue in the fog.
You are blaming yourself for the affair because of intimcy problems. That is NOT an excuse for an affair.
She should have discussed her unhappiness with you and tried to work though it with you. If she couldn't, then she should have gotten a divorce, not subject you to a devastating betryal.

She needs to be making you feel loved and needed, much more important than her affair partner. Security comes from trust, and not neccessarily trust that they won't re-offend, but trust that they really want us. That is the hardests.

But weakness and allowing them to not make us feel secure is not going to conclude in a happy marriage.
Us showing strength, making it very clear that we are not to be treated as the default, standing up for ourselves, and the very clear message that we WILL leave if they are not fully committed to US, can and often does result it a stronger and happier marriage. Good luck, and remember, YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS TO HAPPEN, period!

2married2quit posted 9/24/2013 13:48 PM

we went to counseling for a few months , but her heart was not in it

Welcome to SI. Yep, it happens. My FWW would have easily left me of OM was single. What started as "let's just play and not fall in love" ended in "LOVE". So yeah, I get what you're saying and your W was not in it anymore.

2yrs should be a good amount of time to really have yours and her feet on the ground, the fog lifted and know what direction you two will go. I don't know much about the 'philosophy" you guys are following, but if it's about bring you two back into reconciliation, stick with it. We're trying here and it's been rough. Every day it hurts. Wishing you the best.