Many here have successfully reconciled including the owners of the site. I do feel it was worth it. You have some challenges I didn't have to deal with, however, and I do think that matters.
thus the affair.
A good place for you to consider, is that isn't why your wife had an affair. My reconciliation was successful because my former wayward husband dug deep inside himself to understand his motivations for having an affair, and how to change that about himself. In turn, that gave me better sense of security in remaining with him and giving him another chance.
There is much to learn. But yes, reconciling is indeed possible.
Is she completely transparent? Will she honestly answer all of your questions without anger,blame,and defensiveness? Do you have full access to all of her accounts and her phone..passwords included?
Does the OM's BW know of the affair? Did your WW send a NC email to OM to make sure he understood he is to never contact her again?
Was she tested for STD's? Did you see the results? Have you been tested?
Is your WW in IC to figure out why she did this?
Has she dropped all friends who are not friends of the marriage?
Is she remorseful? Is she posting here? Is she reading any books to help her understand the devastation she has caused..and how to repair the damage?
You being patient and trying to persevere is great...but what is SHE doing?
[This message edited by confused615 at 12:07 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
She needs to be making you feel loved and needed, much more important than her affair partner. Security comes from trust, and not neccessarily trust that they won't re-offend, but trust that they really want us. That is the hardests.
But weakness and allowing them to not make us feel secure is not going to conclude in a happy marriage.
Us showing strength, making it very clear that we are not to be treated as the default, standing up for ourselves, and the very clear message that we WILL leave if they are not fully committed to US, can and often does result it a stronger and happier marriage. Good luck, and remember, YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS TO HAPPEN, period!
we went to counseling for a few months , but her heart was not in it
Welcome to SI. Yep, it happens. My FWW would have easily left me of OM was single. What started as "let's just play and not fall in love" ended in "LOVE". So yeah, I get what you're saying and your W was not in it anymore.
2yrs should be a good amount of time to really have yours and her feet on the ground, the fog lifted and know what direction you two will go. I don't know much about the 'philosophy" you guys are following, but if it's about bring you two back into reconciliation, stick with it. We're trying here and it's been rough. Every day it hurts. Wishing you the best.