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Lightbulb: Just figured out why I'm so angry at his friend

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kickboxer posted 9/24/2013 11:40 AM

I've had a very difficult time with trust in general since discovering my husband's infidelity about 10 weeks ago.

I trust nothing and no one. I feel betrayed by everything and everyone who knew something was going on.

Perhaps it's irrational, but I don't care.

I see his car, computer, and cell his phone as tools for cheating. Betrayed by stuff.

I see the number of minutes they talked and the amount of text messages they exchanged. Betrayed by time.

I see one of his closest friends as being an accomplice. More betrayal.

Do I think this guy was supposed to babysit my husband or tell him what to do? Nope.

But he witnessed my husband start screaming at me one night a few years ago when my WH called me out of bed to come pick his drunk self up. I had to get our three sleeping children (all under age 5 at the time) up at 1 am, buckled in their car seats, and then drive from bar to bar looking for the man who was calling me names and saying hateful things to me because I told him to sleep it off and come home the next day. He was with him when he was raging mad at me before I got there, and he heard the horrible things he screamed at me in front of our kids.

He was with him over the years when my husband pushed the boundaries of flirting and phone number exchanges...often with girls he had introduced my WH to.

He knew when my WH had friended one of these inappropriate flirts on FB.

He effing knew.

And he still asked my WH to meet him at bars, and repeatedly asked my WH to put himself in situations that would blur the lines of our marriage.

He never asked my WH to hang out at a ballgame...or meet up for a movie...or just go to the shooting range -- or any activity that didn't involve alcohol and women.

He was only interested in socializing with my husband as long as it included booze and boobs.

I've spent years thinking this guy was a friend to our family...our marriage...but he wasn't. He knew damn well what my husband was up to, and he encouraged it.


confused615 posted 9/24/2013 12:00 PM

Nope. He not only is NOT a friend of your marriage..he is an enemy of your marriage.

Please tell me your WH understands this and has gone NC with this person?

SisterMilkshake posted 9/24/2013 12:02 PM

Was going to post exactly what confused posted. So, just "Ditto".

You have every reason to be angry with this person. Encouraging your WH to act like a single man. Douche!

LAFA posted 9/24/2013 14:23 PM

I agree. WH needs to lose this "friend" pronto.

StillLivin posted 9/24/2013 15:02 PM

Two words: Chopping Block!!!

Eudaimonia posted 9/24/2013 16:05 PM

Oh yes, we had one of those. We lovingly now call him "Shitbag." (He deserved one of my top 10 favorite names, bless his heart).

He was a BS. That's right, his wife cheated and cheated and cheated on him and it bwoke his wittle heart. While WH was on his many outings at the bars, Shitbag went on and on and on about how much it hurt him and his kids that she did this to them. Oh, woe is shitbag....meanwhile my WH is prepping to fuck OW in the alleys and in cars outside the bar. And Shitbag watched it all happen-(well, not the actual sex, as far as I know, but I wouldn't put anything past him).

WH called Shitbag when I discovered a couple of messages on FB to WH's ex girlfriends. WH called Shitbag, and Shitbag did not even blink an eye when WH had him delete every last email (thousands) from every last fake email account and dating site and FB, etc. Shitbag went on to spread to every single person that knew me that I "must not have been giving WH enough at home." "ToG is psycho because she's freaking out about a couple of sex emails"-and he KNEW my WH was having PA after PA after PA with his whore at the bar. Shitbag told lie after lie after lie about me and I DID NOTHING TO HIM!!!!! The only explanation I could think of is that he wanted WH for some "single guy buddy shit" or someone to double date with? I ask you, how could someone (a BS)-knowing how it FEELS to be utterly destroyed by infidelity-do THAT to another human being?? Just sayin.'

kickboxer posted 9/24/2013 16:44 PM

This guy is a co-worker.

My husband doesn't work in a typical office environment. He's in a very labor intensive, greasy job that often requires teamwork for lifting and heavy maintenance.

There are only 3 guys assigned to his area, and one of them works on other projects -- so it's really just the two of them all day.

Since DDay, my husband deleted his FB account and opened a new one -- this guy has not been added. I've also kept tabs on texts, and (as far as I can tell via text messages) he isn't asking my husband to hit the bars any longer.

I have no idea the nature of their conversations at work, but can only imagine the things my husband must have said to him over the years. The complaints about being miserable and unhappy.

As crazy as it might sound, this guy may have had good intentions --> you know, just trying to help his friend find opportunities to get his "needs" met...

Don't care.

That's a twisted sense of friendship. Friends don't help friends ruin their lives.

Pisses me off. Period.

When the shizz hit the fan 10 weeks ago, the OW contacted him. No one else (that I'm aware of). She went to she KNEW he was "safe territory". Hell, he could be orchestrating their continued contact even as I write this.

I don't trust anything right now.


Mousse242 posted 9/24/2013 19:39 PM

This guy is not a friend of your marriage. He has to go.

realgood2u posted 9/27/2013 00:37 AM

I have been planning to post on this same topic.

Thanks to the military career several OW have been left behind. Online OW vanished. Recent/local OW are not a problem as I do not work/live near any of them. So OW anger has never been a problem for me.

HOWEVER...the anger I have for the male coworker that aided WH in his most recent affair(s) is scathing. I call this fool WH's "wingman".
During the last A Wingman bought a house...exactly two blocks away. AND...they still work together.

Our youngest daughter just married...guess who WH invited to the wedding? And guess who had the balls to approach me in an overly friendly way dragging his new wife in his wake? Yep...Wingman. Thank God they did leave after the ceremony...guess me walking away abruptly was a hint.

Not excusing WH in any way, but if Wingman was on fire I would not stop to piss on him.

Thanks...I needed that.

[This message edited by realgood2u at 12:40 AM, September 27th (Friday)]

MediumRare posted 9/27/2013 00:52 AM

Hi kickboxer,
This person is not only NOT a friend to the marriage, but I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

People that sit quietly in such scenarios are just as guilty as those perpetrating the deeds, IMO.

This post really triggered me as I have a co-worker that tells me of his "friends" he goes out with, one of which is married and does all sorts of terrible infidelity, yet he meets this "friend" at their home, knows his wife and yet says nothing.

This co-worker was brutally cheated on in his first marriage, divorced, remarried and now it's pretty clear his 2nd wife is also cheating on him. So in some sick way, he goes out with the "guys" and one of these guys is a cheating douchebag with their wife, yet he doesn't feel the need to inform her as well as is cordial and friendly with her when he and her husband go out places, drink, etc.

So yeah, you may be angry at your WS friend, but I'm just as angry and feel you are 110% justified. I'm angry at my co-worker, this friend of his, and THE DROVES of people that think no action = innocence. IMO, witnessing this kind of shit and NOT getting involved is equal to doing it. My co-worker also refuses to divulge this "friend" of his info since I told him he's a real asshole for not telling the guy's wife... and made horrible ties to his own 2nd wife's affairs and his attitude (which I know was wrong.. but sue me).

Dreamland posted 9/27/2013 01:00 AM

I hate my brother in law who basically said to my H welcome to the club .. This is when my H told him about his incredible fuck night

Fucking bastards hate them both

SoOver96 posted 9/27/2013 01:17 AM

My WS has one of those and then WS friends gf keeps call I told him tonight that needs to stop why is she calling you and he says maybe its because I am the only one that gets thru to him um no its not your responsibility to help him out when he's helping to destroy our marriage I got her number tonight if she keeps this shit up I'm calling her up and telling her to workher own shit out. Or move to a dry town cause all that man does from the time he wakes up to the time he goes to bed is drink I'm surprised he hasn't died of alcohol poisoning this is the same couple that my husband helped move when the gf drove him to work but couldn't drive him home to let his wife and kids know he was alright fing b-$(@

SurelyNOT posted 9/27/2013 06:57 AM

Oh my goodness, I totally identify - I don't know where my husband manages to find the same kind of loser friends, who encourage him to have just one more beer, which by the way is NEVER just one more!!! Friends who babysat our two young daughters so that we could attend counselling sessions together, and said how they admired how we were working on our marriage (some years back) gossiped about our situation in the local bar and spread lies. I was horrified, these were "friends" of ours!!! Keep your head held high, this individual is not worth your anger or another passing thought. Good luck to you and sending (((HUGS)))

TrulySad posted 9/27/2013 08:02 AM

It's horrible, isn't it. I find it so sad that we live in a society where people condone this behavior, and actually encourage it.

This has been a BIG issue with us. But it was my WBF who took it upon himself to tell each and every "friend" of his that he no longer wanted to hang out with them (if they had anything to do with his lousy actions or just had shitty morals). He explained why, and owned what he did in a manner that took courage, and deserved respect.

There are a few people he still needs to address, and will once they reach out to him.

Work is a different situation. My WBF also works in an environment that requires assistance from others, in a mechanics field. These guys are the idiots who never miss a moment to be viewing porn on their phone, spewing loud comments to women who walk near, and discuss what "piece of a$$" they had the night before. Heck, the whore who runs the front office, has her own "Whore's Lounge and Bar" in the back... to include a sign with those words for the guys working there. Beer and fun after work.

WBF now tells me every time one of the guys attempts to engage in inappropriate discussions. He usually shakes his head and walks away. He's now known to speak out against the way these men look at women, to them. He NEVER stays late, NEVER talks with the whore up front unless it's work related, and since it's a new workplace for him (since the betrayals), I wouldn't doubt they question if he's even straight.

Kickboxer, stay strong, and don't waiver on what you're willing to accept. For someone to call themselves a friend of your WH, they must also be a friend of your marriage. If they aren't, they should hit the curb. You aren't irrational at all! The doubt you feel... it usually gets better if the W wants to do what's right, and does. It just takes a LOT of time to see it, and for it to start giving you some peace.

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