I'm spread very thin. We have three kids, I work 60 hours a week. Stuff like what you are describing happens to both DH and I. For us, it has nothing to do with the state of our marriage, my DH's issues. There are simply only so many hours in a day.
Here's what I've learned. I can't have as many priorities anymore. Seriously, my limit is 2. Right now, the rearing of our family is our main priority. Every decision we make needs to support that priority. And, we make these decisions jointly. Our marriage comes in second. As dire as that sounds, we still get 1-2 hours every night of alone time. We also go out for lunches together, I'm taking a day off of work so we can be together to nurture our marriage. So, it's not like we are neglecting each other.
So, if your priority is to heal your marriage, then you MUST look at all your other actives and ask it supports the healing of your marriage.
Does your playing hockey support making your marriage stronger? Does your wife's involvement in church make your marriage stronger? Does your daughter's activities allow you enough time to work on your marriage?
Why is your mom the only baby sitter? Again, does this choice support the building of your marriage?
What about the choice for TCD to work out at night. Why not during the day? Does this decision support the marriage and/or the family as a whole?
From our perspective, I don't have hobbies anymore, really. Of course it makes me sad. It's just that hobby time takes away from family/marriage time. Soon enough, our kids will be able to not need us so much. (In 6 years, our oldest will be driving and our youngest will be in school full time.)
We divided the job/homecaring tasks in such a way that best support our family. IMVHO, Nothing should be "off the table." We even limit our kids activities, because there just isn't enough time/energy.
Remember, you can have everything, just not at once.
ETA: We also communicate way more than we used to. Pretty much now, every night, we go through what's coming up for the next day. If DH notices I have forgot something, he'll gently ask about it. Same thing for me. Or I may say something like "Oh, I remember you talking about abc a week ago. Is that still on your radar?" Then I usually get one of two responses-yes, it's taken care of or thanks, that slipped my mind."
Because we have these sorts of communications, I absolutely feel like DH has got my back and is in my corner.
[This message edited by IRN2006 at 1:27 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]