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Finally went NC...not 180, but NC

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NewMom0220 posted 9/24/2013 12:33 PM

So I've been posting on here for the majority of the past 7 months. It's been an up and down roller coaster. I guess I had to go through it the way I had to go through it to learn that my unremorseful WS was never going to come back and the little shred of hope I had is now gone.

I've gone NC. Only email. Many SI posters have told me that this is the best way to deal with someone who acts the way my WS has acted. NC and treat it like a business.

Last week I was on my knees asking God to take the pain away. I was crying like it was DDay all over again. I was contemplating calling a suicide hotline, not because I can't live without my WS (I've been doing that for the last 7 months...with a new baby at that!), but because the emotional pain was crippling. He moved out of his sister's house and is now renting a room somewhere (if that is the real story). He never told me. He lied to me. It was devastating to learn that he moved (which just showed me he had no intention of ever coming back). When I confronted him about it, he just took my sadness and my weakness and turned it around on me and everything blew up into another catastrophic fight. This man is not my friend. He isn't my husband...he is toxic.

Other SI posters have used the term "crazy making" before..it is crazy making. You end up losing yourself in the anger, bitterness, confusion, sense of betrayal, sense of injustice...etc.

As soon as I went NC...the emails, texts, and phone calls started. I even caught him driving past the house during a time when he had scheduled visitation with the baby. I wanted to take the baby to meet a family friend and through his mother (I'm so serious about NC that I'm only speaking to his mother right now) he asked that I not take the baby to dinner because it was HIS time with the baby. I was scheduled to pick the baby up at 8:30pm. At 7:30pm he went driving past my house. He was NOT with the baby. The baby was at my in-laws and they live 15 minutes away. So as I've known all along...his concern for his son is all for show.

It is what you all have said: CRAZY MAKING!!!!

So I tried 180, I've tried to get along, to be civil, to be accommodating so that he has his time with DS despite all of the BS.

The hope is gone. It's been killed. The love is there, but the love I have is for someone that probably didn't ever exist. For now I'm blocking him from texting or calling. I've been scolded from worried friends that think if something happens to the baby he won't be able to reach me. But he could call him mom and his mom could call me. There is always email too.

Right now I have to protect myself. I just wanted to write this out in case others who are in my same boat are facing the same choices. I tried 180. I tried a lot of different things. NC makes me feel like myself again.

I've also gone public. Everyone at work knows I'm getting a Divorce now. I didn't want to accept that I was headed for Divorce, but when your husband moves and you don't even know his address or that he moved...well then...I guess that's a HUGE sign. Not like the cheating, lying, blame-shifiting, emotional abandonment, and emotional abuse weren't enough...but I think I finally found my last straw.

Thank you friends...you were all right all along. I never doubted you, I just held out hope. I feel much healthier. I know which way I'm going now and it can only be better than the last 7 months.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 12:35 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

NewMom0220 posted 9/24/2013 16:23 PM

What is it about going NC that makes them crazy? All of a sudden I'm getting emails left and right about needing receipts for baby supplies and NOW he wants to take our dog...our dog that he didn't care about for the last 7 months. We have 2 dogs BTW...and the first one lived with me prior to us getting married. The second dog he doesn't care about. But why pretend that you care about the dogs NOW...7 months later?

Crazy making. He's just trying to make me mad because I've been consistent about NC.

Stupid Taxi Driver!

lieshurt posted 9/24/2013 16:27 PM

I think they can't handle the loss of "control" over us when we go NC.

jackie89 posted 9/24/2013 16:51 PM

New Mom you are doing the right thing. You will not loose by going NC, you will only get stronger.

Hang in there!

SBB posted 9/24/2013 17:03 PM

We all have our moment of being D.O.N.E. Mine was after a hell-week of crazy making contact after a few months of being really good at NC.

I could have written your post around a year ago. The physical pain was a surprise - I didn't expect that.

Hold on tight. Post here when you're tempted to contact him. Ironically it is harder to resist contacting them to unleash hell than it was to resist contacting them to beg them to wake the fuck up.

NC did the same thing for me that you describe. NC = No New Hurts. It is the new hurts that are crazy making - and the limbo.

A few mantras I used to help get me through it:
"It stops when you say it stops."
"Its up to you how painful this needs to get."
"There comes a point where you're starting to hurt yourself (with contact)."
... and the words: surrender and acceptance.

This was actually happening. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't avoid the pain. I just had to surrender to it. Accept it.

NC is pretty easy for me now. Even when he is being a colossal fuckwit it doesn't enrage me like it used to. In fact after his last outburst my first thought was "how inappropriate". I wasn't hurt or angry at how he was treating me. My give-a-fuck was broken, finally.

NC also seems to help stop their outbursts - not initially, at first its like the crazy stick has been passed to them. But they eventually run out of puff when they realise they aren't getting a reaction, no ego kibbles for them.

His OTT contact, much like my own, was all about control.

It is a very important step you are taking. I cringe when I remember this time. It was very very painful. But it is useful pain. Healing pain. Not the crazy pain like before.

((NewMom0220)) Please know you're not alone. So many of us are walking or have walked this same path. You can do this.

sleepless34 posted 9/24/2013 17:06 PM

It works! It is the only way I have been keeping sane. It drives him bonkers and I loooove it. When I do get an email from him he tries to bait me into a fight and inflame the situation. I usually write a really snitty snotty note back but don't send it. Then I sit on it a day or so and communicate like an uptight assistant to the CEO- professionally curt.

Good for yoU!

SBB posted 9/24/2013 17:13 PM

and communicate like an uptight assistant to the CEO- professionally curt.


I AM an assistant to the CEO and I DO communicate with him like an idiot I am forced to work with.

I posted a funny SI Code for NC thread earlier this year where the term 'lower muppet' was born. It still makes me laugh like hell. Laughter somehow helps me stick to strict NC.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=484659

Housefulloflove posted 9/24/2013 18:30 PM

Ironically it is harder to resist contacting them to unleash hell than it was to resist contacting them to beg them to wake the fuck up.

It sure is. I remind myself that my words can't wake the dead and that idiot is brain-dead!

NewMom- Crazy making is what they do best. Fully accepting that it's the end of the road was so freeing to me. I was no longer hoping and waiting for any sign of the man I thought I married. It was sort of like a mental funeral where I accepted that I would have no more interactions with that man who is gone for good. It is still hard to process that the man I mentally buried never really existed. He was a character being played by a nasty, self-absorbed, NPD idiot.

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