It's coming up to trigger season for me - one year from the time when my WH's cheating began to escalate. I'm a ball of anxiety (more than usual, that is). I've spent the last 9 months constantly astonished at how much this hurts and how much it has impacted my life. I feel so much trepidation about the next three months: our anniversary, his A anniversaries and Dday anniversary all coming up. I feel sick just thinking about it.
At the same time, I feel resigned. Resigned that the life and love that I thought I had is gone. That the love that I felt for this person is never going to come back and if it does, it certainly isn't going to be the same love that I had before. It makes me so sad that this has been taken away from me.
And I feel resigned to the fact that he will cheat again. I don't believe that this won't happen again, as he claims. Everyone that I know who has a WS has had it happen a second time. We were at the pool with the kids on the weekend and I found scratches on his shoulder. He claimed he didn't know where they came from. All I see is some hooker digging her nails into his shoulder.
And I feel resigned to the loneliness that has now become apparent will become the rest of my life. I used to think my WH (pre-A) was my best friend, that I could tell him anything and that he was the one person I would go to with my thoughts, feelings and troubles. Now I've discovered that he doesn't want to hear my problems - he only wants to hear about the good things, the happy things, the Pollyanna life that he wants to have. He wants things to go back to the way they were when times were good, but those "good times" were superficial and false: there were no rough patches, no children to deal with, no traumas or difficulties at work or in life. So if I don't have my best friend anymore, and my WH doesn't want to hear about my problems, where do I turn when I need emotional support? My other friends? After 9 months, if I try to talk about what's hurting me, they either give me the pat answers (you're great, he's an idiot, blah blah blah) or I can see in their faces they don't want to hear about it anymore and that I should just get over it. So I'm resigned to my loneliness.
Apolgies for the pity party. I'm having a really rough week/month/year. Mostly I just wanted to write this down in the hopes of getting these depressing thoughts out of my head for a minute or two so I can function for the rest of the day. Not working, really, but I'm giving it a try anyways!