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Newest Member: Peapod (46006)

User Topic: Seeing with "new eyes"
myperfectlife
♀ 39801
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think one of the strangest, most difficult things in all of this is looking at my WS and seeing him as a different person.
I used to think of him as strong, but now I see that was simply "comfort" (a hug or cuddle, but not true resilience).
I used to think of him as trustworthy, but now I think of it as conflict avoidant...he isn't saying true things, only what I want to hear.
I used to think of him as fun and spontaneous, now I think of him as irresponsible.
I used to think he was devoted to me, now I see him as too insecure to be alone.
I've known this man for 18 years and I thought I saw all his flaws and strengths.
Now I see them in a different light and I don't like what I see.
I feel like I've pulled ahead of him, matured faster than him, left him trying to catch up to me.
I don't know if he has the tools to do that, or if I have the patience to wait.
I used to look at him as my partner, my teammate, me and him against the world.
My new eyes look at him and I ask myself if he is simply a burden I no longer wish to carry.
I never wanted a marriage like that, and I tried my best to NOT have a marriage like that. I almost feel like my WS has regressed, gone back a decade, become less mature. He seems weak.
I used to feel proud of him, of calling him my husband. Now I only feel sorry for him. And ashamed of what he's done.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
whatamidoing
♀ 37152
Member # 37152
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beautiful explanation for a painful process! I feel all of that about my STBXH
About two months after DD I saw the negative as poor choices and an opportunity for growth
Now I see he will avoid maturing and growing and responsibility and the truth till the day he dies
Maybe he doesn't want to be this person (most people would not want this) but will he do something, hard things, consistent things?
Can your vision of him return or change to a new positive
Depends on what is choosen
Good luck I hope it all works out for you


A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself
_________________________________
BS Me 43
WH 42
DD June 2nd '12
LTA (2+ yrs)
False R Many times from July '12 till now forced D
OW: acting like she is the wife

Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Guelph
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are told that happy marriages are based on good communication, shared values, a sturdy support system of friends and relatives, happy, stable childhoods, fair quarrelling, and dogged determination. But in a survey of 470 studies on compatibility, psychologist Marcel Zentner, PhD, of the University of Geneva, found no particular combination of personality traits that leads to sustained romance—with one exception: the ability to sustain your "positive illusions." Men and women who continue to maintain that their partner is attractive, funny, kind, and ideal for them in just about every way remain content with each other. I've seen this phenomenon, known as "love blindness," in a friend of mine. I knew him and his wife-to-be while we were all in college, when they both were slim, fit, energetic, and curious: a vibrant couple. Today both are overweight couch potatoes. Yet he still tells me she hasn't changed a bit. Perhaps this form of self-deception is a gift from nature, enabling us to triumph over the rough spots and the changes in our relationships. I'm not suggesting you should overlook an abusive husband or put up with a deadbeat bore. But it's worth celebrating one of nature's best-kept secrets: our human capacity to love…and love…and love.

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/How-to-Make-Romance-Last-Helen-Fisher-Love-Column_1

The ability to sustain your "positive illusions." Men and women who continue to maintain that their partner is attractive, funny, kind, and ideal for them in just about every way remain content with each other.
Lots of us here on SI who've had the scales fall from our eyes.

[This message edited by ladies_first at 2:24 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
kiki1
♀ 37184
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((myperfectlife)))

Very well put. Thank you for putting those conflicting feelings out there so nicely.

Though it makes me sad, I completely agree.


Posts: 701 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
crazyblindsided
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((myperfectlife))) yes these "new eyes" take some getting used to. I feel exactly the same way.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
thisissogross
♀ 30294
Member # 30294
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup. Not in the specifics perhaps, but I sure started seeing both of us and everything about our relationship differently. Hence my tag line.


"A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love." -Friedrich Nietzsche

i edit frequently because i have to


Posts: 241 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: southern us
StillLivin
♀ 40229
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You said what I hadn't verbalized yet.
And the shame, yes, so much shame that I feel for even bearing his last name, and people associate me with him.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2556 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
thecosmogirl
♀ 39707
Member # 39707
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very well said!!
I could've wrote this exactly :(

I'm so sad that I lost my best friend or what I thought was.....


Me: BS
Him: doesn't matter anymore...or does it...

Being very, very careful

D-day 14 June 2013


I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!


Posts: 184 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: trying to figure it out
Ashland13
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These are sentiments that I share and others have said about us, as well. It is thought to be one of the reasons he "chose" the OW he is still with. Because her personality may be similar, ETA easily manipulated and juvenile as well, where I am needing more reality and plans or a path.

It is also said that's why X cheated rather than left the M with dignity and simply saying he was not happy or whatever, because he could not tolerate being alone and needs that exhausting continued validation.

It's a shame that we have to learn things in such ways, but maybe we can all have a chance at "what's next?" once we're on our way.

It's been said several different ways, MPL's sentiments, like "rose colored glasses", "Thick Blinders" and so on. X used to come across as someone who saved the day, when it was actually controlling mechanisms.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 5:53 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2413 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
BeautifulEmpty
♀ 38763
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Omg..exactly. This crap just breaks my heart over and over.
Every time I start to regain a little of those 'positive illusions', I am forced to remember that it just isn't true.
How do we get over this?


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 264 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
myperfectlife
♀ 39801
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When someone betrays your trust and marriage vows, those glasses get ripped off, thrown to the ground and brutally crushed.

It is also said that's why X cheated rather than left the M with dignity and simply saying he was not happy or whatever, because he could not tolerate being alone and needs that exhausting continued validation.

This is exactly what I am going through right now. I refuse to be a place holder- either he is committed to me or not, there's no going back and forth. It's HIS problem, not mine. I left that stage of life behind in high school.
It is sickening. Just sickening.

How do we get over this?

I think the only way I can is by divorce.
I don't have the time, energy or love to put into figuring it out anymore.
They say you just know when you're done. Maybe that is where I am.

[This message edited by myperfectlife at 9:37 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 11

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