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Told my mother

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Aubrie posted 9/24/2013 12:37 PM

She knows I'm a cheater.

Strangely, she wasn't surprised. I gave confirmation about a "mother's intuition" she had.

She was supportive. Non-judgmental. Course it's still sinking in, so that may change.

Don't really know how I feel. Exhausted. Sad.

gahurts posted 9/24/2013 12:47 PM

Wow. That must have been tough.

I'm glad she took it the way she did and is supportive so far. Hope it keeps up. Maybe this could be the start to make some inroads for the two of you discussing some other serious issues and moving forward together in your relationship.

MCJLM posted 9/24/2013 13:46 PM

Aubrie,
I'm sure that wasn't easy. I told my mother as well, right after my H found out. This was at the urging of my H, but I'm glad I did.She was also very non judgemental of me, like your mom sounds. It was also apparent she desperately wanted our M to be ok. It's been a year and we don't talk about it anymore. I know she wants to ask how we are, etc. but either she is respecting our privacy or can't deal, not sure which. We are not great communicators on many levels.
Either way, she knows, and it has, at times throughout this past year opened up some real conversations, ones that we had never had. The A, unfortunately is now part of me. I am not the perfect child like she perceived me to be. That was something we both had to come to terms with. Not sure where she is on that.
Another way for me to own my shit.
Hope all goes well with you and your mom. Good luck.

Aubrie posted 9/24/2013 14:21 PM

In one way it was difficult but it's also like I always knew I'd tell her, it was just a matter of time and the right amount of courage.

Something she said kind of bugged me. When I told her, she said, "I do know that QS is a very difficult person to deal and live with." Oh hair no! Don't even go there. I cut that one off at the pass.

Nothing he did/didn't say/do is justification enough for my actions. Instead of taking my issues to him, I took all my brokenness and looked to another man. Several times. Yes QS is a difficult/complex man. Aren't we all? Doesn't make my actions ok.

I let her know that this was my crap choice and she "got" that. She said she wasn't blaming him and understand that it's not a cut and dried situation.

She offered no advice, no feelings on it one way or the other. She just listened. And vowed to not tell anyone else. And when we were texting later, told me she deleted all incriminating texts. So *shrug* I dunno.

Also told me that "No family is exempt from heartache. It may not always be infidelity, but it would shock you to know the accusations that I've heard. Every family has something. Every family has drama. Every family has hurts." (She's a deacon's wife at church)

So yeah. For now, all is calm. And I'm fully aware that could change 20 minutes from now.

She-Ra posted 9/24/2013 14:36 PM

(((Aubrie))) I know you love your hugs )

I hope she can be a good shoulder to lean on when you need it

MCJLM posted 9/24/2013 16:21 PM

Wow, sounds like she has quite a bit of wisdom. Sounds healing, too. :):)

wifehad5 posted 9/24/2013 16:24 PM

Now that you've told her are you prepared for what will happen if she tells other people?

MCJLM posted 9/24/2013 16:26 PM

And good for you for setting the record straight that it had nothing to do with your H. :)

Aubrie posted 9/24/2013 18:07 PM

I know you love your hugs

Did you not see that I willingly gave you a hug yesterday missy?

Now that you've told her are you prepared for what will happen if she tells other people?
QS and I hashed out telling my mother for months. This wasn't a snap decision or one made in dramatic emotion. We do think it was the best decision, based on our circumstances. She said she wouldn't tell anyone and she doesn't lie. She does keep her word.

And if she does tell for some reason, I really don't care what other people think/say/do. It's my life, my marriage, not anyone else's. "OMG, I didn't know you were licensed in counselling! Oh, you aren't? Have a nice day."

If they want to write me off the books, that's their call. This doesn't concern them, it hasn't affected them in the least, I didn't sin against them, so if they want to crucify me for something that is really none of their business to begin with, again their choice. I have a marriage I'm fighting for and I have no problem going NC with anyone who wants to give either of us lip about it.

Am I scared Dad will find out? Kinda. But geez, the guy already has issues with me, what's one more?

QS and I are a united front for anyone that has marital "advice", suggestions, or the ever popular, "If I was in your shoes..." They will be faced with a united front of QS and I turning and walking away. That sounds like an oxymoron...

wifehad5 posted 9/24/2013 18:08 PM

I love that answer

Unagie posted 9/24/2013 19:02 PM

(((Aubrie))) hey hun I'm proud of you're strength. I know how hard that had to be. It looks like you're handling it beautifully.

Apple3point14 posted 9/24/2013 20:05 PM

I remember when I told my mom. She was extremely supportive, but I could look at Her eyes and see the disappointment.
Since it's sunken in for her, she has become even more disappointed. When your own mother tells you to get your head out of your ass, you tend to think there's something to it.

[This message edited by Apple3point14 at 8:20 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

TimeToManUp posted 9/24/2013 20:20 PM

QS and I hashed out telling my mother for months. This wasn't a snap decision or one made in dramatic emotion.

Not me... Sure as Hell wish we had.

We do think it was the best decision, based on our circumstances.

For me, big mistake.

If they want to write me off the books, that's their call. This doesn't concern them, it hasn't affected them in the least, I didn't sin against them, so if they want to crucify me for something that is really none of their business to begin with, again their choice. I have a marriage I'm fighting for and I have no problem going NC with anyone who wants to give either of us lip about it.

Absolutely right.

I'm glad to hear this went well for you. Hopefully it relieves some pressure inside you. Hugs are for TCD and the DDs, but I can offer a fist bump.

RockyMtn posted 9/24/2013 20:38 PM

Also told me that "No family is exempt from heartache. It may not always be infidelity, but it would shock you to know the accusations that I've heard. Every family has something. Every family has drama. Every family has hurts."

Smart lady. This sentiment is something that gets me through everyday. Infidelity isn't the only shit sandwich out there. Shit sandwiches are sort of part of the human experience. And so many families have lived through equally compelling hurts and come out better, stronger. I guess it is a message of resilience for me.

Aubrie posted 9/24/2013 20:46 PM

When your own mother tells you to get your head out of your ass, you tend to think there's something to it.
Mom's been telling me different variations of that pretty much my entire life.

Hugs are for TCD and the DDs, but I can offer a fist bump.

You're right Rocky. And Mom is too. I often forget, there's soooo much more to life than "just" infidelity. Obviously for those of us here, it's kind of a big deal. But there are so many other hurts in the world as well.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 8:47 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

Joanh posted 9/24/2013 22:20 PM

Wow That took courage. I have stayed away from my family for the last year as much as possible. I know my mom knows something up too.
It takes amazing courage to do that, do you feel some relief tobe free of this secret?

Aubrie posted 9/25/2013 08:56 AM

do you feel some relief to be free of this secret?
I don't know. I'm not really "free". It's still a secret.

But I think there is a sense of relief simply for the fact that I don't have to hide some things from her now. If I say, "No, today is not a good day." or "Ya know, that's not working for me." she will be more understanding. Less of a battle on my end. It just makes my life a little bit easier. Selfish? I don't know. Maybe a little. I just about don't care anymore.

Joanh posted 9/25/2013 09:13 AM

I guess yes the secret will allways be there in some shape or form. And yes I agree it gets to a point where to hide it is just not worth the effort. It just adds more lies whether by omission or not. Still be proud of your self. You are an inspiration to me as well as all you ladies and gentlemen that are doing such hard work to be where you are at.
Thankyou

LosferWords posted 9/25/2013 10:00 AM

How are you and QS doing today, Aubrie?

I remember when my wife told her aunts about everything... it was a strange experience. I was very proud of my wife for coming clean to the part of her family that she respected the most (her mom has passed away, so she couldn't tell her). A day or so after I had a lot of weird feelings, though. Kind of hard to describe. I almost felt like the knowledge of more people knowing put me under the looking glass a bit.

I would definitely suggest lightly touching base with QS over the next few days, or at least keep an eye on how he's doing. He might have some unexpected emotions come up, whether he expresses them outwardly or not.

Either way, I think this was a huge step for you, and what you did with telling your mom took a lot of courage. Good for you with having a pre-planned united front with QS should this news filter to your dad or other people, too.

[This message edited by LosferWords at 10:01 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

Aubrie posted 9/25/2013 10:30 AM

How are you and QS doing today, Aubrie?
In regards to telling my mother, fine.

There is another raging fire that's burning and we're struggling to put out, but that's another subject for another time.

I do understand QS is a slow burn. His processor is slow. I will be keeping an eye on his behaviors and such like.

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