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A few months ago HL wrote about a move coming up for us. The move is now completed and he is in his new job. Unfortunately, this move did not go smoothly or well for us.

It started with me feeling great about things when he left to stay in Tucson, and that ended within the first two days. I found some emails concerning things that he should have absolutely should have shared with me and he didn’t. He let me find out about the situation by finding these emails, he had the power to sit me down and discuss it with me a week prior to him leaving and he didn’t do it. To say that I was angry and upset and now triggering about him being in the new job would be an understatement. When confronted, he didn’t handle it well, he minimized and blameshifted which furthered my anxiety over it. It took about two days to get him on the same page as me. By that point I was almost done. You see, all of his issues took place at his old job, a place just like the new job. So by the time he got home on the weekend I was just about shut down, and he did not address it. He didn’t sit me down and talk about it. He was concerned with seeing me and that was it. At that point I completely shut down. It was that or leave, and I couldn’t do that as our kids were having trouble adjusting to us leaving.
See during all of this, we were finding out that our youngest is involved with drugs, a bad one. He was going downhill and I was trying my best to be available to him as he was coming by to spend time with me. The middle one was involved with a girl who was about to have a baby and we were forcing him to move out for the first time in the middle of all of that and he was struggling too. So I couldn’t just leave. So I shut down on HL. I distanced myself from him. Emotionally. I also realized during this time frame that all of the things that have happened between us, the EA’s on his side, from the first one 19 yrs ago, to this last one, and me choosing to have sex with someone else, these have all been deal breakers for me. I have tried to force myself to swallow all along that they weren’t, but they were. Once I truly admitted that to myself weeks ago I felt like I could breathe again.
So now what? Things have been very rocky for us. HL has been very resentful of the fact that I have not been supportive of him. I have been very angry that he has not understood the ramifications of his actions. I have asked multiple times for what I needed from him. But because of his own anger he couldn’t hear me. We had a rough weekend and many things came out that cleared up what has been going on. Problem is, I am so totally shut down at this point and angry that I don’t know if I can come back from it.
Hl sees now what has been happening and has apologized for not seeing it. I believe he will try to do what he can. I need help. I need perspective on how to start moving forward. Because I don’t know that I can in the direction of our M.

I wanted to let you know you are heard. I am very sorry you are dealing with so much at once. Trying to heal from infidelity and deal with major kid issues is very hard, been there. Even though you are so down, it sounds like you & your husband did some good communicating this past weekend. Remember you are stronger than you think. Keep asking him for what you need vs. keeping it in and letting the pain/anxiety grow. And this may change throughout the day or daily, weekly. It helps me when I write out the anger & pain in a journal or here. Maybe this is the beginning of being a team dealing with your kids or at least being able to share your feelings with him.
It makes you so tired when you have so much going on emotionally. Try to do something good for you. I'm sorry you are hurting.

What if you do this.

Take a step back from the cliff.

Realize that when the going go tough, you both went to old coping mechanisms. You locked down, he became needy. Neither work.

Can you just acknowledge that is what happens, errors were made, but the intent wasn't to cause harm. It just was what it was. Knowing this, in the future when a time of stress approaches, you will know 1. TG doesn't get to shut down this time and 2. HL doesn't get to become a pit of need (nor does he get to fuck up in the first place).

My blessings to you on what you are going through with your child. I'm so sorry. You and HL will want to be on the same page there and place your focus there. I hope you guys can get there. You have both been such an inspiration to so many.

[This message edited by Rebreather at 2:49 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

I think this is the hardest part is when these old coping mechanisms come creeping back in. That is the true test of change. When I see any of my WH's old moods I trigger immediately.

(((tired girl))) I'm sorry you are in this place. Dealing with family problems at the same time is exhausting, I understand as I have 2 kids that are very ADHD and I am like a single parent. I feel like cracking on stressful days

I feel like there were times once I got moved to the new place where I tried to step forward and open up. Because he was resenting me and fully engaged in old behaviors he didn't see this. At this point, I just have nothing left. Today I am just feeling so sad.

The thing with me is, if I had truly been engaging in old coping skills, I would not have talked to him, and I would have left. My first instinct is to run. Me staying has taken every new bit of skill I have. To stay and keep asking him to show me in actions how he is going to make the marriage safe on his end, is not in my nature. He is just now after this weekend understanding why I was asking this. Three years ago, I would have been long gone, I would have found a way to stay up with my kids.

Shutting down is my default. And it is my last big one. I have tried, tried not to go there completely. And I failed.

but the intent wasn't to cause harm. It just was what it was.

This right here really got to me rebreather, thank you.

oh honey.... (((TG))) I am so sorry you are going through this. What are the chances of you & HL getting back into MC or you getting back into IC, at least?

We have discussed MC, it is on the table. He is starting IC again.

I am just not in a place to start with a third IC in as many years right now.

Sorry you're dealing with tough times tg. We were in Tucson until fairly recently, if you'd like the names of our former counselors (who we LOVED) pm me. Will be wishing you luck either way, and sending hugs.

He is starting IC again.

Good. I think MC would be very beneficial, especially with the stress on your M from the situation with your youngest.

Thisissogross I will do that for sure thank you.

MJ,
That situation has just broken my heart.

TG, you are a really awesome person, I hope you feel that today. Shit is hard. Changing ourselves is hard. I want to smack HL upside his big dumb head for "starting it" with whatever fuck up he did. You are more than the sum of your marriage. If you need to call it, then call it. But if you think there is more room for growth, no matter how ugly or painful, you keep on keepin on. We'll be here.

Rebreather your words bring me to tears. Thank you. I always believe in room for growth, hopefully together. I know what he did had no intent behind it. It has been this that I need him to look at. I also think that is why your words brought me up short. It reminded me to look at the big picture and not get so lost in the details.

It reminded me to look at the big picture and not get so lost in the details.

This is so hard for me as well. I always seem to be getting lost in the details.

MJ,
That situation has just broken my heart.

I know hon. (((TG)))

look at the big picture and not get so lost in the details.

THIS. Easier said than done, I know.

TG,

I've appreciated your posts and wisdom during my time here. I'm very sorry you and your family are going through a rough time right now. Thinking of you and I hope things get better.

tired girl, I'm sorry to see your are struggling. You and hardlessons have helped both myself and my wife incredibly during our time here and I hold you both in high esteem.

I don't have much otherwise to say or add, I wish I did. I hope things will improve for you and I'm sure you'll be able to handle what life brings your way.

these have all been deal breakers for me. I have tried to force myself to swallow all along that they weren’t, but they were

There's been many days lately where I've been wondering if that has been the case for me. I even talked to FR at length about it which distressed her a lot. I'm reaching a point now where I don't believe it is, that I just need more time to process and deal with things.

Hang in there and take care.

hb0903,

Thank you so much, I also enjoy reading your posts as well. I believe you give hope to many that even after D, there can be R.

VD,

I talked to HL about how I felt about these things being deal breakers for me. I believe that I have tried to convince myself for a long time, 19 yrs, that they weren't. Here is the thing, I am not sure that this means I want out of the M at this point, for me it means I need the M to look totally different. Up until this weekend I don't think HL knew why.
Thank you for the support from you and FR.

[This message edited by tired girl at 11:38 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

CBS,

Having the added stress of our son has not helped at all. We have both been very stressed about it.

When I start looking at the details, it just starts looping, when I step back, it feels very different. Today has felt very sad for me.

TG, your posts and those of HL have taught me a lot while I have been here on this journey. And I have seen you grow and learn in my 21 months here. You are a strong woman.

To face this challenge at the same time as the challenge of your son is super tough. What Rebreather said seems spot on here in terms of seeing the big picture and realizing these are familiar coping strategies and that no harm was intended. I see the shutting down as a coping strategy that I could easily turn to given another trauma or stress. And I understand how much it takes to stay and keep asking for what I need, even when I still do not receive it.

Keep working and moving. I think IC for HL is great at this point. I think MC with two prongs is also great: 1) concrete strategies to support your son together and 2) how to build the marriage you want and how to break old patterns (but part of this is for HL in IC, and eventually you in IC). If you aren't ready for a new IC, do you have IRL people to turn to? Hard in a new city. Also what about support for family members of kids with addiction. That is a tough road to walk. You don't have to do it alone.

Thinking of you. And HL. And your boys.

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 1:12 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]