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Taking a leave of absence

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npfahl posted 9/24/2013 13:19 PM

I am getting ready to to tell my boss that I am going to take a 2 month leave of absence from work, as I just cannot follow through with anything right now. I feel so bad because everyone at work has been so supportive and caring. I know by me leaving is going to really cause them a lot of stress. Am I being weak by doing this? I'm just not right in my head right now and and feel I need to do some soul searching and re-building within myself. The pain is just too may be killing me.

LonelySilhouette posted 9/24/2013 13:25 PM

All I can say is thank heavens for my job. When I first found out, yes, of course it was hard to go to work. But OTOH, it gave me something else to think about and allowed me to escape from the personal mess for a set amount of hours. Everyone is different, I know, but you might want to consider that work can be therapeutic at this time and a much needed distraction.

Smokehouse posted 9/24/2013 13:29 PM

Hello npfahl. I think you do what you think is best for you. Just don't shut down completely. Take the time off and work on yourself, IC, exercise, getting through this the best you can.

I wish I could have taken time off. I have taken a day here and a day there, called in sick quite a bit, but it has helped. I did it on the days I just couldn't do it, couldn't make it. I am only 2 months out from DDay 1, 1 month from DDay 2. Very hard to cope, but getting better.

Talk to somebody, spend some time with a friend. Take care of yourself .

TrustGone posted 9/24/2013 15:44 PM

You do what you need to do in order to figure out what you want. I am on year two. I was on the job of my life at the top of my career when DDay#1 hit. Then I had another DDay and health problems that have prevented me from going back to work now. What I have gained is a sense of myself that I never had before. I have more time for friends and things I enjoy now. I miss work but I am getting by OK without it. Luckily I had enough saved to help me get by for awhile. There is nothing wrong with taking time to reevaluate where you are and what you want. It is after all your life and we only get one of those. (((HUGS)))

1Faith posted 9/24/2013 16:16 PM

I agree with the others to do what you need to do.

I would, however, suggest you think about taking a few days off and then seeing if you can have some flex time.

IMO, the worst thing to do is to give 100% of your time and energy to try and figure this all out. It is consuming enough but for many, work can be a much needed distraction from the world of uncertainty and unanswered questions.

You will NEVER understand the HOW or the WHY. Regardless of the "reasons" it is unfathomable for those who have never cheated.

It is like trying to understand why a terrorist chooses to blow himself up and injure and kill innocent people around him.

Please do what you need to do but focus on healing. Focus on putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward somehow, someway.

IC is a great place to start.

Take some time but know that you will truly need a break from the affair as well.

Good luck and know that we are all here rooting you on.

Good luck and prayers.


[This message edited by 1Faith at 4:18 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

mixedintherut posted 9/24/2013 18:37 PM

I agree with the others you need to do what is best for you. However, if you can by chance start by taking a few days off first. Perhaps a Thursday and Friday, or a Monday and Tuesday, giving yourself a longer weekend. You may realize that you have too much time.

I am currently a stay at home mom, and quite honestly, I don't know how much longer I can do it. The first second that I start thinking about the A, I can't stop thinking about it the rest of the day. I am looking into jobs, as a distraction.

Good luck with your decision!

avicarswife posted 9/24/2013 20:51 PM

I think you need to do what is best for you.

I could hardly function at work for the first month or two. Certainly my masters study went on the back-burner as my concentration for well over 6 months was like that of a goldfish.

I had a fortnight off work - although it was because of WH's mental health issues (acute depression and suicide attempt) when I told him to leave for breaking NC. I was so pleased to get back to my work team after that. They have been the most supportive group possible and it is one place where everyone knows about his affairs and I don't have to feel like I am keeping secrets.

Do what is best for you, but make sure there are people around to support you in whatever decision you make.

ItsNotUitsMe posted 9/24/2013 22:53 PM

My career suffered as a result of d-day. I was out of work 2 weeks before I could go back. And even then I was barely functioning. I wish I could have "checked out" for awhile but I needed the income and had to drag my ass there if I was productive or not. I have alot of responsibilities and I was just terrible at it for awhile.

At the same time, not sure if staying home on the couch wallowing and having that idle time to dwell and over think would have done me any good either.

I would say that if you are able to take the time off without causing yourself more stress,
AND you have a clear plan of action for yourself to work on during your time off than I say it could be a good idea and might help you get over the hump or funk or whatever you are trying to accomplish.

HurtButHopeful? posted 9/26/2013 18:12 PM

first, if you don't mind, I want to give you a hug


Like others said already, you need to do what you think is best for you.

From my experience, and what I've read here, it won't take an entire 2 months before you are able to function.

The first couple of weeks are the worst. After that, one can function better (get up, take a shower, cook dinner, etc.) but the mind is still very focused on the pain and the A. However, it is possible to get some things done.

Is it possible for you to just take a couple of weeks off, and then re-evaluate and see how you feel then?

Like you, I could barely function. I had 4 children under 13 at the time, and I was like a zombie, barely doing the minimum needed to take care of myself and my children. If I hadn't had to get up, I wouldn't have...ever...again.

Eventually the shock and constant numb pain wear off, and the flashes and stabs of pain start. After that, the anger sets in.

I know you feel like you are going to die from the pain, literally. I thought death would be better than the pain I felt. But all us BS'es are still here, alive and feeling better over time.

You will too. Really.

MJane posted 9/27/2013 07:38 AM

Just repeating what others have said - I would say definitely take some time away but are you sure you want to take as much as two months? I know I barely functioned in the first week but as time has passed work has been a real godsend - I may be working below par but it does me good to have the majority of my day focused on things that aren't the A or H. I see the other side of my life - which continues - and realise there is so much more to me than just being his W and having to deal with this deep hurt. I send you lots of warm wishes and hope you get the support you need.

homewrecked2011 posted 9/27/2013 07:46 AM

I went to a mental health facility, talked to the intake person. She got me into their outpatient counseling program-- every day 9-3 for 3 weeks. They said most people file for FMLA.

BTW over 3/4 of the people in my group of 25 were there because their H cheated on them!!!!! We were all very normal people -- not what I had stereotyped in my mind.

It helped me SO MUCH!!! 3 weeks of all day therapy is like a year of 1xweek counseling.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 7:47 AM, September 27th (Friday)]

refuz2bavictim posted 9/27/2013 07:59 AM

I took an entire year.

Diving into an uncertain outcome, is not a sign of weakness.

Taking care of yourself and knowing what you need in order to do that, will make you stronger.

betrayedme2 posted 9/27/2013 08:20 AM

I don't like how you ended your msg..."it may be killing me." Above all you have to take care of yourself. The pain is immense, we all know that here. It does get better and you WILL get through the hell. What's the quote, I think from Churchhill? "When you're in Hell, keep on going". That's what you've got to do!

Regarding taking time off from work. I really like the idea of taking a few days off. Fortunately for me, my DDay was on a holiday weekend, so had an extra day or two. I work from home, so I'm luckier than most I suppose. I do remember the first day back at my desk was a complete and absolute fog. Looking back, I was probably only 50% there for several months, even now I don't feel like 100% and it's been 8 months. My supervisor only knows I had "trouble" at home and has been very supportive. Hopefully yours will be too, but as a manager myself, I struggle when I have someone out of the office long term, so have an honest talk. They may prefer you be there, even at 50%, than not at all. In all honesty, the 50% that I was there, was healthy. At least that way I didn't focus 100% of my energy on what happened.

Sorry for a long reply, but hopefully you'll find something in there of use. Take care of yourself!!

HurtButHopeful? posted 9/30/2013 15:59 PM


How are you holding up?


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