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Newest Member: NEfEm (46010)

User Topic: What does HB lead to???
Kingsj
♂ 40776
Member # 40776
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My D-day was three weeks ago today. I don't have to explain all the lies I've waded through.
I am completely unable to resist any advances from my wife. Even now, its pathetic really. So far, I have stayed away from situations in which HB might happen, but I need more mental ammo to help me see what the aftermath would be. Please, please help me!
How does HB effect our relationship at this point?


Me - BH 38
Her - WS 38
DDay 3SEP2013
2 DD (6,9); 1 DS (3)
Tried to R - No joy
Filed for D 3/2014
Hoping to finalize D before Christmas

Posts: 10 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I think that it's a natural thing, in many ways. On the plus side, its an attempt to re-claim your own, to mark your territory, to form new bonds. On the minus side, it can be an attempt to seduce the BS into rug-sweeping, to punish the WS by using them as a sex toy (and BSs can do this as well, I sure did for a while), and to not face reality. It can also be used as a means of pregnancy for all of the reasons above, so birth control should be primary on your mind.

For me, it was re-claiming of territory and frankly, a chance for me to indulge in sex without feeling any guilt at demanding what I wanted. There was a bit of showmanship too because no Ho was EVAH going to outdo me in the bedroom , but I completely enjoyed it.

Be prepared though. It very likely will, at some point, either drop off, or go away completely. Its not uncommon to HB wildly for a while and then completely not want anything to do with the WS as disgust/hurt/mind movies take over.

There's the emotional component too. If you are frantically trying to bond with a WW who is frantically trying to rug-sweep, or who is cooly trying to take advantage of you and lead you around by manipulative sex, then you need to back away.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5217 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Stillkicking
♂ 38246
Member # 38246
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome king, first off need to ask you some questions.

Is your wife being truly remorseful? has the affair actually ended?
Is she being completely honest and transparent with you?
Has she been tested for std?

As for HB, if she is doing everything you need to feel safe there isn't any reason other than your own personal ones for you to avoid it, it can help to restore a bit of closeness and connection to each other. It can bring a certain release and distraction from what you have to deal with. Enjoy it while it last.


You'll never learn to fly
until your standing at the cliff

I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.


Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
cuppacoffee
♀ 39313
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we got pregnant out of it.

however the flip side was I started equating sex with love so when he doesn't want to dtd I feel unloved. blah!


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 361 | Registered: May 2013
Simple
♀ 18814
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH and I did HB as well. For about a month non-stop every day. All I can say is it was fun BUT be very careful. We both found out that we're doing this because of what Skan says and at the same time it's a way of denial, of running away from the actual problem. I used sex as a BS so I don't have to feel all that hurt and pain. I was lucky that my own FWS is the one that made me aware that this is what I was doing and that we should stop. At that time my FWS was serious in rebuilding the M and he knows just rug sweeping it is going to lead again to the next 11 years of A.

So be careful. Don't let HB become a distraction. Don't get pregnant during that too... specially if you're still not sure to R or D. Not good for the kids and a woman pregnant is not in her right emotional state sometimes. We were in R for a couple years and then I got pregnant and man there were suddenly triggers everywhere! It was all the damn hormones so be careful.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How does HB effect our relationship at this point?

It depends what "meaning" *you* choose to associate with sex: love, sexual release, emotional attachment, reproduction, pleasure, reclaiming territory, demanding "equal to or better than" OM, bonding, etc. Often, it's more than one of those things, often simultaneously, which leads to confusion in some and heightened excitement in others.

I am completely unable to resist any advances from my wife.

Nah, you have successfully resisted sex for 3 weeks.

Only one question here: Does Kingsj feel SAFE having sex with WW?

And one caution: Just make sure WW does not have a STD before you have unprotected sex.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Hopefulinva
♀ 40348
Member # 40348
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB was in our case very healing. I'm only 8 weeks out, but we have been more connected sexually than we have been in years.

I believe we are out of that phase as while it's still much more than just the sex it was before ONS, it's different than it was immediately after dday.

I think it's going to depend on the situation and couple, but in our case it has been very healing to reconnect on that intimate level.


BW: me 33
FWH: him 34
Married 15 years
2 DD 14, 10
ONS stranger from the bar 7/26/13
Dday 7/29/13
Fully committed and immersed In recovering what we lost along the way.

Posts: 23 | Registered: Aug 2013
Kingsj
♂ 40776
Member # 40776
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me try and give a little more about my situation.

No, my wife has not shown a lot of remorse. She is blaming me and claims I've been abusive in our relationship. So she did this to hurt me, to make me feel the pain she has felt. Well, I don't know what pain she felt, but she succeeded in hurting me.

I have good reasons to believe the A was a one night stand, but have not been able to verify that.

She is anything but transparent. Since this kicked off, she has changed her passwords to everything, separated my phone from our phone services, put a cypher lock on her cell, defriended and blocked me on FB, refused to attend MC, and refused to speak to me directly about what happened.

I am reeling. The magnitude of her response to being caught is the only thing that has helped me keep my distance. Some days she is a complete B and some she starts being sweet. I'm just confused, but under the right circumstances, I would be a pushover for HB.

I appreciate the comments b/c what I am seeing that is HB that is a mutual attempt at connection seems to be fairly healthy, but in my case, I believe it would be manipulative and "rug-sweeping" by my WW.

I'm so sad. Thanks for all the responses.


Me - BH 38
Her - WS 38
DDay 3SEP2013
2 DD (6,9); 1 DS (3)
Tried to R - No joy
Filed for D 3/2014
Hoping to finalize D before Christmas

Posts: 10 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
k94ever
♀ 11176
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmm....I would check with a lawyer to see if your state has the caveat that if you have sex with the WS, that in effect you are condoning the affair.

I'd check with a lawyer. And if she's un-repentant and un-remorseful I wouldn't be having sex with her.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6633 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
jrr111800
♂ 39919
Member # 39919
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ughhhh….you have bigger issues to worry about than HB. IMHO HB is not an option at the moment. As WH, I think your WW is at the moment not deserving of any affection. Regardless of what she think she was doing or her reason, she was wrong and still remains in the wrong. My BS and I HB’d for a good two weeks. However, I understood the complete magnitude of my F—K up. I am pretty sure she would have not touched me or even looked at me, shoot she might have even left me if I didn’t. Like others have said here there are a few reasons behind HB but unless she is willing to own her mistake you need to keep your distance. For what I read you need a lawyer stat. I am sorry this going on my friend. Stay Strong.


Me-WH-38
BS-40
Married 13yrs
DD July 13,2013
6 month EA 2-ONS


Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Phx
TICKED OFF
♀ 8291
Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A big fucking let down after it is all done and said. HB only lasts so long before the fantasy of it all goes bye bye.

Posts: 2466 | Registered: Sep 2005
SpiderGrl
♀ 40157
Member # 40157
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB in our situation was kind of a pathetic attempt on my part to stake my claim or whatever. I am a tad embarrassed about it but it DID help with our connection until WH's fog lifted. And it made me feel better. Oh and we managed to get pregnant at the worst possible time of our marriage but he's excited and eventually I will come around. ... in short, from what you say, avoid it at ALL costs if she is that shut down.


Me 36- BW
Him 37- WH 6 month EA pushing PA.
DDAY- 7/2/13
Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. -Gandhi
Pls forgive weird sentences and spelling mistakes, I post from my phone and autocorrect hates me.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: US
Dreamland
♀ 40488
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I would say in general it's good as i too wanted to prove I was much more than the OW could ever be.. i too was marking my territory plus he had rejected me years ago so i was taking advantage of it.
bBt demand she get tested for STDs and you get tested too if you were intimate already. We were many months into HB before my WH finally admitted he had a PA and unprotected..I can tell you that left a bad taste in my mouth.. No pun intended.. Anyway it killed the HB with the mind movies kickin. We are 18 post DDay and I am honestly no longer interested in sex. And I too needed sex to feel like he loved me.. It killed me knowing that he cheated and lied about so many things. I am just doing my duty now because I am afraid of the consequences of no sex.. So the good thing now is that you are trying to preserve your marriage and get it strong enough for the next step which is R. So yes I think it was worth it. Not sure my M is though.


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
AussieMum
♀ 36579
Member # 36579
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my case, the HB lasted about 3 weeks and I feel sick just thinking about it now, as he was continuing his A. Of course I was clueless.

If your WW is showing no remorse or transparency, I would be keeping my distance.

I'm sorry


Me 47
ExH 51
EA Jun-Aug 12 (OW1)FB flirting and then EA/PA with OW2 (Aug-Dec 12). New OW Jan 13, introduced her to the kids immediately.
Married 10 years, together 14yrs
2 kids (DS13 & DD8)
Separated Jan 13. Divorced Jun 14

Posts: 183 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:49 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was all an illusion, a false contentment, a feeling that things were going to be fine. Within a couple of weeks it slowly slipped into an awkward attempt to keep the hope going. I feel really stupid now because he was still in the A.
This was my experience but I'm sure there are more positive stories out there.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 3:51 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5274 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
thenon-goddess
♀ 31229
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me it led to extreme anger. We hasn't really dealt with any of the A issues yet and so I was just left feeling further cheated and dirty almost. In my head, my WH got to go have his A and then come home and have a wife who was always willing/wanting to have sex. It felt unfair and seemed like I had just rewarded him for bad behavior. To this day the A has never really been dealt with (we are seperated), so that might not be your experience, depending on where your wife's head is at.


Status: divorcing - I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Feb 2011
Blobette
♀ 36519
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, it was all good for us. I honestly think it have nothing todo with your potential for R. As others have said, it can be a good thing, a way to reconnect, a way for us BSs to feel good in the midst of this misery. But in your case... Extreme measures are needed. She doesn't just sound unremorseful, she sounds like she's adamant about carrying on and may well be making plans. Read Allatsea in JFO or abanodad for worst case scenarios. (Sorry, AAS and Dad if you read this...)


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
2oldforthis
♀ 19825
Member # 19825
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For my WS I think he took it as a get out of jail card free. He took it as an instant I love you, you are forgiven. With him being PA now he didn't have to do anything. It is by far the one thing that I regret doing. Yes, It is fun, but it did not help in healing the marriage.

I think now that what would have woke him up was an out of the house experience, then he would have thought more about what he had done.

If I only knew then what I know now. I hadn't found SI at that time and all I could think of is what the hell am I doing.


He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.


Posts: 1651 | Registered: Jun 2008
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since this kicked off, she has changed her passwords to everything, separated my phone from our phone services, put a cypher lock on her cell, defriended and blocked me on FB, refused to attend MC, and refused to speak to me directly about what happened.

Sorry, Kingsj. She's protecting her phone & commuication methods. Her actions don't "add up" to your theory of a One Night Stand.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
StillGoing
♂ 28571
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I appreciate the comments b/c what I am seeing that is HB that is a mutual attempt at connection seems to be fairly healthy, but in my case, I believe it would be manipulative and "rug-sweeping" by my WW.

Yep. That isn't HB. HB is two people fucking a whole lot to reconnect intimately. Sounds like your wife is fucking you a whole lot to keep you dazed and reeling.

In fact, if she is locking everything down and blaming you for everything I would wonder if she isn't setting you up somehow, especially if she is calling you abusive. It's understandable why it is difficult to resist a woman that you're married to and love, don't feel pathetic. You're supposed to be able to trust and want her. What she did was wrong and it's hard to fathom, and sex with her has been the normal and okay thing.

If you really want to put a stop to sex with her and she won't respect your boundaries - which she obviously does not - think about what she has done with the OM. Make her leave. File for divorce. Look into marital laws regarding fault divorce and sex and see if she is trying to manipulate you there. Talk to a lawyer ASAP.

Here is a link to the Tactical Primer by another poster - it has a lot of good info for folks new to this mess. Good luck, hang in there.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7633 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 33
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